- This topic has 6 replies, 6 voices, and was last updated 2 years, 6 months ago by
.
-
Posts
-
-
Hello,
This feels trivial compared to many peoples issues on here… my husband is financially abusive (spending large amounts of money that should be for our rent or to feed our children) he’s also manipulative and verbally very angry, when confronted usually he becomes meek and quiet so I feel sorry for him and forgive him.We rent privately, and have a joint account which has a reasonably large overdraft.
He says he has nowhere to go when I’ve spoken to him about it previously (many times)
I just don’t know how to go about it? We never have time without the children, I don’t see how I could ‘discuss’ it with him without them hearing unless by text message and is that just totally out of order? Am I being silly?
How am I meant to get him to take his stuff?
How will I cope on my own with the children… he is also the main earner I don’t work.
I’ve rambled enough now sorry, there’s more to it he can be threatening towards the children, verbally, usually via text to me so me, it’s not just him spending loads of our money and expecting me to borrow it from people to pay the rent or for food. I had to borrow some very recently so he’s currently being overly nice to me, which makes it even harder… thanks
-
This isn’t trivial at all. It’s emotionally and financially manipulative which is domestic abuse. Please don’t feel alone. I was with my ex for (detail removed by Moderator) who was also very emotionally and financially controlling which sometimes could be seen as nice to others! It’s a horrible situation and one that not many people can understand as the perception is often that domestic abuse is physical violence. Keep strong and try to get some advise, keep a diary etc xx
-
Hi Flamingo21,
Welcome to the forum and thank you for sharing with us. I am sorry to hear about the abuse you and your children are experiencing. I hope you find the forum a safe and supportive place to be with others who understand.
It must have taken a lot of courage to reach out so well done for taking this step. There is support here for you as well as from other support services. Have you contacted your local domestic abuse support service? They can offer ongoing emotional and practical support to you and your children. You can find details of your local service via this link: https://www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-abuse-directory/
If you feel like you are in need of some additional support, you could also chat to a Women’s Aid worker in confidence via our Live Chat service (open 10am-6pm every day). They won’t tell you what to do, but can discuss your situation and signpost you to other support that’s relevant for you. You can access the chat service here:
https://chat.womensaid.org.uk/Once again welcome to the forum! Do keep posting to let us know how you’re getting on.
Best wishes,
Lisa
Forum Moderator -
Hi Flamingo21,
Yes it isn’t trivial and you are right to be questioning it and seeking support and advice.
I found when looking into financial abuse online, it was always that the abuser controlled the finances.
But I was the the main earner, all my money went on the rent, bills, food etc. I had none to enjoy for myself. But when he had money, it went on him going out drinking, buying clothes etc. He also has debt of his own though.
It’s a big red flag. I recently got out and I still can’t believe that my money will be my own now!
Keep posting, reading and seeking support xx-
This is me! I’m main wage earner by some way yet every month I’m skint whilst he’s out drinking, buying drugs and whatever else he likes. He doesn’t see the household bills as his problem because he pays ‘rent’ of a minimal amount. I’ve had to put our child into full time nursery as he let me down having him and thinks I should be grateful for (detail removed by moderator). He recently had a go at me because he’s cut down from spending nearly (detail removed by moderator), I wasn’t allowed to be annoyed that he did spend that much and how dare I expect him to contribute more. They really do a job on us don’t they. Enjoy having your freedom back I hope to be there someday x
-
-
Thank you all,
He’s currently being overly nice, it just feels like an act now and I find myself getting more frustrated. I don’t know why I can’t just end it now, it just makes me feel so guilty because he’s being so nice? But I know ultimately he will just do it all again… I feel so awful for the children because they love him, but I also understand that it’s not healthy for them to be living like this.Because I caught him early on he spent about 1/3 of what he usually does, but even when caught out he carried on just taking smaller amounts than he had been.
