This topic contains 14 replies, has 7 voices, and was last updated by  fridges 1 month ago.

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  • #75843
     fizzylem 
    Participant

    We’ve all heard the phrase ‘Gentlemen prefer blondes’ yes. My ex is with someone who has blonde hair now, I have blonde hair and the woman he was with before is blonde. It feels a bit odd or is it me, am I analysing when there is no analysis to do here?

    Is this just a coincidence? Or does his woman have to be blonde? Is this his fantasy? Could this be an inidicator that he objectifies women? As he has only gone for blonde women. It seems to fit the rest of his profile, maybe in isolation if this happens a few times it is coincidence? Maybe when there are other indicators this could be one of them?

    Is it ok to even have a type? And if not, why does ‘do you have a type?’ still seem like a fair question to ask on a first date?

    What do you think?

  • #75853
     freedomtochoose 
    Participant

    One good reason to go brunette.
    sorry to sound flippant.
    yes, I do think this is how some guys think.

    Lately, for the first time in my life I have really aimed at dressing down, almost scruffy
    cos im fed up with the untoward attention…

    sorry to sound so cynical
    best
    ftc
    x

    • #75859
       fizzylem 
      Participant

      Lol good idea FTC!

      DM, I think he hates women and hates himself for needing one; his mum abandoned him when he was small and he was raised by his father, well, not really raised, given food and a roof would be more accurate. His father outwardly always said women are trouble, he never had another relationship with a women after my ex’s mum left, but he did used to tell him (detail removed by moderator); so this is what he grew up with – women are just for sex. I do know he admired his dad a great deal, but clearly he was not the best kind of role model.

      Women seem to be unworthy of respect in his eyes, only men can be equals because they get it – whatever it is – his friends seem to be the same – mad in this day and age and yet they all get away with it. One of them sleeps with prostitutes behind his wifes back and brags about it.

      It all seems so very clear to me now. It went from bad to worse when I started to stand up for myself – disagree, argue that there is no real intimacy. When I was a good little wifey, working to make him happy, all was well – for him anyway. He really did not seem to understand at all that we give to our relationships – this was completely missing. Yet he did know that if he was open about his motives and what he really thought he’d be out on his ear and life is easier and cushioned with a good woman hey, especially when he fancies her and he is getting sex. It’s horrid to think and see him like this but now I’ve peeled it back I can honestly say I know I meant nothing more to him than this.

    • #76041
       fridges 
      Participant

      Right now to me, it sounds ridiculous when a man throws such words. It is objectifying. One of the similar words ‘Men would be men” finding very repulsive as well. No, thanks do not want to be with someone, who thinks this way.
      One of my abusers – had the thing – he will go only for women who are under 30 years old. When you get closer to 30, you are an old, unwanted good, which passed the date. How disgusting is that?
      And he will be with the women until this age only.

  • #75855
     [email protected] 
    Participant

    To objectify can mean that these guys don’t see women as ‘human’ that gives them the view that they can treat them how ever they please. This happens in alot of areas like the elderly or in examples like in anti-Semitism when people dehumanise people they can abuse them with no shame and remorse -they don’t take any responsibility for there actions xx 💕 💕

  • #75861
     lover of no contact 
    Participant

    yep we are just ‘appliances’ to them. That’s according to an abuser himself who writes about what abusers are like. We are their ‘fuel’ to get their ‘power buzz’.

    But my mother was an abuser and my dad was her appliance. My many female work-colleagues are abusers and deceive and ‘play the abuser -games’ with the empathy male work colleagues.

    So it can be either sex. Its whether they have empathy or not.

    • #75863
       fizzylem 
      Participant

      Same LONC, and I think that’s why I tolerated it for so long, because my mum was the same, emotionally devoid, unavailable, critical and abusive, so I think I accepted this is just my place in life.

      Zero empathy for others yes – he had none – this would def be a red flag for me now, I will actively ask questions to establish the level of empathy in any new relationship for sure. Guess when I met him this just wasnt something I saw as being important then, I just thought he had a bit of a sick sense of humour, saw the c**p in the world and in everything.

  • #75865
     Iwantmeback 
    Participant

    It’s not just about having a type, these men have been brought up on a diet of porn ans saying stories and women are only good for one thing since forever. How many decades have we had the ‘er indoors’ jokes.how many movies and tv programmes shows the little woman as a downtrodden housewife, with bairns hanging off her while hubby’s out playing Jack the lad.or the candy on his arm. Thankfully the movie industry is changing, were having female lead roles, female directors, editors. The #Suffragettes fought and died for equality and the right to vote, we are still fighting inequality in the workforce and with the advent of the internet, porn is available 24/7. While women are still being objectified and we have women saying ‘well I’m in control’ meanwhile trying to breaking the record for how many guys she’s can have at one time and they truly believe they are in [email protected]#$¿☆. Sorry, sorry I went a bit off track there.
    IWMB 💕🍀

  • #75868
     Fudgecake 
    Participant

    I agree IWMB, it will take along time to change men’s attitudes to women. It’s been thousands of years where women have played the subservient role. Man go off to hunt, man bring bacon home then man does naff all else to help…Not much has changed really. Oh wait…some of them don’t even bring any bacon home at all now. And if they do find an independent woman they sponge off her and take advantage of her good nature. And I’m sure they secretly despise her for doing that.

