1st February 2016 at 9:48 am #8768
Hello I’m new here, unfortunately not new to abuse. I have been in an abusive relationship for almost (detail removed by Moderator) years.
I made the mistake of believing things were getting better after going 4 months without verbal or physical attacks. I promised myself that this year would be different, he told me our lives would be different now.
But it’s all starting again. The tension is building and the other night he chased me up the stairs as I dared to stick up for myself. Luckily I managed to lock myself in the bathroom. He’s very angry at me and demanding i give him money for this and money for that, he leaves me with nothing.
I’ve been bombarded with text messages from him, the same soul destroying messages accusing me of things and calling me names, fat slob, disgusting sl*g, awful mother who doesn’t love her kids, mother who can’t bear to be around her children. I say soul destroying but my souls packed up and left years ago, I’m just a shell who most of the time believes the cruel things he says
It’s my birthday (detail removed by Moderator), I’ve never had a good birthday while with him, it’s always been a huge fight in the days leading up to,then the day I my birthday has been a superficial family day out, with me too terrified to do anything but go along with it. He thinks I don’t deserve a nice birthday, I feel like I don’t either.
Does anyone else experience violence and verbal abuse worse before events such as birthdays or christmas for example?
It’s difficult for me to put into words what I’m going through and I’m so thankful for all the ladies strong enough to write their experiences as I feel like they could have been written by me.
The year started off good, I had high hopes for the rest of our lives together, how foolish.
Sorry if this post comes across as feeling sorry for myself, I just never know what to do for the best. I thought staying with him was for the best. I’m struggling.
1st February 2016 at 10:01 am #8770CutieSunshineParticipant
my partner was always nasty to me before my birthday , Christmas and valentines day. he use to always say your the only girl I have never bothered with, this went on for many years and now I hate Christmas , I hate my birthday and I hate valentines day because he destroyed every bit of happiness I held onto. I know it is easy to say but you really need to get him out of your life things will never change . my partner was nice to me for about 8 weeks when he thought I had moved on and I really had high hopes we was going to be a family again but then all the emotional abuse started again and I was left so broken.
1st February 2016 at 10:24 am #8772godschildParticipant
Yes mine has ruined Christmases, birthdays including his own by throwing gifts out of my wardrobe that I have got for him , yet happily accepting everyone elses, he has ruined my birthday some years and mothers day.
He ruined Christmas totally this year yet keeps on telling me I ruined it yet today I find he has text out Daughter to say sorry for ruining christmas !!!
Can also understand you thinking you have moved on when they are nice for a few weeks, its hard to beleive they will ever be abusive again when this happens but it always comes back, you are not feeling sorry for yourself its horrendous to cope with.
They cant stand up sticking up for ourselves, ive been chased up the stairs and took refuge behind the bedroom door whilst he beats on it.
Also be called al manner of filthy names, have you read the book by Lunday Bancroft, called why does he do that , its very very good x
1st February 2016 at 10:51 am #8775
Godschild and cutiesunshine thankyou for your replies, I have massive anxiety around my birthday and when people ask why I’m not exited I just make a joke about how I don’t like getting old.
Have you both managed to find some peace? I think I may never be at peace with myself, I worry he has damaged my relationship with my daughters, and I’m terrified they will think it’s okay to be treat like this. He has a brilliant bond with his daughters and they love him very much,they’ve never witnessed the physical but have the verbal. I know he has to leave, but I just don’t know how. I just want him to go and leave me,
I haven’t read the book, I will have a look on amazon now, thankyou,
1st February 2016 at 12:38 pm #8791
You need to call the police on him and you need to record him. Buy a recorder that looks like a memory stick or something else. Also call Rights of Women, but in a way he cannot find out. Also inform social services. Report your situation to your GP too. You need to build a saftey network where everybody knows about your situation, then you can get him out for good. Do not grieve over him. Kick him out and never look back. But before that make yourself safe. Abusers are most dangerous when the women want to end the relationships. Rest assured that he will never change, he will get worse.