I’m trying my best to be sensible and choose the right time in the month money wise, which feels so cruel and is why it’s not happened before now… a person from the bank said to close our joint account when he’s been paid so it pays off the overdraft, but that feels cruel too… why do I forget so easily how awful I feel when I have to scrounge enough money to buy food for our children!!
-
Hi,
I am new here. I am in somewhat similar to extensive situation.
I have been married to him (detail removed by moderator). From the beginning I have thought his outbursts and behaviour as normal and presumed this is how it should be. I always felt trapped with no way out, accepting it as my destiny.I was young and was more concerned about my family and never thought about speaking up or leaving him.
I belong to (detail removed by moderator) where Separation is considered as no option or even if someone goes for it the girls family is always taunted by society regardless of the cause. Thinking all of this has weaken my spirit to do previously but some recent events has pushed myself to a wall.
He has always kept dual personalities. No one would know outside world how he talks or behaves inside the house.
He never uses my name, always uses slangs in different language to call me. I used to be unresponsive when he used to do it at the beginning. Then it used to be yelling and throwing things. It felt demeaning to me as a person.He comes to home really late at night, never shares when he is working or where his going or whatever is going on in his life. He never even have small talks with him. Its me asking him how his day was or anything general. Sometimes he does not even reply. He can come home early but he does not, I work in morning so I do not get enough sleep any day, it is affecting my health now a days. he sleeps (detail removed by moderator) so he is not bothered about it. I forgot when I had slept normal hours, always (detail removed by moderator).
He restricts me to use washroom facilities (detail removed by moderator). As a result over the (detail removed by moderator) period I have now (detail removed by moderator) as I used to hold up for long hours. During pandemic it crossed limit and I faced lowest level as human being, I can not say how mortified I am!
He never helps me around household. I work full time despite I have to go for groceries to cleaning to cooking to everything related to household. I feel always overworked, he sometimes washes his plate if he is in mood! He yells if I can not cook (detail removed by moderator), does not have normal food habits. Even if I cook the things he liked (detail removed by moderator) he would yell, there is no change. Its like no matter what I put on the plate I would only receive criticism, he never appreciated the hard work I put in.
He does not even talk about kids. His family even never mentions anything about children after (detail removed by moderator) together, which is shocking. Only my parents or relatives have always asked about it.
We live in rented house and bills are excluding. He pays (detail removed by moderator) of rent, which I have to ask every month multiple times. He never gives it willingly. Over the years now I feel anxiety whenever ever rent pay period comes thinking what he would say this time or do this time etc. He does not involve financially. I pay rest of (detail removed by moderator) plus all bills in a house. I pay for food, groceries. He never buys anything that could be considered as cooking ingredient.
Whenever I tried to ask him to contribute he screamed, throw things, damaged my mobile or other belongings. house property to intimidate me. I do get scared when he does it and end up being silent.
Despite doing everything he demands me to give him my salary so he can control everything or I give him a portion and keep doing everything I am doing now.
His family and relative always gaslighting him on above why I do not handover my money even though he is keeping me. Putting false scenario (detail removed by moderator). All their gaslighting and his greed has made it harder for me to sustain in such environment. Recently I came to know they had planned with him to leave me behind stranded. I heard them luckily while they were talking in local dialect. This was my last streak. I felt even after tolerating everything he has no attachment to me or our relationship and want to discard me like a garbage!
End then all this years incidents started to hit me one by one. I could not keep it in me. I told my parents everything and they left the decision to me.
I am so confused should I give another chance or just leave and move on.
I can not trust his words so I want him agree to conditions related to his behaviour and unusual outbursts and make it witnessed. But I am afraid to have the talk with him alone as he can become aggressive. I have no friends or family who can be with me during this discussion. I have no where to go after this talk until it is resolved. As I live on rented place, how would I give notice, definitely can not stay in same house for notice period.
Again I think what kind of relation would it be if it has conditions! But there is no way I can live with him in his current state.My head is mess currently!
What to do??????
-
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.
