Not sure if I’m being unreasonable?

[Raspberry123]

I feel like I’m slowly deteriorating and I don’t have the strength to help myself. Constantly trying to please my boyfriend but whenever I get something right he wants more and more. I’m constantly being accused of staring at guys or wanting to look at guys when that’s not the case at all. Whenever we go out (I can’t go out by myself) my heads always down and eyes on the ground, yet I still get accusations of did you see them and then that they apparently saw my eyes look at them.

It’s just constant s**t and I’m getting so tired of it but I don’t have much strength for it. I can’t even go for a walk without being asked if I’m starting at a guy, or go to netball without him thinking I fancy other people’s boyfriends. Which I don’t at all, my boyfriend is my one and only but he doesn’t seem to see that.

I doubt myself a lot and feel as though maybe if I just did things right or did something different would he love me? I know I’m being controlled but he puts it down to his insecurities and says that it’s my fault he has low self esteem.

He controls what I see (I show him if anything I see has a guy in it, like a tv show, social media etc). What I do, where I go, what I wear. I feel horrible for saying that he does these things but I’m not blind to it but I just try to follow what he wants to please him. I can’t say guys names, or listen to songs by male singers. Not that I care about any other guy other than my partner but I just feel that he expects so much and I don’t know why? I don’t know if these things are reasonable though and im just not a good partner. I don’t even mind the control I’ve even told him that, I just don’t like the way he reacts when I make a mistakes or let him down.

[Stargazing1]

Your not being Unreasonable @Raspberry123 . He sounds like he is a very insecure person. He’s telling you you are doing things when you are not . You deserve so much better than this . I can understand why you feel as you do he’s grinding you down. You are doing nothing wrong. I am so very sorry to hear you are having to deal with these situations this truly is not fair on you . He doesn’t deserve you . My words might not help very much at all . All I know is you deserve so much better than this . I wish for better days ahead for you . You deserve kindness not the treatment you are receiving. Sending hugs .

[Grapevine456]

I’m just looking for advice. Just been subjected to the following statements in the last wee while. For the sake of the children I did not bite but then it got too much and I asked my husband to leave. I can do no right. He has refused to leave though and I dont know what to do next..
Here are the statements:

-Great (detail removed by moderator)
-Is this (detail removed by moderator) all day
-(detail removed by moderator) something around the house
-If I didn’t do (detail removed by moderator) the kids would (detail removed by moderator)
-Why dont you get (detail removed by moderator)
-You (detail removed by moderator) I didn’t need to do dinner.
-At least I’m doing some of the housework and not (detail removed by moderator).
-I have had a hard day I’ve (detail removed by moderator) I deserve a rest
-Nobody else does anything around the house

I have to say that I did have a short nap today as I’m exhausted but have done cooking,cleaning and ironing without complaint. I just didn’t hang up the clothes quickly enough and I got my partners wrath. Is this abuse or am I being very sensitive?

[Stargazing1]

@Grapevine456 , it sounds like abuse too me . Your not being sensitive at all . This person is putting you down and making you feel small . I would definitely say it’s verbal abuse. He’s belittling you making you out to not be good enough. They are very good at doing that . I’m sorry to hear you are in this situation and he has refused to leave . Your doing nothing wrong in my eyes . Mum’s are always busy . He sounds very ungrateful of all you are doing. There’s nothing wrong with having a nap either . They are happy to make us feel small but don’t recognise there faults . Keep chatting here everyone will sympathise. Just take care of yourself please.

[Grapevine456]

Thanks Star gazing its feeling a little hard to keep going at the moment. After me asking my partner to leave he has told my children that we are not splitting and we are just going through a rough patch. I just feel so stuck and so incredibly miserable.

[Bananaboat]

Ah yes this trick. So abusers won’t leave easily & fairly (unless they have a new supply of some kind) and they’ll enjoy the pain it causes you when they refuse to go. Just like you’re experiencing my ex would ignore me one day then pretend we were still together the next, he’d tell the kids we were just arguing even though I’d told them it was over, but then he’d tell others we were separating – basically he wanted to control the narrative.

I want to reassure you you’re not stuck, I know it feels like you are. During my journey someone posted on here a reminder that in ‘normal’ relationships either party can choose to leave, even if the other person doesn’t want that they may be upset but will accept it. In our relationships were made to feel we don’t have that choice but you DO. Baby steps such as taking copies of documents, looking up new homes or seeking advice are all steps forward. He won’t like any of it because he doesn’t want to lose his control over you but you’ve got this. What do you want next Christmas to look like? Work towards it. xx

[Stargazing1]

@Grapevine , it is hard to put on a brave face it can zap us of our energy. I feel for you I really do and so will alot of others here too . They are so good at manipulating people into thinking that the sun shines out of them . My other half does the same . Apparently its called being good at playing the game. My other half is step dad too mine and for some reason alot of the time they think the sun shines out of him . 🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮 . The feeling of being stuck and miserable is the same feeling for alot of us here . I don’t know if your interested but you can contact your local womens aid like I have which I’m waiting for an appointment with and talk things through with them . That’s what I’m going to do . Keep posting here and in time you will feel a little less alone . Just Take care of yourself and be kind to yourself too 💜. There’s lots of us here who will back you 100 per cent because they know what it’s like . Stick around if you can .

[Grapevine456]

Thanks @stargazing1 yes good advice to chat to local womens aid. Finding it difficult to vocalise but probably that’s what I need to do. Glad you have support lined up and hope you find it helpful.
I totally relate to kids impression. They are very much taken in by fun Daddy and don’t hear/understand the undertones.

[swanlake]

Thinking of everyone. It doesn’t matter what we do, abusers will always tell us that we are being unreasonable, can’t do anything right, oversensitive etc. Unless they are playing the nicey nicey game and pretending to say kind things.
It’s hard to describe what goes on but being kind to yourself and talking to Women’s Aid is all good.

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