not sure where to start…

[Nemo]

Hi,

I’m not quite sure where to start with how I ended up being a victim, and now a survivor.

I suppose it’s easiest to start with how I reached the point where I felt that I should probably join this forum…

I stopped the abuse (detail removed by moderator), when my drunk husband raped me while a child I was looking after at the time slept in the bedroom next to ours. Well saying I stopped the abuse then probably isn’t the right wording, he still harresses me, breaches the same police orders continually with no reprimand, including breaking into my home and attempting to rape me a second time. He hasn’t been arrested for raping me yet despite me having to endure various medical examinations to document all of my injuries, and despite the fact that I went through the gruelling process of a (detail removed by moderator) video interview with the SARC team (detail removed by moderator). He contested my application for a divorce (detail removed by moderator) until the decree nisi was finally granted last month on the grounds of his unreasonable behaviour. Now he has gone awol because he is so used to manipulating people that he is peed off he couldn’t wrap the judge sorting the divorce around his little finger and he doesn’t want to sort out financials – because the way he sees it is that at the moment he knows where I live so still has some control. I just want to be able to sell the house and move back to where my family & friends live (he moved us hours away from them years ago), but I can’t sell the house because we own it jointly.

The only thing that keeps me sane is my work, my counsellor (through Savana) says work is my ‘safe space’. He doesn’t know where my workplace is because he made me give up my work  years ago because he decided I was cheating on him with every male who worked with me :/

He is (detail removed by moderator) years older than me and he is galvanting around like a 19 year old while I’m maintaining the house and paying the mortgage. A house that he emotionally & physically abused me in for years and that I just want to rid of but legally can’t be without his permission!

I guess I’m just frustrated and everything feels so unfair, at the moment it just seems that the penalty for raping your wife is that you get to flutter away all of your & your wife’s savings on flash cars, holidays, drugs & alcohol 🙁

[KIP.]

Hi there and welcome. It seems just when you overcome one form of abuse, they move onto another. My husband won’t sort finances either. I’m having to take him to court and I’d advise you to do the same. Even if you do track him down and he agrees to co operate. He will take the shirt off your back and expect you to thank him. Get a good solicitor who knows about abusers to take him straight to court. No negotiating. Decide what you want and get your solicitor to sort it. It’s an uphill struggle. Speak to your local MP and keep putting pressure on police to deal with him. Stay strong❤️

[Nemo]

hi KIP, thanks for the welcome 🙂
my solicitor is really great she specialises in domestic violence. she’s says i shouldn’t accept less than a 70/30 split (in my favour). i know we will end up in court but he will still drag it out by not turning up and not filling out the Form E correctly. he just doesn’t want me to be able to move house because he still wants to be able to ‘check in’ on what i’m up to and who i’m seeing.

Hi Stormy, just wanted to send u a hug ({}) and to say i agree with KIP about giving the helpline a call. Also just wanted to say you’re not alone in how you’re feeling and hopefully the forum will be good for both us newbies in 🙂

[Stormy]

hey i feel the same not sure where to start but come out of an abusive relationship trying to turn my life aorund after my abusive ex put me and my kids in danger and im just scared constantly no one seems to understand.

[KIP.]

Hi Stormy, you’ve found the right forum. Do you have a women’s aid worker. Give the helpline a call and get in touch with your local branch.

[Author]

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