- This topic has 6 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 5 years ago by
.
-
Posts
-
-
In the short, my emotionally abusive ex has been using court as a threat yet hasn’t actually had interest in our daughter who is a baby and he left when she was (detail removed by moderator) old. Not knowing what to do for the best I arranged an hour visit a week so he could build a bond as he said he was going to court. A couple of months ago he said he had applied and today I called the local family court and there hasn’t been an application made at all. He just lies and lies and it’s hard to even say why because it could be control or many other reasons as he is always trying to cover his lies to me and his family who are just as bad as him. So now what to do? do I act like I don’t know. I would like to not have contact at all as I know it’s only a source of the supply he needs to have control and not in the interest of our daughter
-
It depends on your money situation really – court is very expensive so he probably wont be taking you for real for that reason. You could do nothing if you can live with that?the likely hood will be that he will never take you to court. You might need to gather evidence as a back up plan this can ease your anxiety. Or you could take him to court to stop contact on the grounds that he has little to do with the child and that he is an abuser xx not sure if this helps love diymum xx
-
-
Hello there,
Likewise, not sure if this helps as we are all different obviously. But just to offer this, x many years on after obtaining a court order.I always thought it was like some cynical kind of chess game, having to anticipate his next moves.
Fairly typical that they threaten, threaten, threaten, and using your kids against you is sure familiar to many of us.
I went through a phase where he used it as a threat. I was so afraid of going to court, the threat was effective. But afterwards I was so grateful for the law and the judge was brilliant as ex showed his true colours. Having said that, I found the process very stressful. But I didn’t know about this forum then, and if I had, maybe it wouid not have been so scary and isolating.
As the ladies have said already, yes, journal, yes document, yes – see if you can bear the situation as it stands…that is one strategy, many of us on here have had the situation that once the threats are made (and the expense is considered by ex) – then often the interest in child contact wanes anyway.
Take KIPS point about the court order being in some senses ‘protectoin’ but especiall lately I have found it oppressive, as young person often doesn’t want to go, partly the age they are now, and the thought of having to deal with it anotehrh two years odd really gets me down sometimes.
ON the other hand, it saves speaking to ex. Easy perhaps to say get someone eles to do the handovers. There has never been anyone else, and think if there had been , ex would have kicked up a fuss about it. Which kind of defeated the object.
Think in general much more work needs to be done around managing contact by orgnanisations and therapists etc.
good luck
ftc
x -
Hello there,
Likewise, not sure if this helps as we are all different obviously. But just to offer this, x many years on after obtaining a court order.I always thought it was like some cynical kind of chess game, having to anticipate his next moves.
Fairly typical that they threaten, threaten, threaten, and using your kids against you is sure familiar to many of us.
I went through a phase where he used it as a threat. I was so afraid of going to court, the threat was effective. But afterwards I was so grateful for the law and the judge was brilliant as ex showed his true colours. Having said that, I found the process very stressful. But I didn’t know about this forum then, and if I had, maybe it wouid not have been so scary and isolating.
As the ladies have said already, yes, journal, yes document, yes – see if you can bear the situation as it stands…that is one strategy, many of us on here have had the situation that once the threats are made (and the expense is considered by ex) – then often the interest in child contact wanes anyway.
Take KIPS point about the court order being in some senses ‘protectoin’ but especiall lately I have found it oppressive, as young person often doesn’t want to go, partly the age they are now, and the thought of having to deal with it anotehrh two years odd really gets me down sometimes.
ON the other hand, it saves speaking to ex. Easy perhaps to say get someone eles to do the handovers. There has never been anyone else, and think if there had been , ex would have kicked up a fuss about it. Which kind of defeated the object.
Think in general much more work needs to be done around managing contact by orgnanisations and therapists etc.
good luck
ftc
x -
Thank you all for your help. I was granted legal aid. As soon as we separated I seemed legal help as I knew what he would use. It’s so hard to explain his behaviour because he is not the typical violent type he is the she and helpful to your face type who uses this to manipulate. He turned on me like because I see through it and when he last caught up with him I was getting wider. His family are like a swarm of sociopaths who just encourage him but also make things hard for him as I know he would just know he is in a tangled web and would walk away out of fear of being revealed but his family will question and question and not defending him but they sulk and bully him to get what they want so it’s easy to see where his behaviour stems from and on that note is why I have him more chances than I should until I told myself he is a grown man and can’t use them as an excuse for his behaviour. He lies to everyone and gets caught up in it all. He doesn’t just use court as a threat he actually tells a story of what is happening and when he applied and details of why it’s taking longer etc which after the court saying they have no application at all I had to learn that he made it all up. That’s typical of him, he lies a lot. He is a fantasist. In an ideal world he would have no contact as it really isn’t beneficial to put daughter but with alienation being a big thing that’s where I get anxious. I have enough evidence to prove what I’m saying but coercive control is so hard to explain and I feel that even professionals don’t fully understand what it involves. He will message to ask about our daughter on occasions that he knows are important to me but doesn’t at other times and has more often than not actually ignored when I’ve told him she has a cold or had an appointment. So in the eyes of someone unknowing it looks as though he is showing concern when he does message but I know that it’s just all part of his game. My saving grace is that he is quite a coward and I am hoping that he will somehow gets his family to get off his back and he will then stay away xx
-
You’ve explained his behaviour really well and the courts are well trained on coercive control since in came into law very recently. Just keep journaling his behaviour. Times, dates etc. Keep texts. You can set boundaries of when he can contact you and when he can see his daughter. Start with setting times and dates and note every time he breaks this agreement. You have a right to you own life without him in it. Set boundaries early on and stick to them. Everyone needs continuity and routine especially children.
-
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.
