Not sure how to feel

[Backtobed]

I’ve been in a cycle of emotional abuse for years. I’ve been called every name under the sun, belittled, told that no-one likes me as I cannot follow basic conversations, being asked to repeat sentences in the correct tone, shouted at, been made to feel worthless, no affection for many many years, he has financial control over everything (even how much data I have on my phone). He can be vile and I am always the one to blame for it all.

Then when he can see I’m at rock bottom he flips 180, telling me that he is worried about me, take time for myself etc. He is in a calm phase right now, I think expecting me to reset somehow. When he is like this I’m confused, I don’t love him anymore but I really have nowhere to go. I have 2 children, one is autistic (suspect partner is too) who struggles with change.

I told him (detail removed by Moderator) after another load of abuse that I’ve stopped trying to ever fix this as what is the point. He went mental blaming me for it all. If I wasn’t the way I was he wouldn’t get angry. I don’t even know half the time what I’ve done but over the years I apologised as it was easier and less scary to do that, it’s not right but I was terrified.

I believed for years I was a bad person, I was really beaten down.

I’ve only recently started opening up to my best friend (took ages to feel comfortable opening up) who has been a rock but things are complicated, it’s with their help and womens aid I can see this is abuse.

I’ve been put on anti-depressants now. I wasn’t brave enough to tell the GP what is going on.

I just don’t know what to do or where to start. I can’t work right now as I need to support my child with complex needs but I’m going to have to do something. I wish I were braver right now.

So, for now I am being civil, trying to make the best of it knowing the anger will return again. It’s no life.

[Lisa]

Dear Backtobed,

Thank you for your post and welcome to the forum, I hope you find it a helpful place to be. I’m really sorry to read what you’re going through, and have been for some time. Living with domestic abuse has huge negative effects on our mental and physical health. You are stronger than you think to be coping with it.

You’ve already made some big steps by reaching out to a friend and posting here. There are no set rules on what to do, take it at your pace. If you are considering leaving make sure you keep it to yourself and don’t tell your partner, as it could make his abuse worse. Gather information and support to help you decide how to proceed.

A good place to start would be to chat to a Women’s Aid worker in confidence via our Live Chat service (open 10am-6pm every day). They won’t tell you what to do, but can discuss your situation, tell you your options and signpost you to other support that’s relevant for you.

Also, you can find your local domestic abuse service and get in touch to ask what support they could offer.

Keep Posting,

Lisa

[Author]

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