If he is physically violent again quickly call 999. They will throw him out. Then you get a non molestation and occuaptional order for a year and bye bye. Please do not be emotional, he has no empathy for you either. xxxx
1st February 2016 at 2:01 pm #8797
I’m terrified of telling people the true extent of the abuse, I’m scared of agencies being involved and I’m scared I’m not strong enough to be rid of him forever. I’m currently receiving counselling, but they don’t know he still comes and goes as he pleases they think we aren’t together, I’m scared to tell people the truth, I feel like I’m dishonouring him.
1st February 2016 at 4:47 pm #8808
What are you going counselling for when you lie to them?
I think from what you say that you have Stockholm Syndrome. Do not worry. I had that too.
Just try to think straight.
Do you want to carry on living like that or do you want a life free from abuse?
There is nothing in between this.
He does not love you. If he did love you he would not abuse you.
Do you really want to waste your energy on an individual that has no feelings for you?
Respect yourself and plan your escape to freedom!
1st February 2016 at 5:12 pm #8810
Ouch Ayanna, lol, yes you speak the truth, and I’m sure you know how difficult it is to take that huge step. I know all this, I know what he’s doing to me is wrong, and I know what I should do, it’s just doing it
1st February 2016 at 5:29 pm #8811
Hugs, Justmum! We all go through that.
What about beginning to be true to yourself? But this requires that you speak the truth during counselling. You can tell them that you have Stockholm Syndrome. That is, the victim colludes with the abductor/abuser/ criminal …. They will understand. Tell them all about your fears. Maybe you can find the help that you need there to end your suffering once and for all?
But it is up to you.
If you can, google for information about your situation, think everything through. Rights of Women have brilliant legal advice. Contact them and ask them what would happen if …. That can alleviate a lot of fears. Also look for a domestic violence police officer where you live and speak with them. You can do little things. In the end it will be a huge step and you are out safely. Always be aware that abuse becomes worse when they know we want to leave them. Have your phone with you at all times so that you can quickly call 999. If you switch the location on your phone on, they can trace your call if you are unable to speak. x*x
1st February 2016 at 6:24 pm #8826Confused123Participant
Please dont feel embrassed u gave him another chance, but u do need support and help, please call womens aid and make a plan to get out , they dont change and they just abuse us when they want, no day or month is special to them, some ladies go bk so many times before they think enough is enough,some like me take forever to leave, u have to be strong and get out safely or have him removed
1st February 2016 at 9:29 pm #8840
Thanks all for taking the time to write me a reply, your words truely give me strength,
I will be going to the woman’s centre for the next drop in, I’ve only felt this strong once before. I was quickly brought back down. I’m ready for it now.
Thanks again xx
1st February 2016 at 11:56 pm #8849I want to break freeParticipant
Hi JustMum. I just wanted to say that my ex was always a nightmare at Christmas and around birthdays. The abuse would build up sometimes months before. This christmas I read somewhere online that domestic abuse increases over christmas. I did not know this before but it was the case for me. I was threatened with a knife and I could tell no one what just happened – had loads of visitors and just had to play happy families like nothing had happened. it was so isolating and lonely. I did not dare to voice the truth to anyone what was really happening. Its was a sort of denial – if I told noone then maybe it was not happening.
Please dont beat yourself up for staying and giving him another chance. We have a lot invested in these relationships and because we are kind, good people we want to believe the best in people. It takes along time for truth to dawn and to realise HE WILL NEVER CHANGE – people said it to me and I did not believe them. I got out and still hoped he would change – so far he never has.
I colluded with my abuser. Did not report things, protected him, minimised the abuse and pretended it was not that bad etc. I think it is very common to do these things.
I dont know so much about Stockholm syndrome but “trauma bonding” is another word for it. Have a google and see what it says but basically because the abuser is nice and horrible we end up bonding in a stronger way than a normal relationship and it can make it very hard to leave. For me it was like a spiritual awakening. Like leaving a cult…… to suddenly realise what was happening and see things for what they really were. To see the control even when he was being nice etc. It really does take time. Baby steps. Try and read about abuse if you have the opportunity and post here etc I found it built up my inner strength.
