17th February 2016 at 7:49 am #9818
So my husband started off with verbal abuse you know that scene in friends where Rachel’s boyfriend has a secret anger problem and only Ross knows about it? Well that is his rage played to perfection. That is his style. when he starts with that I’m called a fat c**t and a wh**e (I’m a size (detail removed by Moderator) and was a virgin when I married him). Slowly he has started to get physical. (detail removed by Moderator) days ago when he was very drunk (the drinking is unusual) he attacked me very badly. He was shouting he was going to kill me and punching me repeatedly in the face the arm the chest leg and banged my head against the wall. Snarling like some kind of animal. He slept on the sofa and I slept with my child who had woken and seen what was happening. The next morning he had no memory of what had happened. He cried when he saw my bruises. He has been physical before throwing my to the floor and kicking and hit me and lots of smaller bits like grabbing my face hard while shouting shoving and throwing things at me when not drunk. I have 4 children all small.
It was the final straw that my daughter had to witness that. So I told him we had to separate. He begged to not have to do that so he has been sleeping on the sofa since. I called respect and got some advice. I also for the first time ever decided to tell his dad. I told him everything that was over (detail removed by Moderator) years. He was supportive and has been daily checking in with me. Husband went to the dr yesterday and was told to double his (detail removed by Moderator) and have behaviour therapy. Was diagnosed with depression and deep anxiety that the dr feels is bringing out his rage. He never told them he hit me though. So I’ve been keeping my distance. Yesterday before going to the dr he started the signs of getting irritated at me as I hadn’t done his washing. He calmly with a hint of bitterness said you have been sitting downstairs for (detail removed by Moderator) hours today you could have put a wash on. I said nothing but later said why would you say that to me. Im still bruised and feel like my rib is cracked we are on very thin ice and you say something negative? It made me feel sick and like he is not changing. This was before he went to the dr though so maybe I have to wait for this treatment to start working. His dad has told no one and hasn’t confronted him about it. His dad is a retired (detail removed by Moderator) and told me he is not standing for it. I think he is waiting to see if he his treatment works but will help me if I need to get out I think. He said you do not put up with being punched. The rest of the world would be shocked we are the golden couple x
17th February 2016 at 9:39 am #9822
Oh Hun 😢 sending massive hugs to you
Nobody deserves that all at and it’s disgusting behaviour especially infront of the children to 😢
I haven’t actually got any advice as I’m going through the same myself, my husband hasn’t been that physical yet tho, but he has huge anger and temper issues. He’s been crying saying he will get help, go to counselling. And I want to give him a chance, a chance to change, as do you with your husband I bet.
Do you want him to stay and try to get better? Or do you feel deep down he won’t change? 😢
I’m new here but a lot of the survivors say their partner never changed and the abuse got worse.
I’m here if you need to chat tho xxxxxxx
17th February 2016 at 10:05 am #9827Confused123Participant
Soon as i read he is threating to kill u , thats your sign u need to leave, i was with my abuser (detail removed by Moderator) years, started verbal and mental abuse to break me , then physical, emotional, sexual all began,i still took it thinking cause of kids stick it out, he will get better with support, even tried to kill me , still omg i didnt leave as my family sent me bk, but when second time he said im gonna kill u and did try i left on my own and made sure nobody sent me back . I dont know how he tired me out so much that i didnt even know who to turn to for support , please dont beleive the line i dont remember beating u , they so do, my ex would laugh next day act normal and state he must of had black out as doenst remember all the verbal or physical abuse, carry on taking family support and tell them whats happening, but behind there back get guidance from womens aid what agencies can support u to get out or get him out, report to gp , it took me six months to escape but i did it in end, build your support network, us ladies on here support each another loads,dont worry if u have four kids, they think cause we have kids they got us tied down , there is more support out there then we think, these tears r all act, they even use excuse they not drinking so will be more irriatable and we need to bare with them, chat to us a smucha s u need to. Same to u confused girl they all get physical in end protect yourself
17th February 2016 at 10:23 am #9829godschildParticipant
Hi, I’m pretty sure the GP does not know much about domestic abuse, the rage isn’t caused by depression or deep anxiety, ask yourself , does he behave like this with other people or just you, does he have a jekyle and hyde personality, ie charming to others but abusive only to you, if so thta is a choice he makes, if it wrec asue dby his mental illness , he would be like it with others. Personally I don’t think any NHS councelling is deep enough for a abuser to change and they don’t understand it. There is a very good book called why does eh do that by Lundy Bancroft, he has tried to help abusers for some years and knows the full dynamics of their behaviour, excuses etc, most abusers are in total denial of what they are doing. There is a check list in the back of the book to see if the really do want to change. If he really does there is a group called respect , they help geniune perpertrators that want to reform, most don’t, but if you google respect , give him the phone number and see if he calls them willingly , he can have a half an hour telephone talk to them and they have accredited perpertrators courses nationwide.
