Not sure what to do

[LizSKY]

I thought things were not too bad, but tonight has just proven me wrong. It would be a laughable situation, but he completely lost it (detail removed by moderator). It’s just silly little things like this that can make him flip now. It used to be months, then weeks without anything and now it’s all too often. Shouting and screaming about me being a thieving b****, punching doors, throwing things and all while the kids are trying to sleep. I have not been in a situation where I have felt this upset for a while but I was trying to sleep as I’d been up since early this morning and he stood by the bed and said every time you fall asleep I am going to wake you up, which he then did until I got up. Tonight I feel drained, I have shut myself in a room and I am hoping he doesn’t come back up. I haven’t considered calling the police before but the rage is definitely getting worse and I have no idea what to do.

Sorry to have to post this I just needed to get it out and I don’t have anyone to talk to about it.

[godschild]

Poor you, I was accused last night of having a copy of my abusers book, he really went at me and it was not his book I had at all.

You cant put up with this, him deliberately waking you up that’s sheer deliberate cruelty.

I hope he leaves you alone tonight now so you can rest but you may need to call the police if his rages are getting worse to show him you wont be intimidated and abused by him,

[SunshineRainflower]

Hi LizSKY,

That sounds very abusive and scary, like it is escalating. I remember reading that abusers often deliberately sleep deprive their victims as it makes us easier to manipulate. I was always drained and exhausted around my ex, I remember once I was exhausted and kept expecting him to go home but it was like he deliberately delayed going so that I’d be even more tired. Another time I was ill and wanted an early night and he sulked because he wanted to come round ‘to look after me’ he said but I knew he’d keep me up all night. Another time he tried to get me to stay at his before an important meeting knowing I’d be too tired the next day and again sulked when I refused. My examples are mild compared to yours though, I left before things really escalated as I started to get very scared but I wasn’t married to him or living with him so it was easier to get away.

Have you put a plan in place to leave? What did the helpline say?

[LizSKY]

Thank you both.

Godschild sorry to read about your similar experience.
I didn’t realise how much it is actually starting to affect me and that it does seem to be escalating more now. I think I used to pretty much try to ignore it but that seems harder to do now and it is starting to be really intimidating.

Sunshine, I am glad that you got out before it began to escalate but it still doesn’t make it any easier. I was actually about to respond to one of your posts before this happened and was thinking that I had missed him while he had been away with work. I still can’t get round how it can be normal and then so awful. I have spoken to the helpline and they advised me to call the police as he is living at my house. I don’t have the confidence to do that yet though.

[Anonymous]

Sounds a bit like my partner if he wasn’t happy (usually if he doesn’t have money for something) even if it was 12 o’clock at night and i’d been at work all day he’d stand in the bedroom and scream at me refusing to let me sleep untill i done what he wanted, it was horrendous. I’m also the same and have no one to talk to so just wanted to let you know I understand what your going through completely.

[LizSKY]

Hi Hopeforbetter, sorry to read that you are going through the same thing.

I didn’t even think of the issue with money but yes my partner is the same, if he can’t get what he wants he goes between sulking and anger. So difficult to comprehend sometimes. Even if he knows we have a set amount to get by on I feel I have to just give in.

It’s really horrendous thinking back on the other night. Other times I can see he is just angry but it was like a switch flipped and he was a totally different person (so strange) and one of the times I have actually felt really scared. No one should have to put up with anything like this and it’s so sad to read so many of us do/have. I hope that if you are still there you manage to get out soon.

Take care x

[Rockandrolldreamscomethrough]

LizSky, the childish sulking and tantruming when he can’t get what he wants is what mine does too. When I was pregnant he refused to work so he had to sell his games console so we had money and he made me feel bad for weeks and weeks (even though it was his idea, I never asked him to) he was making me feel so guilty about it. He then asked me to go to a shop and get a new one where you pay it off weekly, in my name. Knowing full well I couldn’t afford it and he made sure it was all in my name so if I couldn’t pay it there was no come back on him. He was furious because he thought I wasn’t going to do it, I managed to get the games console anyway but it wouldn’t be delivered for a few days. He hit the roof as he obviously thought it would be an instant thing. Complained about how bored he was and was in a bad mood until it arrived. Kept threatening to ring up the shop and give them abuse or kick off on the delivery driver. I am still paying it off now. He’s the same with clothes, I had to take a bank loan to kit him out in designer gear that he wanted otherwise he would of flipped at me. I had spent about hundreds of pounds on clothes and footwear for him only for him to still not be happy and whine on and on at me for a new hat. As if I was his mum and he was a whining child for sweets, not giving up till he got what he wanted. I obviously gave in to all his demands. I can’t tell you how many times he has demanded new games or new this or new that when we are completely skint. He doesn’t care though. He used to guilt trip me into giving him money from my wages for tabacco. He also used to use his temper to get me to give him money for things, saying that he’ll be in a bad mood with me if I didn’t. It’s disgusting the lengths they will go to to get what they want x

[LizSKY]

Rockandroll, I could have written what you describe pretty much word for word. Scary how similar they all are. The sulking is awful isn’t it? We went to get something under warranty fixed today and they said it was void. As soon as they said that I knew he would instantly start as soon as we got out the shop. I wasn’t aloud to speak to him and he made a right show of me in front of everyone shouting at me as I was walking too slow. He does it a lot with money to go out too, it’s always a real guilt trip if I won’t give him the amount he needs to have a good night. I have been trying to stand my ground but it’s not getting me very far.

I have taken out finance for him too just to keep him happy and to avoid hassle. Its crazy but I am only starting to put all the pieces together in realising that no matter what I do it will never be right/good enough (unless he constantly gets what he wants).

It’s like we can’t win either way, it doesn’t matter what we do we always seem to blame and they will sulk no matter what, yet we are the selfish ones. It’s actually these mind games that get to me the most at the moment x

[KIP.]

Hey, it doesn’t matter what you did or didn’t do. What he did or didn’t get. These are just things to disguise his abuse. Abusers thrive on making us feel worthless. That’s how the make themselves feel good. They suck the life and soul from us like emotional vampires. Imagine everyone has a bucket. In this bucket they carry their toxic waste. By abusing you he is dumping all his toxic waste in your bucket, leaving his bucket light and empty and fresh, while you struggle with the back breaking weight and toxic smell in yours. My ex was often in a much better mood once he had belittled and humiliated me. They are sick people and will destroy your mental health if you stay with them. Once an abuser always an abuser x

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