Please keep posting, we are here for you
2nd February 2016 at 8:55 am #8856mixed-up mumParticipant
Hiya Justmum – well done for posting on here – we will all help you as much as we can – sometimes it’s just a help to sa6 those words ‘out loud’ – just to share it.
Its so easy to give them ‘one last try’ they say they will change, they promise things will be better, and you want to believe that this time they will……
Birthdays, Christmas, New Year, Valentines Day – they should all be nice times, fun times, special times, but I always felt sad – it only ever served as a ‘marker’ for yet another year gone by and I was still with him……
He would make this big pretence of making a fuss of me and we all had to have a nice time – and the day before and the day after he would go back to being his usual self – hypocrite!!!!
I know just what you mean – it got to be so as I could not enjoy my birthday – I’m been out now for 3 birthdays and its no different I too now feel like I don’t deserve to be spoilt or made a fuss of and I find it hard to let folk make a fuss of me – its not in my nature to want to be made to feel special – I just want to feel ‘normal’ – I don’t feel worth spoiling……
I hope you can be free soon and find some peace.
Keep posting on here as much as you need to – I’m sure everyone will do their best to help and support you on your journey to freedom….
Mixed-up Mum x*x
2nd February 2016 at 10:34 am #8867
Thanks so much for your support mixed up mum and I want to break free. It’s amazing to me that you had the strength to leave these abusive terrible relationships( if you can call them that)
I’m going to the local woman’s centre to get some advise, I know for me the no contact rule will be very difficult, as if he doesn’t get a response by verbally abusing me he will ask when he is seeing the children, when I still don’t reply he says I am using the children against him.
Maybe any of you ladies could advise me what generally happens when you ring the police to report abuse? How do you do no contact but still arrange for them to see the children?
2nd February 2016 at 11:37 pm #8922I want to break freeParticipant
Hi JustMum, I am not at all sure how I managed to leave looking back. It was just sheer terror that he was about to kill me. That and my little girl saying “Daddy is scary” that woke me up out of my denial and made me take action. I always thought it would be something big that would push me over the edge and make me finally leave – in the end it was something tiny and stepping back and seeing the bigger picture.
Even when I took action I did not want to. I did not accept that it was over, I hoped he would come to his senses etc. I had to force myself to take action and i knew if I did not leave at that point perhaps I never would.
I am probably not the best person to ask about the police – I did not really go to the police much and I did not have a great experience. However that was because when he assaulted me the final time – he blamed it on me and they arrested me too!!!
If you go off your own back and make a report you should get better treatment.
For me I got a Non – Mol looking back I forced myself to do it and I felt physically sick when i went to court. I felt guilty and empty – it was a horrible feeling but that Non Mol has served me well. I dont think I could have got out of the relationship without it and he would NEVER left me alone. The Non Mol gave me a breathing space and i missed him like crazy and really mourned the relationship and could easily of broken the Non Mol on many occasions but it gave me time to understand what had happened and build up my strength etc.
I dont know how old your children are or if they want to see your ex-partner but there are options – my non mol allowed for communication about finances and contact via e-mail and we arranged contact in a contact centre. It was horrible to go for the first time and I had to hold back the tears but I can honestly say that the contact centre has been such a lifeline.
If you dont do contact centre you can arrange for contact via a third party. I think the womens centre will be able to help you think it through. I had no idea how ANYTHING would work before the NON Mol as I said it was fear that drove me in the end to get it. But step by step things did get sorted. Be gentle with yourself, get advice and take baby steps towards your goals.
4th October 2016 at 1:28 pm #29446
Dear Justmum,I hope that you are OK. I will reply to your message later, I can’t reply right now. Please read No Contact & Escape, how to beat the n********t, both available free to read on Amazon. Both shortish easy reads X*x💪💪💪❤❤❤
4th October 2016 at 4:43 pm #29458
HA have you any idea how much I needed to see this post. and have you any idea how much love for you I have right now. Thank you your amazing🌹
4th October 2016 at 5:08 pm #29459
You are welcome, never forget that we are strong, powerful women who have just been lucky to have a brush with a n********t – we will get through this and we will come out much better for it. I will message properly later. X*X
4th October 2016 at 5:09 pm #29460
I meant unlucky!