    I’m not saying all men are like that. And I’m not saying that women don’t exploit their partners either. It’s just the traditional roles have been set in stone for thousands of years – it’s going to take a big hammer to break that stone. Perhaps one day we will all be truly equal and get equal respect.

  • #75879
     freedomtochoose 
    Participant

    This is an important thread. Me, I went to feminist consciousness raising groups (as we called them in those days…in the eighties). I’ve got an interesting dynamic with my teen, as they are fervently feminist, and very much aware of all the changing role models in the movies etc and modern day liberation movements such as the one demanding free sanitary products and tackling period poverty. We may disagree about many things, but it occurred to me, that isn’t one of them, in fact I know I have a tendency to discount the positives, but I feel it is to be cherished that amongst the hardships I/we have been through, there is this line of unbroken communication across the decades on this one in our household.

    And still, in my life, I managed to get involved in (more than one) abusive relationship. And suffered many losses – I explain it to myself that I came across a different kind of abuser, one who ‘talked the talk’ about progressive politics, one who I thought was an ally, believed the same things I did – etc.

    I was wrong. If I am to be involved in those things again, I would definitely only want to do so with women.

    I think the challenges nowadays which we ‘suffragettes’ are facing are sharp and intensified. I try to foster an awareness with my daughter of the ‘battles’ we have faced as women’s movements throughout history.

    I have found films helpful with strong female leads. I know that women like us have carved our own place in history, sometimes quietly, throughout history, but when I am at home facing the grind of housework/making ends meet etc it is easy to feel I am on my own. Even where we live, I try to remember the ghosts of women who lived here before. In the fifities things were retrograde for many women as they ‘returned’ to the home…they must have gone out to hang the washing out together and analyse the world.

    We women are divided by many things, potentially and abusive men are one of these things. I can think of even friendships I have had with women which were severed by my marriage, and then by the fact that I was too scared to discuss what I had been through – and so didn’t contact them.

    All we can do, which is a strong thing, and a good thing, is to post on here and find the strength together to move forward.

    Amongst the films I have liked lately, are on Netflix most beautiful thing which is set in fifties rio …won’t do spoilers but strong female leads,

    also, sad but ‘the zookeepers wife’…

    I also very much like ‘the syndicate’ with Lennie Henry and strong female leads
    also – ‘babd’ about barbara Windsor…(has been objectified herself…)

    Sounds like I sit on my ‘bxxt’ all day bingeing Netflix doesn’t it. Guess on occasion I do, but find it hard to relax and sometimes really hard to go out and right now have a time without child care so it helps me through…

    all best
    ftc
    x

    • #75910
       Iwantmeback 
      Participant

      I read recently that they are starting to give out free sanitary products in Welsh schools now too😄 one of the churches i go into also has a free supply, i think that’s amazing. My dad has said for years they should be free to all women considering what we go through plus contraception is free. Scotgov’s vision is for them to be free throughout the world, the way things are going I think that will become reality soon enough😄

  • #75881
     freedomtochoose 
    Participant

    Just realiased, of course the film ‘babs’ about barbara Windsor is about her story,
    which is the story of a blonde woman who redefined the notion. Maybe I’ve changed my mind about going brunette…why should we change to suit ‘them’?
    all best
    ftc
    x

  • #75899
     Iwantmeback 
    Participant

    Thank you ftc, what a brilliantly written strong post. Our daughters are more aware than we were, and that’s the way it should be, still doesn’t stop us falling for the wrong one but what we learn we pass on.

    Blessings to all
    IWMB 💕💕

  • #75905
     fizzylem 
    Participant

    Well said ladies! I want to teach my daughter to trust her gut feeling, dont make emotional decisions, it also has to make sound, logical sense. Always stand in your truth; finding the words even when this feels hard to do is always best. Use your integrity to guide you as it rarely if ever lets you down. Pick your battles and only choose those you think you have a good chance of winning, put the rest aside. Be mindful of toxic energies, choose who you spend time with, be with those who make you smile and those who love and support you, see and treasure you – its absolutely ok to walk away from any relationship, and you can do this and remain kind and respectful. Be your best self; do what you love. Always listen to your inner voice, always give yourself what it is you need. Compassion.

    I’d better c***k on! Not much time left and so much to cover lol x

  • #75946
     freedomtochoose 
    Participant

    oh, brill posts, will read this thread again.
    And brill about the Scotgov stuff and Wales…

    Let’s hope the political ‘tide’ here will be turning soon.

    ftc
    x

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