Not sure I qualify for help

[Tooch]

Hi I am very new to this and not even sure I should be here.
This could be a long post and hope it’s the right place to start and not too much information.

I have been with my husband for [detail removed by moderator] years and I’ve always felt like I can’t do anything without his permission, make my own decisions or just be myself, I was [detail removed by moderator] when I met him and he was [detail removed by moderator] with 2 young children and just leaving a {detail removed by moderator] yr relationship, I have always been second best to his ex partner and whatever she wanted then she got ie money, when we had the children, but all this time I was the one staying in every weekend looking after them taking them to school discos and so on whilst my husband went out with his friends or just going out in general. We’ve had lots of problems over the years where I’ve basically felt like my life was out of control everything was my fault, but we got married [detail removed by moderator] years ago and I now have an [detail removed by moderator] yr old son.
I was very lonely and fell in the old trap (as my husband calls it) of a man telling me what I wanted to hear saying nice things, nothing came of it and he became a friend although it could of become more. Well my husband found out and ever since then has been what I would call making me pay for it for the last [detail removed by moderator] years saying some very vicious things to me and accusing me of all sorts, I know it was wrong but after [detail removed by moderator] years of making me suffer I’ve ended up being diagnosed with depression and started taking tablets but after a while he said that they made me a different person, I basically told my husband that I wasn’t interested in sex anymore or any physical contact with him and that i wasnt in love with him anymoreso he badgered me into stopping the tablets to see if it stopped me feeling this way, i am now very emotional and he says that im depressed and ill. I asked him to leave our home for a short while so that I could get my head together but he refuses and says he won’t as I’m ill and he says deep down I do love him, he constantly texts me everyday sometime insults other times making me feel like I’m losing it, checks up where I am and says bad things about my friends, which has always happened over the years and I’ve lost so many of them due to pressure not to be with them.

There are many other things that happen where i feel he manipulates what I’m saying and then turns it around about him and that he is going to kill himself then other days will ask me to do sexual things for him as he feels like he is losing out and it’s not fair on him, the other morning I was lay in bed and he lifted my underwear to look underneath but did it twice I’ve asked him.and he just laughed it off saying he must of done it in his sleep because he is deprived.

I could go on…..

Please if this is not abuse then I would be grateful for kind responses due to what I’ve done being the whole blame for this and that it’s my own fault, I apologise if this is the wrong place and if you believe this is just normal problems following what my husband calls an affair.

Anxious and nervous thank you for reading

[Anonymous]

Hi tooch

You certainly are in an abusive relationship.. hes controling you.. my ex told me to stop my medication and said all the right things to me .. you just need to be happy .. i would get in touch with WA. They will help you. Don’t let him send you crazy hun because these abusers drive us to it ..stay strong and get help x

[Tooch]

TThank you for your reply iamfree and for reading my post, it gives me the confidence to sspeak to someone now, I’ve never felt so low and unhappy ever but am starting to see how to change things x

[Relieved]

Hi Tooch, sorry you are going through this. There are many similarities with my ex. He also told me he didn’t like the way I was when I was taking antidepressants and he manipulated arguments so that it was always my fault. He’s trying to make you believe you are ill so that you think he’s looking after you and can’t manage without him. He’s isolating you by alienating friends. These are all controlling tactics. Look up the power and control wheel and also the freedom programme to get some understanding about what is happening to you. Knowledge is strength in your situation. Keep posting, we’re here for you xx

[Tooch]

I am so relieved that I’ve had a reply and am so grateful for your help, I will look up the information you’ve given me as you say knowledge is strength and my god do I need some strength right now, I’m making steps towards me leaving with my son and it means so much to know I have the support of people who have been there and to see how you’ve survived thank you very grateful xx

[KIP.]

Hi Tooch, changing the goal posts all the time is typical abuser behaviour. You would be the most perfect wife the world has ever seen and he would criticise you for being too perfect and showing him up. You just cannot win. Google cycle of abuse. Google gas lighting. Read ‘Living with the Dominator’ by Pat Craven. Ring the helpline number on here. Their dysfunctional behaviour makes us depressed and anxious. It’s not you that’s at fault. If someone told me they wanted no sexual contact with me, the last thing I would do would be to try and coerce them into it. He is a typical abuser, using typical abuser tactics. Mind games. Ring the helpline. They won’t judge and can offer help and contact with other agencies. I was on anti depressants for years because of his abuse. The doctors just kept handing out the pills without helping me to understand that the cause of my depression was him. Once women’s aid explained this to me, it all fell into place and everything made sense x

[KIP.]

Keep reading other posts on here and you will sadly find many similarities. But you will also read many inspiring post of women breaking free x

[Tooch]

Thanks kip, your so right I’ve been made to feel guilty today for doing the housework and asked me if he’d upset me as I didn’t seem very happy just felt like he was trying to start an argument xx

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