4th October 2016 at 8:22 pm #29470
Dear Justmum, I know that you sent me a message saying that your still deeply heartbroken and sending him lots of messages, & that he now has a girlfriend. It may help you to look at the Cycle of Loss, this helped me a lot when I felt like this. http://psychcentral.com/lib/the-5-stages-of-loss-and-grief/
You know from the messages that we have exchanged that I was in more or less the identical position as this. I have done so much reading & research into emotional abuse as I was determined and desperate to find out what happened to me and how I could deal with it so that I could break free of the invisible prison that I was in. I’ve done hours and hours of reading on narcissists and other types of personality disorders and emotional abuse. I know that you have now contacted your ex quite a few times, post split, ‘begging?’ him to want you back. (I do apologize if i have got this wrong).
It struck me today that when I was in that relationship the way that I acted I was REACTING to what I was presented with. One of his favorite tricks was hinting to dump me, its called ‘Threatened Loss’ in Escape, How to Beat the N********t, or Negative Reinforcement (30 Covert Manipulation Tactics). By this time it was past the golden period of Love Bombing/Grooming and within the Devaluation stage. If he had done that when we very first met before he had hooked me I would have left. But by then he had got me emotionally hooked and had accessed my deepest fears and secrets. One of which was being left. So he went on his merry way and got joy out of subtly hinting that he would dump me. It was all very subtle just enough for me to know. So when he did this my natural response was to chase him, beg him and plead for him not to leave me. I did this around 5 times, 3 of those times I was begging and crying on my knees. Once I was so disturbed I should have admitted myself for psychiatric help. He had got so far into the dark recesses of my mind where nobody had even been, even me and stirred up his poison. The Devils Toolkit by HG Tudor is also a good read. Baring in mind I am a law abiding, professional independent woman who has never had serious MH problems. So I REACTED to his dumping of me, it was my reaction to what he was doing. I have never acted this way with anybody before. Justmum, i think that you are reacting to his actions towards you now. I think you are causing yourself great emotional injury, really damaging your self confidence and self belief as a good person and you are giving him SO MUCH power. I remember how it was, i could not go straight to NC until I had some realm of closure, I got this when we finished, but before that I contacted him a lot. I think it would do you so much good to stop all contact with him and focus on yourself and your family now. It is likely he is loving you chasing him like this, all the while he is with this other woman. I believe now that my ex was doing online dating whilst he was with me, IN MY HOUSE USING MY PC. If I had known that at the time he would have been pure dead meat. You can move on from this Justmum but I think the more you contact him the more your giving your power away. Do keep posting and reading on here, we can all help you. XXXX (I love my life now) – Have you read No Contact by HG Tudor? X*X
4th October 2016 at 8:25 pm #29471
PS, I am staying far away from all social media where I might cross his path or any of this friends, relatives or associates. I don’t snoop, look anybody up or try to find out information, its just too dangerous for your peace of mind.
4th October 2016 at 10:00 pm #29481LiquoriceParticipant
Wow healthy archive im hoping for your strength one day x
4th October 2016 at 10:08 pm #29485
Thanks Liquorice you will get there, Full No Contact is key, if you have kids, Grey Rock and if you can recruit a third party to help out with communication this helps. X*X
4th October 2016 at 10:15 pm #29486
Mine was an a******e too he would flirt with other women whilst his wife was asleep next to him in his bed the disgusting piece of c**p! Vile! I know he’s cheated on me but he said he would never to do that – rubbish. But then again who in their right mind would want him he made my skin crawl – yuk!
