Not sure if its abuse

[Tulips]

Hi, I have been with my partner, turned fiance for (detail removed by moderator) we have got a mortgage and had a little boy. In the last year or 2, he loses his temper at such minor things, we have been to the doctors together as he said he thinks hes (detail removed by moderator). He has smashed lights, ornaments, plates, put holes in doors and thrown things across the room. When his temper rages, I just try to get away, but that makes him even more riled and he will follow me, shouting the house down, at night when he starts to kick off, I go upstairs to bed or to my sons room and he turns the TV up full blast, when asking him to turn it down, hes going to wake our son or the neighbours he starts shouting and swearing, I’m so aware of our son waking scared and our neighbours. He has got himself obsessed with any ex boyfriends I have had and goes on (detail removed by moderator) I know alot of this may sound trivial but the fact it’s got worse and worse and infront of son makes me feel sick. I’ve had to lie to my family why somethings got broke. As I said I’m not sure if youd call this abuse as such, but I dont know where to turn. I’ve got my parents involved before (detail removed by moderator), he was then fuming at me for getting them involved, drunk drove saying he was going to kill himself. I am finding it so hard to try and support him as there isnt ever a consequence for him acting like this. Thankyou for reading x

[Risingup]

Hi, I wanted to offer you my support. Everything you’ve described is abuse. I have been in an abusive relationship for many years. I have experienced a lot of what you’ve described and I know how scary it is, to be around someone when they are aggressive. Well done for reaching out and posting on here. Sending love xx

[Eggshells]

Hi Tulips

This doesn’t sound trivial at all. The type of abuse that you are describing can become very dangerous for you and your son very quickly. I’m amazed that your GP hasn’t referred you on for safeguarding.

Womens Aid always state that mental health problems are no excuse for abusive behaviour. There are two justifications for this statement. If a mental health problem was responsible for his behaviour, everyone would experience the same behaviour from him. His workplace would see holes in their doors, broken glass and media on high volume. Also, people experience all sorts of mental health problems. Most of the women on the forum have experienced depression and PTSD and they don’t behave like your partner does. The same applies to BPD.

There are no excuses for his behaviour. It is deliberate and calculated and designed to terrify you into being controlled by him.

If you are able, please do read “Living with the Dominator” by Pat Craven. It will give you a much clearer understanding of the abuse you are suffering.

[Tulips]

Thankyou RisingUp and Eggshells for your replies. RisingUp did you leave abusive relationship or can someone change with therapy ect? Sorry if you don’t mind me asking.
I really appreciate you replies, this has thrown me completely, thinking that he actually deliberately does this, does anyone know if someone means to be, plans to be or even realises their abusive? I dont know where to go from here or what to do that’s best for my child.
I will try to get that book, thankyou for the recommendations, the reviews seems helpful.
Thankyou again so much for the support and replies xx

[Bananaboat]

Hello I’m sorry you’re living like this. In my case and it sounds like yours too, the abuse escalated after a child. You ask if an abuser realises what they’re doing? Yes they do which is hard to accept but is he losing his temper at work, with strangers in public, or is he polite as pie and only you get to see this behaviour? If it’s just you, then it’s abuse and he’s in full control of when he does it. Can they change? No sadly not, maybe if they truly wanted to and got a serious amount of professional help but it’s very deep rooted and unfortunately they don’t think there’s anything wrong with & that everyone is below them which isn’t a mindset that is open to change. I found Lundy Bancroft’s book ‘why does he do that’ a massive eye opener when I first came here, all of the behaviour you describe is abuse and aimed at controlling you. But it’s not just affecting you, your child will pick up the tension too. What do you do next? Learn about abuse, start keeping a secure journal so you can see the behaviour and any patterns – it also helps when you’re made to question things, this will help to boost your confidence bit by bit. Keep posting and reading others posts – you’re not alone xx

[Eggshells]

Hi again

As Bananaboat says, now you learn about abuse.

Please also try contacting your local Domestic Abuse charity. This link will help you to do that.https://www.womensaid.org.uk/womens-aid-directory/

Also, it’s worth starting to think about what you want to do in the future.

If you have questions please ask. There is a wealth of knowledge and understanding on the forum – far more than I ever found in the professionals who are employed to help DA survivors.

[Eyesopening]

Hey tulips, no this isn’t trivial. Abuse does come in various shapes and forms, this is abusive. I also recommend Why does he do that.
Also just watch Youtube vids, start with Dr Ramani. I read and watched so much before I managed to leave my abuser. It takes a really long time to come to the realization they are abusive. It’s a very complicated subject that the normal everyday person doesn’t really know. There are things like trauma bonding (Stockholm syndrome) and cognitive dissonance and more that we all learn through are journey and are the reasons for the confusion.
To me this sounds very obvious abuse. But I think when we look at it from the outside our judgment isn’t skewed by the abuser.
I think most women of here first started with this question. When we are in it we are so blinded by the abuse that we can’t see it. Thats why this forum is so important.
Keep posting and reaching out for support and educating yourself on abuse.
Don’t underestimate the effects this will all have on your child, i grew up in an abusive home (never directed at us kids) and it caused me to end up in an abusive relationship, it’s basically ruined my life, i grew up so scared of the world and shy, terrible self worth & no confidence. It doesn’t just go away, it takes so much work and re-wiring that I’m still working on
It while my friends are living their lives and mine is just passing me by.
Xx

[Risingup]

Hey Tulip, I’m so glad that you have reached out and had so much support on here. I am still in my abusive relationship, but this week I reached out to Womens Aid and now I’m getting support. I felt sick making that call but it’s amazing to have my feelings validated. I have always been blamed by partner for his abuse. He always accused me of causing his our bursts. I don’t know how I will leave but I know I can’t stay. Take care x

[Hereforhelp]

Good Morning Tulip 🌷

You are wuth an extremely abusive and potentially dangerous abusive man, not trivial at all and you are in the right place on here.

Unfortunately they do not change, they also do not love as their needs and wants are what matter to them. They always blame everyone else (I usually got the blame but my husband would also blame one of our kids and even my dog for his moods or whatever). Most blame something, alcohol, mental health when actually that’s not true, it is all a choice of behaviours, ypur husband does know what he us doing to you.

Read up on DA, Pat Craven The Freedom Programme is a good book to start with as it explains the abuse.

Keep posting on here, I have been on here around a year, maybe more, married for decades, I also didn’t know that my husband was abusive… I now know he is a classic abuser, he didn’t change (he tried to hoover me back by claiming he was better, calmer and was seeing a therapist). All lies designed to reel me back.

Baby steps and be kind to yourself ❤️

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