not sure how long i can go on

[Tinkerbell]

I left a while ago, kids to look after kids and a full time job, no support from family or friends, feel increasingly isolated day to day and struggle now to get the words out/ I speak no one hears me, so I stopped speaking. theres really no point. I go to work do the job speak little or paste on a smile, no one understands, been to gp no support, counselling, no support, no support from anywhere, really struggling to get through the days, tried making new friends cant get past the past so there is no point, no point other than the kids but struggling to even be motivated for them. no help from anywhere and only help for them is me, how am I supposed to get through this? so tired

[White Rose]

Hi tinkerbell
Ring the helpline and ask about arranging some local support. Are your children pre school age if so health visitor should be able to offer you some support. If they are struggling and in school then ask for input from school nurse. I’d go back to GP and tell them how bad you’re feeling.
You don’t need to deal with this on your own. Keep posting x

[Tinkerbell]

hi white rose, thankyou for your reply. Thing is I have found I am the only one that can support them, I am the one responsible for them. I tried to get help I was told by people I was fine, don’t worry, its stress, options are give up work no money for the children for the things that they want or carry on alone. no other options, was told that I should just carry on that its all fine. well I don’t think it is all fine and I am tired of people saying that it is, but again run out of options, accept that its fine, or crumble, that’s all, trying not to crumble but its impossisble not to sometimes, feels like no one around me has any understanding of the situation, people comment on how good the ex is with the kids, true now, cannot deny that, but they only see the small picture and not the bigger one. sorry feeling a lot lost right now.

[Lisa]

Hi Tinkerbell,

I’m sorry to read how you are feeling at the moment and that you have found it difficult to access any support. I know it can be very frustrating and disheartening when you feel there is no support, but perhaps there may be some more options that you haven’t tried yet.

Have you spoken to your local domestic abuse service? You could ask them if they can offer support for you such as counselling or group programmes, and also ask if they have any support for children.

I’d also encourage you to have a look at the Family Lives website, they have a helpline and a section of the website where you can look up what support is available in your area.

You could also see what is happening through your local Children’s Centre.

Kind Regards,

Lisa

[Tinkerbell]

thanks lisa,
I have contacted RASA, they are going to offer me counselling for past trauma, was shaking on the phone talking to the lady on there, but maybe they can finally help me lay some of my past ghosts to rest, I have an appointment in a few days, I have tried all of the above in the past, but think I need a more specialised serice now who can help me deal with this aspect of my past.
I have asked school to offer counselling for the child who needs it so I am going to see how that goes.

I am just hoping that I have the strength to go to the counselling session because I’m not sure that I have
in terms of the domestic abuse I’m out of that relationship now, but still have to deal with contact crossovers etc.

thanks for your support

[Lisa]

Hi Tinkerbell,

Thanks for your reply. It’s completely understandable to feel some anxiety about going for counselling, but as Older Lady has said, a specialist service is the right way to go; they will be trained to guide you through the process and to go at your pace. Although counselling can be challenging, it can also be incredibly helpful for recovery. If possible, try to set aside some time after your appointment so that you can rest and look after yourself.

Keep posting,

Lisa

[older lady]