What you want is the illusion of him. The thought of who he displays to be is very charming and attractive to you and is no shape or form a real reflection of who he is! Write a list of positive vs negative about him and you will be surprised what you will see. You cannot lie to yourself you will write it down and see exactly in front of you what he really is. They will try anything mine tried to show me that he was moving on whilst still married to me lol I thought yeah good luck with that one didn’t know you were now a bigamist too lol. I gave him the complete opposite reaction he wanted I got onto the phone to my Solicitor the next morning at 9am and forwarded her the evidence. It prompted me to take the step to divorce him and get those papers sent to him quick and my god did his poo come out lol hilarious. He even used his sick pet to try and lure me back in pure emotional blackmail his method of contact was drafted down to the T. I could tell that he spent hours and hours perfecting his I don’t have you speech I look back at our relationship with such fond memories b******s! It was not from the heart it was an oscar winning performance. I sent the message straight to my friend for a second opinion snd she agreed. Reality over imagination any day. Your mind plays tricks on you and tells you exactly what you want to think he is and then other times it tells you what your heart doesn’t want to hear. Listen to what your heart doesn’t want to hear because our hearts are biased!
4th October 2016 at 10:29 pm #29488
I tell you one thing if I saw this man again I would tell him how low his self esteem is because he had no throw his weight around to he a real man. I would tell him how he was completely punching wayyyy above his weight and I would tell him the only way he could keep me was by trying to crush me so badly that I could see no other way out. But, what I will remind him is he picked the WRONG GIRL! I am far too independent, far too intelligent for his rubbish. I am self sufficient I’ve never needed a man for anything I can get anything I want for myself. I ordered flowers for myself yes me. I don’t need a man for anything! My new motto is anything I want I get myself. He wouldn’t even support me to buy a car I bought it myself (detail removed by moderator). Do you know how that made me feel? Proud, empowered! I got a very good deal and assured the salesman there was no way he could rip me off I have been bought up around cars by the males in my family they taught me well. My husband could not stand I could survive without him it threatened his c****y little ego. I didn’t take a penny from him snd I didn’t earn for a while as I suffered from a full on breakdown knowing I had made a terrible mistake marrying him and knew there was no way I could get out. But guess what? I did!! I will never have to wash his pants or see his vile face in the mornings or before I go to sleep again. Ever haha. I was taught by my mother to look after myself that’s what got me out and how I escaped. Ladies learn to rely on no one but yourself give yourself the tools to get out of this dire situation and onto a life of prosperity and exactly what you deserve – happiness!
4th October 2016 at 10:30 pm #29489
That is a good point Positive. Its called ‘Ever Presence’ (30 Covert Manipulation Tactics & Fuel by HG Tudor talk about this). Ever Presence is what they deliberately create during the golden period AKA Love Bombing or Grooming period early on. This is calculated and contrived and designed to get into your head and under your skin, so that you continually refer to Ever Presence whilst you are being devalued – i.e treated like rubbish and made to feel crazy. Its why you hold onto the relationship, hoping you will get back that golden period and why you suffer so much with trauma bonding afterwards. The follow up after the Love Bombing, Devalation confuses the mind. This is called Cognitive Dissonance, trying to make sense of the different behaviours. Once you go full No Contact and prevent them contacting you in all shapes and forms, your mind and thoughts start to become more natural without manipulation or interference. It might help to look at the thread on here called ‘Can anybody give any examples of Gas Lighting’.
