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I live in the family home with my parents and younger siblings. The last couple of weeks have been difficult for everyone in the house. a situation arose where the police brought one of my siblings home after phoning them in distress and had left the house. I thought I was helping I offered to (detail removed by moderator) as she was more concerned about getting dressed then seeing the situation for what it was it felt like. while I was there I had to speak to teachers which I did not expect. since my parents keep throwing it back at me, I am the eldest sibling and thought I was helping but I have been left feeling guilty since. Its keeps being thrown at me how I spoke to the teachers as if I was his mum, but that isn’t what I was doing I explained to them what had happened that morning and was asked (detail removed by moderator). My parent not happy about it. I have spoke to them about this but everything things I should apologise and I keep being told I should have passed it over to my mum but they wanted to speak to an adult there and then to put a plan in place for that day.
I am constantly being made to feel guilty. But when one of them won’t go into school, I am expected to step up and look after them or contact the school, which happens a lot. which really has a big impact on me working from home when this arises, while they both go out to work and don’t want to be contacted at work due to them loosing pay when something like this arises if they need to come home.
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Hello Happyexplorer,
Thank you for sharing this with us.
I can really hear that you are being made to feel as if you can’t do anything right. This is often the case with emotional abuse and can leave us feeling confused and conflicted about what we are experiencing.
It sounds like there is a lot of pressure on you from all angles. I hope you are feeling a little better this evening.
Lisa
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Hi Happyexplorer,
They have put you slap bang in the middle of this dynamic, and you acted in their best interests and out of good intent, I don’t think you are the one that should be feeling guilty, no matter how much others try to shift their guilt onto you.
You are parenting your siblings, but without the parental authority, because they have left you to it. Its a horrible situation to be put in.
I hope it will all turn out ok for you and your siblings.
warmest wishes
ts
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Hey
Thank you both to responding to me. I am often left feeling I am not doin thins right.I love my parents but I often feel really uilty. I am often left to step up and be a parent in a lot of situations that have arisen over the years from being a young ae and I am only just really realising and understanding the situations I have faced over the years. I have never been sat down by them and asked if I can help, I often feel as if I am backed into itand I don’t have a choice. wHEN I work from home there’s no understanding of me working from home and it expected that when kids aren’t in school ill look after them, again no conversation and I am not asked. I really hope I can et out of this situation soon, I often feel stuck and feel as if it is impacting both me and my child. financially it has impacted on me as I have reduced my hours and changed my work (removed by moderator) so I choose and pick shifts to work around thins as they arise, I know this is my choice but I often feel stuck and often wonder how I will eventually et myself out of it. it really impacted my mental health last year and I still feel as thins are takin a toll on me a bit. It often seems as if its ok for me too lose a shift I often feel they don’t care about how I feel or I don’t think they realise they put me in difficult situations where I have to sacrifice my job at times.-
What would they do, do you think, if you said, ‘no’, firmly and got on with something else?
Do you fear their reaction, or have you tried this and received abuse for it?
How about not being there? You have a child to look after of your own, and they are totally trampling over your boundaries here. Is there anywhere else you could work, so you don’t drop shifts at their behest?
Maybe, you could use a local library to have access to a quiet space to work in, and being able to connect to the internet? Make it clear you won’t be around, and they need to step up as parents.
Its a different matter if they speak to you and you all make decisions together, as they might lose jobs etc, but therefore should make provision, and, like you say, at least ask you!
warmest wishes
ts
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If I say no, they make feel very guilty. Their reaction is often not pleasant and is very critical in their response towards me. there have been many. occasions over the years I have experienced this in so many situations, even poor over the past couple years. often I would not voice an opinion an would stay quiet but slowly. I find a voice and try to implement boundaries but I am not doin this well. there have been times when I informed them I want to move out and manipulation was used which I didn’t realise at the time in talkin me to stay at home, e.. when I want o into a house share, when I asked for help to find a property, they didn’t want to help me find one, over time it left me feeling stuck. I am only just starting to have a bit more insight from therapy session I have been having and understanding thins that I though was normal which I don’t think are and I always didn’t o with my ut.
Durin covid we had to work from home no one was allowed at the office.so I left that position. I now do Shiftwork which helps a bit. However, there still the day time when sleep, I still often have to step in a parent if a sibling is unwell/refuse school. I feel like it expected because im here. when I talk often, they don’t listen or they interrupt when im talking often they dismiss what I say. when I see friends with their parents their parents dont do that to them.
Likeyou said if they spoke to me about thins it would be different but they don’t. when they look after my kid I won’t book a shift until I have sat and spoken them and I know for sure they are able to help out. I wish it happened the other way too.it only by talking about it I am seeing thins differently and understanding it bit more.
warmest wishes
he
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All I can say is you have nothing to be guilty for, but I guess they can withhold the times they mind your child. Sleep though, when you are on shift, is sacred, it will mess with your mental health if you get sleep deprived. Its a proven risk to mental well-being doing shift work, but if you then don’t get to have your sleep to catch up, thats very risky.
They don’t have to help you look for somewhere else, you’ll need to do that alone, or maybe with others that would want to group together to do a house-share situation, but leave them out of it as you clearly cannot rely on them to help out with anything. You need to be out of there don’t you, you cannot sleep and you are pushed into helping them all the time. At least if you were away you could ‘trade’ hours of minding between you and build up credits. This is something you would need to initiate if you think it could work. if not then you’d need to find another source of trading, like with another mum that needs the occasional help out.
I hope you can find somewhere away from them so you can be free of this situation.
warmest wishes
ts
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That what im worried about ts. I am worried about my mental health oin forward but I don’t have the energy to apply for other jobs atm.
yea exactly, I am trying to move but the waiting lists lon and privately I can’t afford it on my own. My partner isn’t always around and financially I can’t rely on him either as he often walks out of jobs as soon as he doesn’t like them. I don’t talk to people about my situation due to feeling embarrassed by it all, even my closest friends don’t know the full extent of what has one on. maybe I should confide in them a bit a more.
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This isn’t something you need be embarrassed about. They should be the ones to be embarrassed, and your partner, who’s not doing his part. He has a child now and more to consider than just walking out and leaving you all financially at risk.
One thing at a time, if you can make your sleep time the absolute priority in all this you will cope better, feel stronger, and feel more able to achieve more. I hope that you can find the right home and job, and would your partner not go into a place with you, or would you not want him? Actually, with his unreliable income, it would be a struggle to convince anyone to take him on.
Do keep talking, and yes, let others know you are struggling, its nothing to be ashamed of.
warmest wishes
ts
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