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It has struck me that my ex may have got back together with his ex wife and that is the reason that he acted so nastily towards me and then dropped me completely. A few things that he said when we were together made me think he still kept in contact with members of her family after we had split. Their decree nisi was on his bedroom floor when I first met him allthough he told me that they had split (detail removed by Moderator) years before, I think their divorced was only finalized about a (detail removed by Moderator) before him & I got together. He called me her name a few times, even after we had been together for quite a while. For the first time since he and I split I had done a bit of Facebook snooping. She was engaged to someone else, i saw that announcment about (detail removed by Moderator) months ago on her FB page. I can see now that her FB profile has been removed. I looked at her fiances FB profile as I knew his name and there is no mention of her on there, before there were recent pictures of the two of them together and she was one of his FB friends. When we were together he broadcasted to all and sundry on FB how much in love with me he were and put pictures of us all over FB. On reflection I think that he may have done this to wind her up, in case she were ever looking at his page. That said to me that he wasn’t over her. During the time that he & I were together he painted a picture of such an awful destructive relationship which made him really unhappy and brought him down, I would have been surprised if they did get back together. I would really like to know though. I could do even more FB snooping but I dont want to open up a can of worms as I will feel really hurt. I feel hurt anyway, that I were just used throughout our time together as a weapon to get back at his ex wife who he now may have got back together with. Again i come back to the fact that the relationship was really destructive, he told me that, there was a lot of money involved that he owed her and her family, none of his family liked her. He told me when we were together and for once I believed him how happy he were to get rid of her and how unsuited they were. I guess this is another chapter in this whole sorry mess that I am going to have to mentally work through, I should feel better tomorrow.
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“Dependency may appear to be love because it is a force that causes people to fiercely attach themselves to one another. But in actuality it is not love; it is a form of antilove. It has its genesis in a parental failure to love and it perpetuates the failure. It seeks to receive rather than to give. It nourishes infantilism rather than growth. It works to trap and constrict rather than to liberate. Ultimately it destroys rather than builds relationships, and it destroys rather than builds people.” M Scott Peck.
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Hi HA,
Getting over their abuse is like gradually peeling back layers of an onion.
Our minds can’t cope with too much at once, so I think we ration ourselves reality,dealing with things bit by bit.
Your fears might be unfounded, but if it is true, then this only shows how he is like a lot of abusers, using people for his own ends and not respecting them as individuals. It was wrong of him to string you along and mistreat you how he has.
I think it might help you to see that the problem isn’t his ex- who I am sure he mistreated.
Abusers go through life like that: booking people, mistreating and using them, dropping them, hurting them, wrecking them- and then going back and hoovering them back up again!
Poor lady, if she had fallen victim again!Some people are so cruel and unstable, they will create chaos and hurt in others’ lives- always.
You need to celebrate the fact you got away from him. You were very hurt by him: thank God he wasn’t able to do more damage.
Find peace with good people. Leave these destructive abusers to destroy themselves.
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Thankyou Serenity, i’m so grateful for your comments. I will admit that this has quite hurt me. I have been doing exceptionally well, more of less over him and through the trauma bonding of the last four months, I have felt great and that I have got my life back. But this has really quite hurt me. You are right, its another part of the process that I have to work through. I hope that you are ok Serneity, how are things with your boys and your ex?
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Its normal to trust people and to believe what our abusers tell us. We didn’t realize that their declarations of love were a lie. How could we have known. We are loving people. We don’t think like the abuser. So we could never have fathomed that they had ulterior motives. That lies trip off their tongues so easily. Lying is second nature to them. We didn’t believe for a minute that our abusers would tell us what they know we wanted to hear (in the love-bombing) phase, so they could use us for their own ends.
We were just very unlucky that an abuser came across our path. They are poison and everything they touch is hurt and damaged in some way. But they have to live with themselves for the rest of their lives. At least we got away from them, their deceitful, lying, back-stabbing, selfish, self-serving, arrogant, grandiose and greedy selves. They can never escape from themselves.
We have been deceived, yes. We have had the wool pulled over our eyes. yes. We have been used, yes..financially, sexually, physically, emotionally and mentally, yes. We have fallen foul of criminals. It is not our fault. We were just unlucky and they saw our good, kind and forgiving natures and thought we’d be trusting targets.
But in the end we win. We are still good, despite being abused. We can still care.. despite having been abused. We can still joke and see humour in things.. despite having been victimized. We can still love.. our animals, other people…despite being abused. We can eventually heal and go on to live lives free of abusers (despite having been abused).
This too will pass.
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These thoughts are so strong aren’t they…..I have contacted him twice and he is no different, he only left on Tuesday and there was not one bit of emotion, 40 years and no emotion…..and he was shocked when I said I wanted the key back……he seems to have lost all emphatic response and no longer has a conscience!!
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Dear Lonc, thanks very much for this really positive post. I’m ok, just a had a brief moment of nostalgia and reminiscing last night, it passed. All what you wrote about in the end we win. This is something that I said in a post to Serenity lately. Ever since we split and really when we were together too, not once did I doubt that In the end I would win and he would lose, once i’m over the nasty trauma bonding. I remember back to my first date with him, I turned up bright eyed & bushy tailed, more or less happy with myself and my lot. He turned up, firstly late which I thought i was quite rude. He looked a bit scruffy and looked a bit grim. I remember before that date i wanted to cancel it. I kept a journal at that time and I was recording my feelings about him. I wrote that I had met this person and didn’t feel right about him, he was too intense. I wanted to cancel our first date as I didn’t feel comfortable about him, but i felt obliged (he was using mind games on me before we had even met), as he had brought tickets. But I knew that I would come out on top and he would lose. He like you say is left with his personality flaws and I have what I had when I first met him and what I brought into our relationship, kindness and a good and honest heart. X*X
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I made the decision a couple of weeks ago to never look at his ex wife’s or her fiances FB profiles again, it is way too dangerous to do that. I suspect he may have got back with her whilst he and i were still togethere but I’d rather not know, it doesn’t change the fact that he treated me like dirt and i wont stand for that. I ended it with him due to his nasty behaviour, i guess if he did get back with her that is neither here nor there.
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