Not sure whether its abuse or not?

[Zanyzebedie]

Hi all,

I’ve been with my husband for [detail removed by moderator] years now and have two lovely children with him. Most of the time he is lovely and really caring, he does sometimes have anger issues however and can be a bit of a Jeckle and Hyde character, his face changes and he takes out his bad day on whoever is around, whether this is me, a family member or even a random waitress. When he’s in a mood he seems to blame me for anything and everything and I can’t do right for doing wrong. He has never been violent as such; a long time ago he used to throw the odd thing at me when in a rage, although he hasn’t done this in a long while. Years ago he also put his fist through a door when he was ‘upset’. He also has a habit of jokingly putting me down in public, although I think he sees this as ‘banter’.

Recently he has also started loosing his temper with our [detail removed by moderator] year old daughter. This weekend we were at an event with lots of family and friends when my children started fighting in the corner of the room behind my back. The first I knew of this was my husbands ‘rage face’, followed by him rugby tackling our daughter out of the fire exit of the room in full view of everyone. There were quite a few comments made by everyone. I went out to see my daughter who was crying outside and had red marks on her arm where she had been grabbed and shoved/dragged. I eventually persuaded her to come back in.

My daughter has also recently started not to want to go on holiday, when I talk to her about this she has said its because dad always gets grumpy when we are packing etc.

He doesn’t get angry too much with our [detail removed by moderator] year old son, however I’ve noticed our son has a habit at times of putting on a baby voice, and I do wonder if this is to avoid being the brunt of rage.

At times I wonder about the impact all of this is having on our children, it can’t be nice hearing mum and dad shouting at each other when dad is in a mood to pick a fight. The family as a whole does seem to spend a lot of our time ‘walking on eggshells’ in order to avoid setting him off.

I know everyone gets into bad moods at times, is this behavior normal or abusive? To me it seems to lie in some kind of grey area in between.
Thanks in advance ZanyZebedie

[Lisa]

Hello Zanyzebedie,

Welcome to the Forum and thank you for posting. I am pleased you found us so I hope you find the support you are looking for.

The feeling of ‘walking on eggshells’ is a key sign of dealing with an abusive person. You and your children must be exhausted from trying to not upset your husband to avoid his rage. It is very worrying how he handled the situation of your children fighting; it is not normal to behave the way he did.

Are you able to call the 24hr National Domestic Violence Helpline (0808 2000 247)? The Helpline Workers will discuss with you what is happening at home and go through your options. The Helpline Workers will not judge or tell you what to do. They can signpost you to other helpful organisations or just act as a listening service. The Helpline can be very busy but there is a voicemail service available to request a call back at a safe and convenient time.

Well done for reaching out for support. Keep posting to us when you can, there will be support here for you along the way.

Best wishes,

Lisa

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