Officially hit rock bottom

[Shelly123]

I havent been on for ages as I have been trying to concentrate on bringing up baby. The abuse is still continuing i am at rock bottom i just dont know what to do. He is in a new relationship which im glad for as hopefully he will leave me alone but he is trying to rub it in my face at every oppourtuinty i had not spoken to him for weeks as i needed time away from the emotional torture. Everyone guilt tripped me into letting back in my life so he can see the bAby he is making out like im evil to everyone and that i was just sex and i fell pregnabt that doesn’t bother me that he is saying that but why do people feel the need to tell you and keep bringing it up?! Im just at my wits end when he picks up or drops baby off he is just abusive the things he calls me is disgusting. I just feel like im failing my baby my head is all over. Why did i even bring my child into all of this? I dont even know where to go for help my child is 100% happy and well cared for im just lost with what to do for the best.

[Confused123]

HI Hun

Sending u hug first, u did the right thing comming here for support, i would advise you first to call the help line to see how they can guide you, have you spoken to yo0ur health visitor about how he is making u feel, i presume he is not living with u but just making inn appropriate comments, if this is the case could the passover be done by a third party. As for igronant people who find it amusing to hurt someone feeling by telling them what your ex is sssaying , i would just say to them next time, his not with me no more so please dont tell me what his doing and what his saying about me as i’m not with him, then tended to work for me . Have you got any support around u, i knewo its hard to hear rumours but the truth always comes out in end, also neveer let anyone pressure u to having contact with him , u nknowi how he makes u feel, put yourself first and try and show him no reaction thats what his after, look after yourself

[Shelly123]

Thanks for your reply. We tried handover through third party but they couldnt always be available which is why he has been up to the house to drop baby off. I try not to react. Will contact my health visitor and see what she says.

[DinkyDoo]

Hi confused123,
I am so sorry for what you are going through. It sounds like you are having a really tough time. I am feeling the same at the moment so i just wanted to say hi and that there are people out there that can support you like the helpline. I don’t know what I would do without the support I am getting from Woman’s Aid. They are truly wonderful ladies and I never imagined just how much support they have given me and how a chat over the phone can pick you up and point you back in the right direction. Perhaps put baby to bed tonight and pick up the phone. It might be hard at first but they really work to empower you.
It sounds like you’re doing a fab job on your own with your happy little one so be proud of yourself as being a mum and looking after a baby is so hard. As easy as it is for me to say and as hard as it is to do, don’t be dragged back down by him and others. He and they have had enough of your time now. Be strong. Move on. Speak up. x*x

[Peaceful Pig]

I agree, let people know the effect this is having on you, your GP, your health visitor. If it’s affecting you it will be affecting your baby’s well-being and you have every right, indeed a responsibility, to put this first. Contact your local womens aid outreach service who can assign you an outreach worker to support you. You don’t have to allow contact if it’s abusive. Get any evidence of this you safely can. It’s so hard with no third party but my children are older so we can handover from a slightly safer distance. You can feel so vulnerable with a new baby, feeling tired and gaining confidence as a parent, it’s overwhelming enough with a non-abusive partner. You don’t deserve to put up with abuse as well. Please don’t suffer in silence and maybe steer clear of those that pressured you into letting him see your little one. Clearly this isn’t his priority, getting to you is xx

[Shelly123]

Thank you so much for your replys i feel much better this evening. I will be booking an appointment with my gp i will try pluck up the confidence to ring the helpline. I have a bit of evedience but because i reacted to it at first they may see me as being in the wrong. I under no circumstances react anymore i just close the door but it still affects me x

[fizzylem]

I can relate so much to this – the terror of it, the manipulation with the perceptions in others to gain support for his terrible actions – which only keeps the abuse going. I used to think that because he is the father of my child I need will always need to have some form of contact with him, it makes it better for my child if I do. I was wrong. I have realised it is not possible to have any form of communication with him as he will only use this to abuse me. You are right, you can only focus on your child and you at the moment, what use are you going to be to your baby if you become so ill you end up unable to mother. Put him out today; cut all contact. It sounds to me that you need some space. If you could get to a place where you accept you can not – nor do you have to deal with this man things will start to get better. You can work out the access later down the line. Ring womens aid, talk to professionals and gain support for the women on the forum. Friends and family do not really understand, they advise you with a number assumptions that simply do not apply here. Your help will come from a number of other agencies. You can put a stop to this and the first step is saying you don’t have to put up with it for access. Do some reading around trauma bonds – it will help you to see how and why you are hooked in x

[Shelly123]

Thank you i have taken time to read around trauma bonds and i definatly think it applys to me.

[KIP.]

Hi Shelly, just wanted to add you can record everything when he drops baby off. Keep a mobile or device hidden. Say nothing and just record his abuse. You can then get a non molestation order, keeping him away. Speak to a solicitor about this. Most offer free initial advice. Then it’s upto him. To arrange handover through third party. Don’t put up with his nonsense. You don’t have to. You have a right to choose who you allow into your life. Women’s aid are a fantastic resource. They won’t pressure you into anything but have a wealth of knowledge. Stay strong and set boundaries and stick to them. Start as you mean to go on.

[Shelly123]

Thanks Kip, we were doing pick up/drop off between a third party but they couldnt do some of the times which is why he has had to drop her back to me. I have a diary of any contact we have i have also asked him for set days as he can see her (detail removed by moderator). I saw him yesterday but he was ok as people were there he just does it when no one is around. Im just fed up and need to pull myself out of this hole. I feel awful for bringing my baby into this.

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