Not sure I can go on like this

[Camelia Daisy]

I’m new to this so please bare with me!

I’m really struggling at the moment with how to deal with effects of many years of controlling behavior towards me. I am divorced and have been for a while but due to out children together he hasn’t let up.

It’s got to a point where (detail removed by moderator) he is asking for shared care, he already has half the holidays, weekdays and alternate weekends, so there’s no real reason other than putting me back in my place.

For many years he has kept tabs on me, even since our split. He has made accusations about to professionals, teachers, friends and pretty much anyone who will listen. They are completely untrue and really derogatory, which has led me to feel very isolated. I used to love getting involved in community events, my children’s school and socializing. Now I stand on my own in the school playground away from everyone not speaking. I don’t get involved in school projects because I’m scared he will accuse me of trying to get people on my side and cause trouble for me or the children. I’m also to embarrassed as I know he has said terrible things to people and I feel too self conscious.

He nit picks about everything I do, like he just can’t wait for me to mess up, forget a school event, be late. It feels like I’m being monitored and I’m terrified of getting anything wrong. It’s absolutely exhausting. He makes remarks about me to the children, twists their words and uses them as a way to get to me. He threatens me with court every time I disagree with him or just completely ignores my opinion as though it is completely irrelevant.

I have made all the practical steps; reducing contact to email only, not allowing him to drop off or collect at my property, (detail removed by moderator) detailing the ongoing abuse. But he still finds a way. For instance; he calls school to check up on me, he makes up lies about what I’m like and what I’ve done. It’s got so bad that I’m having panic attacks, I’m having to take anti depressants and I struggle daily to be in any company apart from my partner and children. Sometimes even them, I feel like I’ve failed them all and like I don’t do any good.

(detail removed by moderator)Whilst we were there the CAFCASS officer said that she thought it was very sad neither of us could put the children first and we were at risk of causing emotional harm to them. This broke me as for the last (amount of years removed by moderator) years I have been trying to get someone to listen to me about the effect the behavior is having on them. But because of the lies, they think it’s me too.

I need his behavior to stop but I don’t want to harm my beautiful children anymore than they already have been. I want to report him to the police but I’m frightened this will just look like I’m not putting the children first and I’m only interested in making him look bad. The other part of me says just ignore him, let him have his tantrums in the corner and focus on my life.

Has anyone had anything similar in the past? How can I get this to stop or at least cope with the effects of it better?

Thank you and apologies for the essay!!

[freedomtochoose]

Yes, I have had similar. Cafcass believed everything he said as far as I was concerned, and I had the foresight to make a complaint about them after they made a major mistake in safeguarding our security.

My advice is – what you must, must do in my view is exactly the opposite of what your ex wants you to do , which is hide away in a cupboard and not show your real self, so that he can carry on making you feel small.

So, lovely, this means going to all school events you can. Forcing yourself to speak to parents (and teachers) – nothing challenging just sharing info and listening to them and asking their opinion etc about small things, like how you are helping your child do the homework and stuff like that.

He has no right to ‘check’ on you at school, and if he does then school will soon get a handle on what he is like. Just keep turning up. I can’t pretend it isni’t hard lovely, it really is, but these are their tactics.

Can you volunteer for a post at the school if you feel able? Parent Governor? It is really not as hard as you think. Something else which means they see you as you really are?
ftcx

[Camelia Daisy]

Thank you for that. I just dont understand these people and the amount of effort they put in to making someone else’s life a misery. I don’t deserve to be treat like this but it feels like the only thing I can do is try to ignore his attempts to manipulate a situation.

I’m nowhere near well enough to try volunteering . Not only am I busy with study, work and the kids, I just don’t feel like I can put my all in to it right now and risk burning myself out all together.

The school have said previously that they have his type down but I get the feeling sometimes that he’s said something because the teachers etc. avoid eye contact. Then later on someone tells me what he’s said. I want school to be where my kids can be free from all the stress and just be them. You know?

Would you say it’s a waste of time trying to get the police involved and prove what he’s like then? I don’t have a lot of faith in the justice system anymore I’m afraid.

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