Oh my gosh i have to vent …

[abcxyz]

Quick one …. for those who very kindly read other post (where mother in law had suggested couples counselling) … she must have said something to him.

He started all over again (removed by moderator), first apologising for getting cross with the kids the other day (the nice bit). Then asking if I love him, and do I fancy him, and when I said that I did both of those, but not as much attraction as before due to all the shouting of the last few months, I got the “not that again” …. and then a flood of comments about how I am depressed (really, I am not – I’m very content apart from the obvious), about how I should see a counsellor (and he can come with me) to “fix me”, as I’m “not right”. I just stayed quiet and gave the minimum of info about what I’m finding hard. Examples I gave were thrown back as “not being proper examples” and (detail removed by moderator) Crazy making in the extreme. I can’t get my point across as I’m made to feel that it is totally ridiculous, and then feel belittled and can’t get my point across anyway. Arrrrrrggggghhhhhhhhh.

[Healthyarchive]

Dear abcxyz, they love to blame it takes them completely off the hook. Its comfortable for them isnt it, to put all of the problems on someone else’s shoulders. I felt like a psychological wreck when I was with my ex, he would find a fault and then blow it up bigger than it really was. I ended up feeling so deranged due to his blame, I was reading all sorts of self help books and paying out huge amounts of money so that I could fix myself. All the while i was just not clued up on looking after myself & naive about relaitonships, none of the seriously heavy stuff he was putting on my shoulders. X*X

[abcxyz]

Exactly. …plus if he just stopped dragging it up and blaming me for being “odd” the wounds might have a chance to heal! Don’t think he likes not being in control of my feelings. Apparently I have “always been a bit cold” bit now “I’m off the scale”. Words of a charmer !?!?! Never mind a month ago i was being called every name under the sun! Now to wake him from the sofa. …

[Healthyarchive]

Hmmm, this is all so familiar. I was started to find when I was with my ex generally these were my emotions & behaviour: Severe off the scale anxiety and insecurity; mistrust; doubt; jealousy; fear; not good enough; robbed; I had night terrors where I would wake up with ripped sheets and scratches on my face

My emotions and behaviours post split: calmer deeper breathing; greater concentration; focus on the future; better quality sleep; optimistic; confused sometimes about him

You can see where i’m going. I dont feel like a mentally deranged crazy psychopath anymore like I was led to believe that i were. Funny that. X*X

[abcxyz]

Isn’t it just!!!! I will go and see someone but no way I’m telling him ..It will be for me to clarify whether what I’m feeling is fair and justified or whether I deserve any of this negativity on my shoulders. Thank you so much for your support. ..it really helps xx

[Healthyarchive]

You are welcome, good luck. I really like the covert emotional abuse books, they give you a lot of understanding. The Devils Toolkit by HG Tudor is good, as is 30 Covert Manipulation Tactics in Personal Relationships, both free to read on Amazon X*X

[abcxyz]

Brilliant – thank you. I had read some of the HG Tudor blog stuff but will take a look at those too xx

[Serenity]

They will try to make out you are the crazy one when you’re going too near the truth of who they really are.

Abusers don’t want a relationship with someone who calls them up on their behaviour and tells them when they are being abusive/ unkind. They want someone who will let them behave however they fancy- or as their weakness or twistedness dictates- and who will still adore them and take all the blame.

My ex raked up the post-natal time when I was very emotional due to his callousness, tried to make out to Cafcass that I must have a mental issue; he told me my eldest son needed and historian when he was younger, because my son was upset about how he was being treated. I could go on, the list is endless.

They don’t like you having independent thoughts and opinions and try to crush this, by trying to make you feel all your thoughts are proof of your own issues, but it’s all pure
projection. Them letting themselves off the hook.

I remember at the Pattern Changing course that they mentioned how an abuser will call you frigid or say you have issues of you stop doing what they want sexually. I became distanced from my ex sexually and didn’t want him to touch me very often towards the end, because I sensed I was being treated like meat and he was so unkind to me in the everyday. I wasn’t frigid- I just wanted to protect myself from someone who I had a gut feeling was abusing me.

[Healthyarchive]

Yes I found that I was unable to develop as a person or be happy in my own right if it did not have him at the center. Its just sick and so detrimental to human development. I remember my birthday my family had organised a special meal. I was the center of attention, i felt happy. There is a photo of me looking nice and opening my presents with a smile on my face. I remember he was there, sitting in the corner quietly & trying to hide his feelings, but seething at the situation. He did not like me to feel happy, free, have opinions and grow, it seemed to gnaw away at him. This chipped away a bit at my nice birthday and made me not trust him. He always used to tell me his role was to contribute towards my life. But he did the exact opposite, this was probably a deflective statement he had developed.

[Serenity]

Hi HA,

I used to be hurt but very confused at how my ex never tried to encourage me to succeed, but in fact tried to sabotage it.

I have read that these abusers are pathologically envious. That is, envious to the extreme of anyone who has or achieves anything. It gives rise to feelings of rage and spite within them.

This explains a lot of my ex’s behaviour.

[Healthyarchive]

This would explain everything really, pathologically envious. It makes sense. If that is the case then its just not possible to have a normal, loving healthy relationship with these men is it.

[abcxyz]

You have both brilliantly summed it all up …. like putting a mirror up against what is going on here. Today he went for a run, then we all had to go and look and a school, then he slept for 2.5 hrs (he has a medical condition which makes him tired) then has sat in bed with the light off for 4 hours playing on the ipad in the dark. I have taken him a drink but just know he is waiting for someone to pander to him. The saddest thing is that the kids didn’t even bat an eyelid to him being up there in the dark. Waiting for another “no one loves me’ onslaught. ….

[Serenity]

I went through nearly two decades of hell, pandering to him and putting up with his cruelty.

Then he finds someone else ( I think) and tells me I had ‘years to love him and I didn’t.’

Apart from them rewriting history to justify their actions, they are actually a never ending hole, never fillable. However much you do for them and sacrifice yourself isn’t enough.

To them, the greatest proof of you loving them would be if you died of exhaustion serving them.

And them? They’d just swiftly move on to the next victim.

[Author]

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