Hello. However you can find the way, try to get through the door to the specialist service. I have found that the benefit of a specialist service is that there is so much you don’t have to say because they already understand. When I spoke with a Women’s Aid outreach worker and also with a specialist service of the kind you refer to, there was so much I didn’t have to explain, which was such a relief. With general services, such as a general counselling service, i found that i was having to explain such a lot, almost trying to justify myself, and because I didn’t know what I was experiencing was something called ‘domestic abuse’ and with the other issue, its so hard to articulate what happened. Sometimes, talking to a general service, I have felt that either i was afraid of the ‘shock’ factor in what i was saying upon the person listening, but also that there was some need to educate on that issue. It’s such a relief to have at least one person in your life who understands, the potential for progress is better. Things aren’t fine and crumbling isn’t an option, I know I wanted to many times over. Sometimes all i have been able to do is get through one day at a time. I would tell myself I will just do the following things; cook meals, smile around child, go to bed. It was all i could cope with. Things get better over time, the sun shines, good days come along, and you will find a point at which you feel it is possible to move forward to a better place. Contact with an abusive ex is extremely difficult because its an opportunity for the abusive person to intimidate and continue your exposure to abuse in your life. At the moment, my child’s father has gone silent. Some people would think that’s a good thing, oh, he’s ‘leaving you alone’, but i know just what is behind the silence. It means he is angry again, and is planning to grind his axe. but, what i can say to you is that if you can, as you are planning, work towards strengthening the other areas of your life, and minimising to the extent that the law currently allows, his contact with you, you can start to objectify his behaviour and minimise its power to impact your life on an emotional level. I say this, but my guts are in a knot at the moment. nevertheless, i can manage it. I’m afraid i used to self harm, but i don’t anymore, and haven’t for a few years now, which means a lot to me. xx

[Tinkerbell]

thanks older lady,
I am feeling increasingly apprehensive about counselling already, and I have told my boss its counselling and I may need some time off but I have not told him what it is for. I am concerned that I wont get the time off as my job is, he suggested that I do it in my own time and this is the issue. I understand what you mean about plotting and I get that completely. I am pleased that you found the specialist service helpful, as I said I have tried general counselling and I it didn’t get to the real issues because I felt too ashamed to discuss exactly what the real issues were in any detail at all,
heres hoping things can change for me and I hope that you keep fighting. I have never self harmed but I have drank a bit to much on occasion to try and block it out and I have also acted in other ways that I am not proud of, and although not an excuse I do think the reason for this is because of what has happened to me, I’m trying to get better, and hope I can be strong

[older lady]

Thank you for your supportive words. I will keep fighting. I know things will improve measurably once my daughter is older, and he cannot manipulate his right to have contact in order to be in my life. I think Lisa made an important point about taking care of yourself when you are having the counselling. I don’t know what kind of employer you have, but maybe you can find a way to take the time out and work it back over the week? If your employer can see that they won’t be losing anything by your taking that time out? Trying to get better is being strong, and I sincerely wish you well. xx

[Peaceful Pig]

Hi Tinkerbell, I would second all that older lady says. I also have wonderful experience of specialist SA service local to me. I can’t thank them enough. The improvement in my trauma symptoms is phenomenal. I also had not so good experiences of counselling and can see why that makes you nervous, but specialist counsellors are trained to ensure you feel safe. I really hope you are able to give this a try even if it does have to be in your own time. We have all done things we’re not proud of to cope with being abused but we can honour those coping strategies as they kept us going and helped us survive xx

[older lady]

Yes, it’s about trying to stay afloat. xx

[PrincessCrown]

Would anyone be able to advise me on what happens if I go to the police for emotional abuse? I’m worried they don’t take it as seriously as physical abuse and i don’t want to waste their time or make myself look stupid

[danicali]

sadly it’s a bit like just existing day to day, with little joy, when you are dealing with an abusive ex partner, when they set out to make your daily life as difficult as possible. like you’re in a fog. exist for your kids. eat. sleep. work. get another sh***y message from them. cry. repeat cycle…. i know. been there. still there some days.

family courts have a duty to recognise all of this, yet they don’t. go figure. they expect the woman to “get on” with her abuser. cases involving abuse or DV aren’t referred to as abuse, they are referred to as “high conflict” which implicates BOTH parties equally rather than the abusive party alone. too often courts view abuses cases as just two people not getting on, both being difficult. far off the mark there but that’s the reality. and this whole mindset works for the abuser.

all i can tell you is that as time goes by, it does get a bit easier, they lose more control as your children get older. so you have to find a way to keep going. think of getting out of bed as a huge victory, or going to work, putting on your make up, or keeping your job – some women dont manage that. If you have kept your job through this you are stronger than you think. seriously.

find either counselling, or just some sort of support group or friendship group – anything really to get you out with people who DONT KNOW your ex. try to get out on your own as well. find distractions. little things make a difference. x

[Author]

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