4th October 2016 at 11:16 pm #29492
I’m going to look into that more thanks HA. I understand it and recognise it but don’t really get the psychology of it. All I know is mine wrote me poetry lol yes he thought he was Shakespeare in his frigging dreams lol! He thought so much of himself he never thought I would leave him as we had big struggles before marriage and I nearly fell apart but what I’ve done this time is phenomenal. You can have history and years and years together, children even grandchildren but it means NOTHING if they treat you like you’re WORTHLESS! What we have and had is HISTORY and that’s where it’s staying! My mum asked would you ever go back to him – she’s asked this at the very early stages. I said mum if he was the last man in this universe I would have no choice but to become a lesbian! She laughed so much! I said I’m being serious I would not go back to him if he was the last man on planet earth. I would rather be in a coffin I would have a better quality of life! Never! Ever! Nooooo chance I could never go back. My eyes are fully opened now I have woken up smelt the coffee, smelt his stinking personality and his stinking breath! I cannot ignore, condone or stand by this behaviour now no way. I feel that my sense of humour gets myself through this and it also helps those around me. With what you know about these men ladies you cannot ignore. What would you say to a dear friend? Would you expect them to put and shut up? No! So why do we do this to ourselves? Call the helpline! They are trained they understand they will tell you the right thing. Fight this with everything you have it will be worth it I promise. Remember that God gave you the physical and mental strength to give birth.(detail removed by moderator)They are not strong enough you are! You think you are struggling but you aren’t you are recognising what is happening to you is not right that is the first step to your recovery you are questioning things and using your judgment everything these creatures try to take away. We live in a society where a woman can do anything that a man can do and in fact she does it far better. We are all in this together holding hands from all backgrounds, professions, corners of this country we can and we are fighting abuse we are all living proof of surviving abuse we are ALIVE! Even if you have not escaped yet remember that and never let go of that thought you have the power x*x
6th October 2016 at 8:17 pm #29626lover of no contactParticipant
‘You can have history and years and years together, children even grandchildren but it means NOTHING if they treat you like you’re WORTHLESS! What we have and had is HISTORY and that’s where it’s staying’.
Powerful words Positiveandlooking ahead. And this is so true:
‘I would tell him the only way he could keep me was by trying to crush me so badly that I could see no other way out. But, what I will remind him is he picked the WRONG GIRL! I am far too independent, far too intelligent for his rubbish. I am self sufficient I’ve never needed a man for anything I can get anything I want for myself. I ordered flowers for myself yes me. I don’t need a man for anything! My new motto is anything I want I get myself. He wouldn’t even support me to buy a car I bought it myself’
6th October 2016 at 8:39 pm #29628
This is by far the best way to be, to protect ourselves & enable us to ‘need’ a man less. I remember Serenity posted not long ago to focus on making sure all important bases in your life are in good shape: Your home is secure with minimal threat of eviction or loss of your home: Your finances in good shape: Debts to a minimum, savings building up; Physical & Mental health in as good a shape as they can be: Your social circle, comfortable so that you are not looking for a man to fill a gap or void.
A couple of days ago I had a horrible day at work, at the end of the day I felt quite down and drained. A nice man that I know smiled at me, I felt drawn & possibly attracted to him. I put two and two together and realized that the reason I felt like that was because I felt down & probably in need of a cuddle. Its probably a good idea to get some self soothing strategies in place for when we are feeling low, to avoid turning to a man to fill a void which is something that I have always done.
6th October 2016 at 9:00 pm #29631
Oh wow lover of no contact I love how you quoted me back I don’t realise how powerful my words are! It’s completely true though think to yourself what do you need a man for? Love, care and companionship. We don’t need a man to bring the money in, to drive us anywhere, to take us anywhere, buy us anything we need. I know how to keep my car running I don’t rely on my dad or anyone. I will learn how to change a tyre how to fix a fuse because there are still things I don’t know. Find something else to cuddle get yourself one of those microwaveable hot water bottles! It will keep you warm as well as compensate you for that cuddle it will never let you down I promise. HA and Serenity are completely right! X
6th October 2016 at 9:15 pm #29637
I have had over 10 holidays alone or with groups up until now, I traveled the world solo after buying around the world ticket, no man was going to keep me back. I’m a member or 4 or 5 social groups & i’m going away for a fantastic new year weekend with one of the groups – having a man is not a necessity in this day & age. You can even have a sex life if you want to without being in a serious relationship.
6th October 2016 at 10:15 pm #29646
Wow go you! I’ve started to look at a holiday for my birthday but then I was thinking am I being spoilt? Should I calm down after my luxury holiday? I want to realistically pay some debts off too and leave myself financially better off each month. Definitely not you don’t need a man to make you happy the key is to find happiness within yourself. Society doesn’t pressurise you into having a relationship so having time out to rebuild yourself and to think about what is important to you is so important. I think vitally taking time out to ensure you don’t miss the signs again is so important. I’m not sure how it works but I know I definitely will be speaking to women’s aid before I go on dates in the future. I need all the tools to make the right healthy choices and I think we all should think about that when the time is right x
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.