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Ahh im just furious today! I have put up with so much rubbish and so many put downs and im so tired of it. Last night i was called all sorts including a scruffy b***h and a dirty cow.. its not always whats said its how its said thats awful too and makes you feel so lousy! This morning when i questioned if he believes its ok to say these things he denied it.. im just gobsmacked that he would point blank deny saying stuff to me when it was just me and him in the room! He is trying to make me think im going crazy.. he literally has me questioning myself yet I wrote it down straight away because after years of this I have started to think im going loopy and even though its infront of me i still think have i made it up! He continued to be soo obnoxious and rude and in a zone where I can not communicate at all with him all morning! I have literally been a mess and ended up now my little boy is off school because Im in too much of a state and he has just gone on his merry way! I literally do not know what to do anymore i feel like im loosing my mind!
So sorry to blab i just needed to vent and get it out of me and I have no one to talk to or go to! Sorry
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And i ask him to leave.. tell him im packing his things this morning because I have had enough and his response is…
All i ask is x and x of you.. thats all i dont ask for much and surely you want to make everybody happier and thats all you have to do etc…
I just think that i should have to put up with so much grief continuously and be told thats what i have to do to make him be happy or basically i am going to get grief.. it has me on egg shells all day and night worried if i dont do what he wants i will have his mood swings to deal with and his cripplling comments 🙁
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Hi Justfedup
Yes it’s good to write it down. My ex didn’t deny calling me names as he would say there was nothing wrong in a bit of name calling in frustration I was just over sensitive! But he denied other things. I still find myself wondering if I am imagining things that happened or if I’m over analysing his behaviour, being unfair. Which is crazy when I read what he’s done or said or when I think of the effects on me. If you feel crazy today try and look after yourself and then you’ll be stronger later or tomorrow. Have you thought about getting out/away from him? -
I missed your second post
That is what mine did.
He threatened to leave if I didn’t apologise for things that were an impulsive reaction to how I was treated. When I refused he left but it was my fault I wouldn’t roll over to make him happy
Then he offers something but wants me to compromise my values or peace of mind etc in return and then says I’m unreasonable or ungrateful for not accepting his wonderful offer! You need to get out this will make you/is making you ill. -
I have for a long time. This has been going on years him pulling me to bits, calling me names and crazy and also he picks on our son which I hate.. it just seems he doesnt go.. like today he has back tracked but still putting it on me like im the one whos wrong for not doing the things he wants that will make him hsppy so its me thats at fault.. im literally to blame in some way for EVERYTHING that happens negative.. its always me.. he is so unfair and im so anxious all of the time. I think its worse atm because i recently started talking to girl i went to school with and up until that point I had no body and I dont think he likes that i have a friend so his obnoxious side is flaring where he calls me names and puts me down making me feel stupid and worthless and c****y! He is so huffy and sulky like a teenager I feel like my young son is more emotionally mature than he is!
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Do read about effects of this type of man and separation effect on children though. I was not prepared for him taking the children as I didn’t realise how calculated his behaviour was or how he could fool others and the children, and there are things you can do to protect from this before you leave or push him out.
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Your 2nd message is EXACTLY what he does.. the rolling over and compromise doing what he says will make him happy and in turn the whole family will benefit.. all i have to do is what he says which “isnt much to ask really” its so unfair thats put on me.. it should be a mutual thing shouldnt it.. he thinks his opinion is the only one and anybody else who dares to have one is stupid and doesnt count.. he defo brings up the work things a lot too tbat he goes out to work and insinuates im the inferior party because i dont (volunteer pt snd look after son)… its just so hard!
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Oh really? This scares me so much.. its one of the main reasons i have tried to keep things together so long.. im so afraid of my son having to be in his care.. they dont get along at all.. he antagonises my son just like he does me.. reduces him to tears and iv took over since the day he was born because he just looses his temper to quickly. I barely ever leave them together at all.. in the evening an hour is too much before theyr arguing and fighting its so frustrating.. to be honest i dont think he would try to take him full time because he cant be bothered with him for an hour most of the time but it scares the hell out of me that i wouldnt be there to lrotect him on the days times he would have access! He tells him that he isnt normal for not doing what he expects of him and theres something wrong with him etc.. i have to stand in and protect and i feel like id be failing by not being there to do that! X
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I was a wreck I couldn’t make decisions, I felt I couldn’t do anything right. I was anxious about simple things like shopping. I couldn’t justify time or money spent for friends and extended family or myself or the children because I had to focus on his needs all the time. Even my work became about what he wanted not what I wanted. Getting out was the best thing I ever did even though I’ve lost my children …. That sounds bad of course I want them back but it’s a result of his behaviour not of mine and the way things were they were barriered from me anyway. And people keep telling me they will come back.
I’m holding my own financially at the moment but still won’t regret leaving if he takes that too. I’m getting myself back and I love it. -
Get advice on your child. Mine are old enough to decide so he has manipulated them. I thought they would decide shared care but they’ve gone to him.
It sounds your child is younger so Will be different to me. Get lots of advice and plan. I planned for support and money but assumed the children would just ride along with it. i wish I knew then what I know now. -
Ahh you have been so strong and re building your own life to get the strength you need to rebuild relationships with your children and you are right they will one day come back and see the reality of what you went through with him and what he is really like it must be so hard though! I feel quite lucky in comparison because he knows he couldnt look after our son he cant even do it for a couple hours! It is hard to get out though, i feel so rubbish about myself it scares me but also whenever it comes around he doesnt go.. and he will make it sound like im destroying our family because i wont do something so simple to make him happy and in turn everybody else.. its a viscous circle! X
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Where do i go for advice for the children part.. thats he hard part i dont have any support around me.. it doesnt scare me single parenting etc its just he has got his mum (a ehol other story!) And money behind and i know that will be a big fight! Ah man im so fed up! They are both narcasistic.. thats a good word for them.
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Also i recentlt started volunteering locally and coupled with me making friends i think he sees me regaining my independance and building support and building a life thats not based around him.. im assuming thats whats causing the more recent outbursts but i always find reason to justify even though i know even those reasons are stupid! X
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It’s harder if you keep worrying about what others think in order to validate your choices. Keep posting and reading and believe that anyone who takes his side is not worth holding on to either. Those who love you and those on here will believe in you.
Read “why does he do that” by Lundy Bancroft and speak to WA helpline and your GP they can signpost you to organisations who can advise you in your area. -
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Just take your child and go into a refuge and stop all communication with the abuser. If he wants to see his child he will have to go through the court and the refuge workers will make sure that you are supported and that he is properly assessed in HIS parenting skills.
Don’t tell him you are going. Do a safety plan with women’s aid and then just disappear take the most important or sentimental things and go.
He won’t know what hit him and he won’t be able to harass you either. turn your phone off and get a new one or only turn it on with your refuge support worker so she can here all of his harassing messages and write them down for her court report.
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