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    • #131421
      Flamingo21
      Participant

      Hello,
      This feels trivial compared to many peoples issues on here… my husband is financially abusive (spending large amounts of money that should be for our rent or to feed our children) he’s also manipulative and verbally very angry, when confronted usually he becomes meek and quiet so I feel sorry for him and forgive him.

      We rent privately, and have a joint account which has a reasonably large overdraft.

      He says he has nowhere to go when I’ve spoken to him about it previously (many times)

      I just don’t know how to go about it? We never have time without the children, I don’t see how I could ‘discuss’ it with him without them hearing unless by text message and is that just totally out of order? Am I being silly?

      How am I meant to get him to take his stuff?

      How will I cope on my own with the children… he is also the main earner I don’t work.

      I’ve rambled enough now sorry, there’s more to it he can be threatening towards the children, verbally, usually via text to me so me, it’s not just him spending loads of our money and expecting me to borrow it from people to pay the rent or for food. I had to borrow some very recently so he’s currently being overly nice to me, which makes it even harder… thanks

    • #131445

      This isn’t trivial at all. It’s emotionally and financially manipulative which is domestic abuse. Please don’t feel alone. I was with my ex for (detail removed by Moderator) who was also very emotionally and financially controlling which sometimes could be seen as nice to others! It’s a horrible situation and one that not many people can understand as the perception is often that domestic abuse is physical violence. Keep strong and try to get some advise, keep a diary etc xx

    • #131446
      Lisa
      Main Moderator

      Hi Flamingo21,

      Welcome to the forum and thank you for sharing with us. I am sorry to hear about the abuse you and your children are experiencing. I hope you find the forum a safe and supportive place to be with others who understand.

      It must have taken a lot of courage to reach out so well done for taking this step. There is support here for you as well as from other support services. Have you contacted your local domestic abuse support service? They can offer ongoing emotional and practical support to you and your children. You can find details of your local service via this link: https://www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-abuse-directory/

      If you feel like you are in need of some additional support, you could also chat to a Women’s Aid worker in confidence via our Live Chat service (open 10am-6pm every day). They won’t tell you what to do, but can discuss your situation and signpost you to other support that’s relevant for you. You can access the chat service here:
      https://chat.womensaid.org.uk/

      Once again welcome to the forum! Do keep posting to let us know how you’re getting on.

      Best wishes,

      Lisa
      Forum Moderator

    • #131447
      Eyesopening
      Participant

      Hi Flamingo21,
      Yes it isn’t trivial and you are right to be questioning it and seeking support and advice.
      I found when looking into financial abuse online, it was always that the abuser controlled the finances.
      But I was the the main earner, all my money went on the rent, bills, food etc. I had none to enjoy for myself. But when he had money, it went on him going out drinking, buying clothes etc. He also has debt of his own though.
      It’s a big red flag. I recently got out and I still can’t believe that my money will be my own now!
      Keep posting, reading and seeking support xx

    • #131453
      Flamingo21
      Participant

      Thank you all,
      He’s currently being overly nice, it just feels like an act now and I find myself getting more frustrated. I don’t know why I can’t just end it now, it just makes me feel so guilty because he’s being so nice? But I know ultimately he will just do it all again… I feel so awful for the children because they love him, but I also understand that it’s not healthy for them to be living like this.

      Because I caught him early on he spent about 1/3 of what he usually does, but even when caught out he carried on just taking smaller amounts than he had been.

      I’m trying my best to be sensible and choose the right time in the month money wise, which feels so cruel and is why it’s not happened before now… a person from the bank said to close our joint account when he’s been paid so it pays off the overdraft, but that feels cruel too… why do I forget so easily how awful I feel when I have to scrounge enough money to buy food for our children!!

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