Now I’m the abusive one .. am I?

[UndertheStarz]

Hi me again, sorry I am really struggling to feel validated in my feelings and own ways of behaviour.

I am currently being told from a dv support worker how my reactions are toxic which I fully accept and understand however how do I explain my self in a meeting with social workers and other professionals without coming across like I’m shifting blame? My dv worker also said she felt its learnt behaviour and reactions to his treatment. But social services are suggesting putting me in a perpetrator course like my husband is doing.

My husband has struggled with mental health and anger this is across (detail removed by Moderator) years together he cheated on me (detail removed by Moderator), has watched online things that cross my boundaries despite constant arguments about this and him denying knowing how it gets on his phone!  There are many other lies and deceit with money and debts, claiming to people about me or the children being in hospital to avoid people who chase him for debts via his (detail removed by Moderator) work all sorts of factors led me to have zero trust, zero self worth and confidence or feelings of security in my marriage has totally gone.

When he cheated he begged me to let him back he even (detail removed by Moderator) to stop me driving off from leaving him and got (detail removed by Moderator) and told everyone he cant be better person unless he is with me at this time he told me he was happy to be open and honest if I wanted to ask him where he was or who people are and to discuss things with me and have better communication no secrets no lies ! However things have continued over a long period of time of the same issues other than cheating but he’s now reporting how I effect him asking where he is and what he’s doing, saying he is the victim and I’m controlling and questions me how I don’t love him or support him because he’s (detail removed by Moderator) social services for domestic abuse ( emotional, physical) both to me and your children.

How do I explain my messages of asking him where he is and who is who as my way of a safety barrier I guess that he suggested we could do I realise it isn’t healthy and it hasn’t helped at all to make me feel anymore worthy to him.

I have become a different person I feel totally destroyed and been in and out of hospital with (detail removed by Moderator) down to the stress I am also (detail removed by Moderator) pregnant.

Thanks I hope some people will understand my reactions and have some advice I know some of this is wrong but it isn’t who I was and I don’t feel I should be deemed as the abuser either because I’ve become this way from betrayal and deciet it isn’t my personality or goals. I only ever fell in love and can’t cope with the hurt he’s caused but I also feel I can’t fully not love and let go of him

 

 

[minimeerkat]

bless your heart. i completely understand the hurt & frustration you must feel at the implication of you being ‘abusive’.  if i had anyone tell me that when i was living my own nightmare it would have done even more damage to my mental health.  we always hope that whoever we turn to for help & support will have enough knowledge of abusive relationships & therefore know that we are only reacting to how we are being treated

it would be a different story if you were extremely insecure so continually doubting &/or trying to control your partner when there was absolutely no reason for you to feel/be this way.  perhaps then your behaviour would appear unreasonable & if it was damaging your relationship you would want to get the help you needed

we can become someone we dont recognize or even like when trying to cling on to these toxic relationships.  after being deceived & lied to as much as we have its only natural that any trust in our partners is zero. and the whole point of them lying/deceiving/duping/gaslighting us etc is to keep us totally off balance & therefore appearing to be the ‘unstable’ ones – their way of ‘proving’ that we are the problem.  and sadly a lot of the time they achieve this

i was deeply trauma bonded to my ex.  i also had all the love bombing.  but this didnt stop me from getting out of my relationship – because i couldnt continue living with such anxiety due to the trust my partner had deliberately destroyed x

 

[Itsnotmyfault]

So i had to kick my abusive ex out of the house i created for us ti start a new life and he was abusive from the start to end and i was also deep trauma bonded i wnated to stay as i loved him until he got jealous over me messaging a friend who was an ex and it was nothing i told him about it and he the  got so bitter he sent me abuse over text and i get home i try to appease the man with (detail removed by moderator) ffs and he destroyed them and spat on me (detail removed by moderator) and then said (detail removed by moderator) and wnated to do what he wanted awhich he was pressing all of my wounds to get back at me and uses things  i tell him in vunerability and he uses it violtile and aggressive way to punish me for disrepscting him by being honest about him adding me i did cross a boundary but i said i will move with you

if u cheat i wont move anywhere with hou and i was like u cheat we are done and he said ok in the end i knew it was the inly weekend hes ever had away from me and he ignored me calls i slept in our bed alone and he came back (detail removed by moderator) and i had a std check so i knew i was clean way before and he knew i suffered recurrent (detail removed by moderator) because of ever since i met him  and after that he comes hime says he thinks he has (detail removed by moderator) and i get tested and it proves he cheated on me i knew he looked guilty i should have pressed it more but i couldnt be arsed the blaming panto when i knew he had and i got meds for it and then it was fine he cotinued to flirt with my friends and the minute he cheated he became more disrespectful towards me and i started fearing for my safety and dreading him coming home

Then he has a paychtoic episode drunk and it was like a wild demon started witth confusion and breaking the house trying  to kill himself  i was trying to save him from himself but then he would turn in me i had to ring the police as i didnt know if he would ever snap out of it but he (detail removed by moderator) after i wiuldnt guve him (detail removed by moderator) and he drive off and he didnt get sreaeted of a driving ban and i had to leave the house he tried love bombing apologising he spent months gaslighting me and i kept pestering him i wiuld not let it go and he wiuld not own his s**t and i duno if that caused the episode

I had to leave as my body has been ill getting (detail removed by moderator) issues from stress and mad fight or flight anxiety complete dissonance to the trauma and blanking it out in purpose but hearing the deep cry for help inside sayin u need to save yourself be one step ahead. i was lucky im safe im out im recovering but im so angry now and i finally seee what it was all for but why put myself through any more of that experience it does break my heart that it was toxic cos there was so much that was good about it and the connection and everything we had but trust and selfish impulse let us down and the fact he cant control his abusive behaviours and i actually believed he didnt have control over his actions i now know its only behind closed doors he does f*****g know what hes doing the whole time

fear and control he used me for money everything i had conviene im sure he did lvoe me but u do not abuse people discard them like toys be an a******e and expect to keep all the nice things u have

what a low life

 

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