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I don’t know what I’m even writing really but it’s something that bugs me and has done for most of our relationship..
Whenever partner has done something bad like smashing the house up or hitting me for example, the next day I will just keep away from him, don’t want to speak to him. I’ll say I’ve had enough now and can’t carry on any longer because I really can’t but he’ll come and wrap his arms around me even though I tell him no. And then he’ll hold me down and tickle me until I’m laughing hysterically. He makes me say things like I love you to get him to stop tickling. He’ll kiss my face and make me kiss him back. He’s laughing and joking at me for being in a mood and because I’m laughing back from the tickling he thinks we’re friends now and then I feel like we are so it’s so confusing.I know it sounds daft and is not abusive maybe I’m being dramatic but I hate it.
I was wondering if anyone else had experienced this?Xx
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That is abuse. It’s without consent and it’s something you don’t want him to do. He’s manipulating you into a position where he can pretend the previous abuse didn’t happen, and confuse you into thinking you forgave him.
He’s also minimising the previous abuse, by making you think it can’t have been so bad if you were laughing and kissing him. However, he forced you to do those things against your will. He is showing he has no respect for your boundaries.
They keep us in a state of fog. Confusion is part of that. It’s so hard to think straight when they do these things, and it prevents you from really seeing what he’s doing.
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The whole thing is nasty and abusive and manipulative.
You are not going crazy or being a drama queen (that’s another favourite they use). Have you started to think about leaving?
If you have, don’t mention it to him as he sounds like he could be really unpredictable.If you haven’t already, talk to someone at women’s aid, the support and advice they give you is amazing.
Take care my lovely – you’ve got lots of friends on here x
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Hi there. Your second sentence “Whenever partner has done something bad like smashing the house up or hitting me for example, “ sounds like this happens quite regularly? What he is doing is horrible. It’s abuse. He is deliberately confusing you by making you laugh then minimising. You are most certainly not being dramatic. Please get some help and advice to make a plan and get away. This man sounds toxic and you deserve better xx
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Hello BumbleBee1000
It took me by surprise to read your comment. My ex would do something very similar. After pushing all my buttons and making me crazy, he would suddenly flip into this loving, joking and seemingly supportive partner. He would point out how I was so oversensitive, too serious, couldn’t take a joke etc. He would then tell me how he tolerated my behaviour because of how much he loved me. I had a sense of this manipulation before, but reading your post just brought me clarity, so thank you for sharing.
I think you already know that what he is doing is wrong, he is manipulating you and making you question your reality. He is abusing you. This type of abuse is very hard to deal with, and it makes you doubt your sanity, makes you think your crazy. I read a book called ‘The Gift of Fear’ by Gavin de Becker and it is all about trusting your instincts to keep you safe. I found this book to be incredibly validating and it really helped me to value and trust my instincts. My ex kept telling me not to read it because it would make me afraid. It had the opposite effect, It helped me to begin trusting myself again.
Other helpful resources includes Oprah Winfrey’s podcast called ‘Supersoul Conversations’ they are free and can be found in the iTunes App or on YouTube.
Episodes I found especially helpful are:
1) The best lifesaving lessons
2) The best relationship advice
3) You Matter with Iyanla Vanzant
4) Your own truthBrene Brown, Glennon Doyle Melton and Dr Michael Barnard Beckwith are other great names to look up.
There is a world of insight, support and validation available to all of us. We do not have to tolerate abuse, we can go free. Trust yourself. You know you deserve better. Wishing you well x -
Tickling is such a weird thing. Pinning you down and tickling you against your will is nearly as bad as hitting you, in my opinion. The breathless laughter is a primitive response that you have no control over; it certainly doesn’t mean you’re happy or having a good time or enjoying the experience, does it?
What do you imagine his response might be if you did it to him unexpectedly? That is always the question: what if it were the other way round?
He may well be telling himself that this defensive laughter and the forced fake avowals of love mean that you’re OK with his clearly abusive behaviour when clearly you’re not.
If you pick a calm moment to tell him you don’t enjoy being mercilessly tickled even if you respond with laughter and you don’t want him ever to do it again, would he respect that?
If not, it’s assault, darling. None of this is OK. None of this is normal or respectful or loving, is it? It’s just one more way of violating your boundaries while pretending he believes you’re fine with it.
And look, he gets to tell himself you’re a miserable so-and-so who says she doesn’t enjoy an innocent tickle and a list too, because you’re laughing all the way through.Clever tactic. Nasty tactic.
Flower x
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