Now my family are defending him

[Stuck here]

This could be quite long winded. I’ve been with my partner for a few years now and everything started out lovely. Once we moved in together things changed. Things a would wear became an ongoing issue, I’d wear make up for others but never for him. I choose everyone else over him, I’m never around enough, I don’t text enough, I don’t answer my phone when he rings. It’s a never ending list of problems and once I think I’ve fixed one then something else comes up. He’s never told me I can’t go anywhere or can’t do anything but I’m always made to feel horrible if I do those things. He’s threw furniture and stuff at the walls, smashed plates and punched doors when we’ve been fighting. I’ve left a few times but nothing ever sticks, and he always threatens to harm himself when I leave. I was always so fun loving and outgoing and I see nothing of my former self in me anymore. Now I just go through life day to day. I could check my phone in work and find 20 missed calls from him and a message about how sad he is that I’m ignoring him and how I don’t want him. I listen to him tell me all day how much I upset him and how all he wants is my love, it’s exhausting. If I snap I’m told I’m the selfish one and that I’m nasty. Now my family are taking his side, they agree that I’m selfish and that he’s insecure, they don’t want to listen to my problems with him anymore. And I feel a little lost and alone. He’s been better the past few months but I can’t get the things he’s done out of my head. There was an instance of sexual abuse that I’ve put behind me (I think). But so much other stuff that I couldn’t even begin to explain how he’s made me feel. I went round to a friends house on (removed by moderator) because I hadn’t seen her in (removed by moderator) and I’m still hearing about it to this day how I chose her over him and I left him and he’ll never get over it. I just always feel that I can’t say or do what I would like without being deemed nasty or horrible. I’ve probably come across so wrong in all of this, but I genuinely don’t know anymore if I am the problem. I tried to so hard to be everything he wanted in the beginning and I still try and keep him happy but nothing I ever do is right.

[BlueJeans]

I recognise myself in you, Stuck Here. I am struggling with over-thinking what other people think. It is frustrating, but you have to remember that they are not living life in your shoes. It sounds like you just ‘know’ things aren’t right. He sounds like a right piece of work, and you know of course that it is not reasonable to live with someone who punches walls and throws things, never mind the constant questioning over your clothes and makeup, and who you see and when. Also, interestingly, it sounds like that everyday erosion of who you are, in some ways is worse than the throwing and the temper in terms of your state of mind. In terms of actually ‘stopping’ you from doing x, y or z – I have been reflecting on this myself. My husband didn’t physically ‘stop’ me from going back to work in recent years – but he created a life where it would have been very difficult, and experience showed me that if I did something he didn’t like – I would pay. I would suspect that every person on this forum can relate to what you mean. There’s more than one way to stop someone from doing something – and using fear is what they do, I think.

For now, it must be painful to see your family – your allies – from defending him. Don’t forget, they’re probably not seeing the ‘real’ him – they are seeing the veneer. The veneer is the person you fell in love with and moved in with. The real him is the person you experience. They are possibly also frustrated. My family and friends grew very frustrated with every year that passed and I couldn’t leave him. In the end – those that matter will be there for you, no matter what. Good luck.

[Iwantmeback]

I so recognise my life with my ex too.even up to the bit not stopping me from going out but they, through actions, going in the huff, screaming at you when they pick you up, they say they’re coming to pick you up you should be waiting outside for them not keep them waiting, having sex before you go out, so you know your his or marking your neck so others know, never mind you’re wearing an effing ring, which of course you take of cos he knows these things, to smelling your underwear to make sure when you get back. Oh lord where did that come from??? Yes previous situation with him definitely ‘train’ you into no longer doing things fir you. 😪
They are very good at getting our friends and family on board, he just has to listen, pick up key words and there you go, instant flying monkeys. Also as said, he only does them mr. Nice guy, saves ba..ardface just fir you unless he’s a total n**c.

[Stuck here]

Thank you both for taking the time to reply. It makes me feel a little less crazy as I genuinely feel like a fraud posting on here. I know others have it so much worse than me. I can definitely relate to the underwear checking!! There’s a lot of stuff I called him out on a few months ago and now I wish I hadn’t, he seems to have just changed tactics to be so much more subtle. Now I constantly seem like the horrible person that goes out of my way to hurt him and he does nothing wrong! They can make you feel so guilty for such everyday things. I’d know better than to suggest a last minute coffee date with friends as I’d have ruined his plans (there wouldn’t be any plans) and he’d be upset and moody the rest of the night. I can’t thank you both enough you’ve made me feel a little less insane and maybe there’s hope to get the old me back!

[Iwantmeback]

You will get you back, you’re already on that path right now. My ex recently did the exact same thing he’s always done when we were together. I did something with a family member, before covid19 obviously 😏. His reaction but I’d planned something with you, and promptly cut the call short but not before saying we had to talk. Which then as usual left me sick to my stomach unable to really be in the moment with family member, sound familiar. He’s played that card quite a few times. Now it’s water off a duck’s back, but he can still instill that panic of being ‘found out’.
IWMB 💞💞

[Author]

Posts