The is also an online help service for Men called MEVAC, men ending verbal abuse, a lot of them are trying to reform as well, also guide him to Lundy’s book but only if it is safe as it seems his abuse has got dangerous towards you, test the water slowly. You need protection though, call womens aid help line to get advise, good that your Father in Law is involved and helping you, the book may help him understad more as well xx
17th February 2016 at 10:46 am #9831
Thanks confused123 ❤️
I think I’m at the stage where I can’t really believe it’s all happened still. Yesterday he was distraught saying he didn’t want to lose me and that he knows I deserve to be happy 😢 it’s making me think it’s just a bad patch, just a blip as he’s not a bad man..
But then I know from others on here it just usually escalates 😢
I’m so glad and thankful for this site xxxx
17th February 2016 at 12:21 pm #9833Falling SkysParticipant
Mine used health issues as an excuse for abusing me. I waited over three decades for him to get better. When you get away from him you will see how bad it was, and things that I thought were accidents I can see now were done on purpose.
And of course he was distraught he knows he may loose his abuse toy.
Be careful. Now is when they can be their most dangerous.
17th February 2016 at 2:55 pm #9835
Thank you ladies it feels so good just to talk. how confidential is this forum? Will I get traced to the police or social services? I have so much to say but worried x
17th February 2016 at 3:37 pm #9838
It’s completely confidential I think hunny, well from what it says in the guidelines etc anyway 😊
I’m worried about social services to but they actually encourage you to use these websites etc to get help as it’s all confidential..
I’ll try and help you as much as I can as I’m sure the others on here will to hunny. It’s good to let it all out x*x
17th February 2016 at 4:47 pm #9844Confused123Participant
These sites r safe and a support network for us ladies,post all u need to, u just have to follow guidelines like not to mention name, ages and certain details about our police case so we not identified
18th February 2016 at 1:56 pm #9881SuntreeParticipant
First of all hugs.
I had my abuser pretend that he went to the Dr’s and that he was getting help.
He also told me that his Dr said if I didn’t sort out this or that he would end up being hospitalized and it would be my fault….
Lies which I believed.
Which years later when I relayed them to the relevant authorities when the S**t really hit the fan made me look as though I was the one off my trolley and played straight into his hands. Because when they went to his GP to verify my “story” the GP knew nothing about it with no records.
Read if you haven’t the freedom program there is some every eye opening stuff in there.
There is also the Freedom’s Flowers which is a collection (I have only seen extracts) of what they children see, take in.
18th February 2016 at 11:42 pm #9924AyannaParticipant
First of all you need to go the the nearest A&E and get an x-ray of your thorax. If the rib is cracked you have to tell them so that they call police and social services. They will remove him from the home. You then can get a non molestation and occupational order, both for a year. Forget the mental health bs, that is a trick. Think of yourself and the kids and get rid of him for good. x*x
19th February 2016 at 9:10 pm #9968
Thank you all. I have decided we are separated but living in the same house. I listened in to his telephone consultation with the counseler and he was honest about the verbal abuse and the severity. They wouldn’t give him anger management but have referred him to CBT which he starts on Friday. I have told him that we have allot to talk about when he is able to keep calm. I will be staying the rules of my house. If they are not kept he will be leaving. I know as I’m writing this though it would take another severe beating before I have the strength of character to finish with him for good. I have been reading Lundys book thank you. I know I might not survive that beating. I’m checking in with his dad three times a day. We have a plan that if there are any signs of explosive anger I’m to get in the car and drive to his parents house. I am slowly building my network. I was honest with my sister this week about what has been happening. I feel by breaking the silence it’s giving me strength. I want to be strong enough that he either tows the line or its over. He has been reading a book I downloaded from RESPECT website called choose to stop. He implemented some of the guidelines yesterday. Left the house when he felt he was stressed and telephoned to ask permission to return and apologised. He said he is going to do anything and everything possible to change. I told him that if the CBT doesn’t work well enough he must do the respects course. I need to figure out if he does screw up again what do i do? Our house is mortgaged I have 4 children and don’t work as my twins are just (removed by moderator). How would I find out exactly what financial situation I would be in. I want to make a plan in case this all goes wrong. I know I wouldn’t survive another beating like the last one x
19th February 2016 at 9:24 pm #9971
I also realised after talking to my sister that there has only been 2 years out of (removed by moderator) that I haven’t been living with either a aggressive husband or father. I need to change this pattern for my children x
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.