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Hi there, I have already created one topic in “is it abuse?”. But I would like to share more toughts. I am married and we have little children. This relationship isn’t right from the beginning but I wanted to be loved so much that I didn’t want to see what is going on. I called the helpline and they said I need to find out about housing, I called also local helpline they told me to make an appointment with council. I am ready to take next steps soon and prepare to leave. Once I will have somewhere to go than I want to inform my husband that I am leaving him. But I am afraid that he wouldn’t allow me to take the kids with me. I don’t trust him. I don’t know what he is capable of. I can’t believe how I wasn’t myself because of him. I cuted off from my friends, I dedicate to home and kids, tried to be the perfect housewife and perfect wife but it is never enough for him. He is expecting me to do everything at home and with the kids plus all the organisation and paperwork. He keep saing that I don’t work I am just sitting at home and he is doing everything being so good husband, paying bills, buying food… Once he said I am lazy and I a not a good mother and wife. When I don’t do what he wants he is really harsh for me. Sometimes gets angry and shouting at me, swearing all the time.. I feel I don’t deserve this. I used to be happy full of dreams and ideas. Now I am sad, lonely and confused. It shouldn’t be like that. Also he is very aggressive outside home for example when driving and the other driver do something what upsets him, he is driving very dengerously and many times get out of the car and wanted to punch the other driver. He always is in trouble, he always has a problem with somebody. He blames me also for everything including his unacceptable behaviour. Now I am not talking to him, only about the kids, shopping etc. I still cook for him and give him the dinner like in the restaurant. His behaviour forced me to do this many times. I don’t want him to touch me or to sit next to me.. I think I don’t love him anymore because I have enough. I feel quite strong at the moment but I know I am just beginning the hardest time in my life. Actually my childhood was also bad. But as in my ligin… I want to fight for myself and my kids. I need some support and I will keep posting and reading. xx
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Hi there
Im sorry you are in this situation. It is good that you are now sure you live with an abuser – it is clear from what you say that your husband is abusing you.
I would urge you to get advice on your safety plan. I would advise against telling him you are leaving. Now you have figured it out you may find the abuse starts to escalate and it will be at its worst if you tell him your plan to leave. You don’t owe him an explanation.Lx
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Lightness thank you for replying. Do you think I should leave with the kids when he is not around? I don’t know if I should do this as he has the same rights to kids as me. And he is nice to them, they love their father is obvious and I would just feel so bad just leaving without explenation. But I wonder how he would behave.. what if he take for example my daughter and wont let me take her with me? It would be a nightmare for me and her. Our son is so little I think he wouldn’t take him from me but I am afraid about my daughter. He is spending a lot of time with her so he could freak out when I would want to take her. I still believe that we might have calm conversation about my decision once I will have everything organised. I want my kids to see him I don’t want to take their father away. But I am so confused
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Hi there,
I think a lot of ladies who have been in your situation make plans to leave without telling the abuser. They gather all necessary documents and belongings in secret, like in bin bags and hide them somewhere, then they leave with the children when he is out.
Then they arrange contact for the children either themselves or through a third party whilst and after divorce. This is my understanding of it anyway. I would not recommend telling him your plans to leave, abusers are not reasonable people, they lie all the time and change the goal posts. Some try to keep the children not because they want them but because they know it hurts the mother. Abuse can escalate too if they know you are leaving, so you want to plan and do it quietly and in secret then get to a place of safety like a private flat, with friends/family or to a refuge because this is the time when your personal safety is most at risk.
Keep posting for support, there are many who have been where you are and have got through it safely and are on their paths to recovery now. Well done for being brave, seeing the truth and taking the first steps to an abuse free life.
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Hi hUn
well done for identifying with the abuse, def dont tell him your plans he will make life hell, confuse u by acting nice for while then bk to normal, get a plan in place and leave when his not around, sunshine rain flower has guided u right, this is what i did, got the advice, found a place , pre pack stuff, pre moved basics , and thx god i did, as was planning to leave at end of month, but we had such a bad argument i ended up escaping earlierr, reach out on here u wil get loads of support. do not feel bad kids need a dad, i tho0ught the same tilli relaised the impact it had on kids
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Thank you for your support and advice xx how shall I contact him after I leave? Can’t he call the police and accuse me of kidnapping the kids? (detail removed by Moderator) What about meetings with him, what if he take my daughter and don’t give her back to me? Sorry for so many questions but I am really afraid…
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I suggest you call the helpline for advice. I agree with what the other ladies have said above.
It is hard to make the mental leap to allowing yourself to leave without informing him but that is the standard advice and what I did (thank goodness)
At the moment you will be experiencing FOG – fear, obligation and guilt. That is how our abusers program us to comply with want THEY want. Now is the time to fight for yourself!I felt terrible leaving without a conversation but I can honestly say I have no guilt now.
Now days I see that he didn’t deserve anything from me. Abusers don’t experience feelings the way we do. Whatever you do her will experience anger. He won’t think you are reasonable for acting with respect to him.I would focus on what YOU need and what is safe and lawful.
Other ladies will be along to offer support
Lx
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Hi HUn
First of all before you even leave, start with today report the abuse to your gp, so is on your records , once you leave your find they will bombbard u with messages and wanting to see the kids. This is where the ball is in your hand, you say to start of you want superivsed contact , when you leave u can ask for a family support worker who will guide you, when i left i approached a domestic violence agency just about my housing options, when i disclosed the abuse i was allocated a support worker who helps and guides you with the support you need. Yes that always is risk they wont return child after contact but i find most of time children want to come bk to us, and they tend to want to pass over back but do want to see kids. Each abuser is different but has similar traits, mine wanted to see kids but used that as an excuse to see me and to get me to change my mind, mine emotional abused the kids, but they were older when i left but the impact still effected them, ask as many questions as u need to, sometimes we just have to take everything step by step and we can guide u along through each stage. I know its nervous leaving and we have so many questions and thoughts but u can do this
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Yep I can vouch for the fact that a face to face conversation with an abuser where you try and explain that you have had enough puts you in a very dangerous situation. The first physical attack o experienced from my ex happened few minutes after I told him I had had enough.
Next time I ended it I did it over the phone but although he couldn’t physically give me a whack, it did not stop him trying to manipulate me back. Threats, promises to change, love bombing… It has been awful. Just have as little contact as possible. He knows what he has done and he knows why you have gone. You don’t need to explain it to him. Think of yourself and kids first. X*x -
Oh thanks God I posted here… I am experiencing FOG definitely as Lightess said. I booked an appointment with housing department in my council and after that I felt horrible fear 🙁 it just show me that I live in such a toxic relation. I am even afraid to do anything without my husband knowledge. The plan in my head looks like that: act like nothing is happening as much as I can. Do in secret step by step such as finding out housing options, reporting an abuse to GP, keeping in touch with local helpline, hiding important documents and trying to cope emotionally and stick to my decision. Soon I will go on holiday to my mum so I will rest from him and think about all options again. Once I will have somewhere to go I want to leave just a note saying that children are safe with me and I will be contacting him via emails about seeing the kids. I consider also reporting abuse to the police so he can’t accuse me of kidnapping kids. Than I want to delete my Facebook, change phone number and contact him only via emails. I also consider taking legal advice because I don’t trust him (detail removed by Moderator) who will take care of the children and when he can see them. Otherwise he will use them to manipulate me, he could agree for something and next day he could just do different thing to touch me emotionally. Does that sounds reasonable???
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