Oh Such Subtle punishment

[StormyThomas]

I have left my husband, or rather I have made him leave us.
One blessing of his “condition” is that he never wants to be seen as anything less than saintly… so it fits so nicely into his poor me mentality that I kicked him out, I can’t help but wonder if that is what he was angling for all along!
The straw that broke the camel’s back was him trying to prevent me from visiting my step dad for his birthday.
The incident that made me start to wonder if it had been an abusive relationship happened after he had left.
For my son’s birthday I made a very complicated dinner for family and had invited my husband in order to make things as good as possible for my son. The dinner was my sons favourite and something that I knew that my husband had enjoyed in the past. In order to accommodate my husbands dietary requirements I had to make everything from scratch and change the ingredients which further complicated the processes, because it was so difficult to make there was only enough for modest portions for all the guests, everyone cleared their plates it was delicious, everyone that is, except for my husband and I knew it was his way of getting at me without anyone noticing. I know as an isolated incident that thinking of that as abuse or even taking it as an insult, a put down is an overreaction and more than a little paranoid, but I realised then that in the context of our relationship it wasn’t at all. That for me even to think of it in that way showed that something very wrong had been going on.
But I am still not convinced that it was abuse!
However those survivors feelings of denial and guilt are familiar from when I was date raped as a teenager.
The more I look back the more I realise I had dismissed or shrugged off, ignored, brushed under the carpet, because that was so much easier than admitting what was going on.
I have so many examples of very subtle punishments over the years, that in isolation I concluded were all in my head… quite often he would go out for the day and take all the lighters (I smoked) he knew that my shame at smoking would prevent me from bringing it up and that I was isolated and in the middle of nowhere with no means of transport.
He has been unable to pay money towards household costs yet been able to buy our son gifts- looking like the hero because mummy said no because she had to pay for the food.
He has said that I can’t go out because he has to work (which would have been perfectly reasonable if I went out all the time and my friend hadn’t been returning to (country removed by moderator) the next day and I’d not had the date in the diary for months).
He once went abroad to raise money for charity and before he went he spent £(detail removed by moderator) leaving us without money for food. I had to endure months of people telling me how wonderful he was.
I have had to take my photos down to put his up… the list goes on.
He has now been diagnosed with (mental health issues removed by moderator). I feel terrible that I am kicking him whilst he’s down and I know he endured a terrible childhood, but just because his mother ruined his life does not give him the right to ruin mine!
I feel like a fraud and a b**** I know that there are people out there, on here that have survived far worse, I know that he is suffering from mental ill health but I know I didn’t imagine it all BUT there’s no proof … he always made sure of that!

[KIP.]

Hey there, many people suffer from (mental health issues) but they are not abusive. Do not excuse his behaviour by using this. You know what you experienced and you do not have to justify yourself to anyone. You need to put yourself first and cut all contact with him if possible. I know it sounds harsh but contact brings manipulation and the chance to carry on abusing you x

[endoftherainbow]

Hello, well done for kicking him out, its so easy for people to say not to feel guilty or not to care, but its difficult not, especially after being with some one for so long. You have done the right thing, this might take a while to sink in properly, but it will, you life will change for the better and you and your son will be so much happier. Its hard when you know they are playing the victim card to other people, my ex has moved to another town and has taken up with another woman, she and all her family think im a raving spiteful b***h as they only have his lies to listen to, this used to drive me mad, now I just let it wash over me, im safe and free, they will all find out in time.
You are not a fraud, everybody’s trauma is bad for them, we all have different ideas of what’s “bad”, anything that impacts your life in a bad way and leaves you sad, scared or hurt is abuse. My ex blamed so much of what happened on his past, but many people have terrible things happen and don’t turn into a monster, he’s at fault, not you. I sincerely hope you continue to stay strong, things wont always be easy, and might seem to hard, but believe me you will get there. Things do get better, ask for help if you need it, there’s a lot out there, don’t be afraid to reach out, I don’t like to be called a victim of abuse, im a survivor!! and you will be too……good luck and big hugs xx

[Dragonfly]

There’s no excuse for abuse no matter what illness someone may have. An illness is not a reason to abuse. I’m glad you’ve got shot of him. I know the type of person you’re dealing with. Believe me though, the mask will drop eventually. People will see through him. Try not to think about him having this fake persona. The point is you know what he’s like. You shouldn’t feel you have to pander to him. Concentrate on yourself and your son xx

[StormyThomas]

Thank you all for your words! I don’t feel so alone anymore!
You are right mental health issues and past traumas are not an excuse, otherwise the world would be full of monsters!
I know that you are right and things will be better in the long run.
I don’t know how to severe all ties, because of my son. He has always been the perfect doting father and because of the subtlty of his abuse towards me and my endeavours to shield him, my son is largely unaware of the situation… Although I know it has effected him on some levels.
I will endeavour to absolutely minimise any contact though, because you are right the manipulation is continuing.
It is difficult to be seen as the bad guy, but the truth will out! TBH I don’t really care what anyone else thinks, but it’s difficult when my son sees me as the bad guy.

[Freedomfighter]

Hi StormyThomas
I know what you mean about the subtle abuse and put downs. They chip away at our confidence and self esteem this way. Before you know it half your life has disappeared and you’re a shell of your former self. You’re doing the right things.
I can also empathise with you about your son seeing you as the bad guy. My eldest believes his dad’s lies that it’s all in my head and he’s innocent and loves me. It’s so hard! So painful! I stayed too long and now my younger son’s health is being affected. It’s tough, but you’re doing the right thing protecting him. They have no qualms about using their children to punish us. Stay strong. He will come to understand eventually, unfortunately. I tried to protect my sons from him and his control and manipulation. But I fallen to protect them completely
Good luck

[iwillbeok]

Hi StormyThomas, I am sorry that you’re going through this horrible experience. My ex was extremely subtle with his abuse over a very long time. Looks, sighs, blaming, dismissing, sarcasm, superiority, gaslighting, baiting, goading … he was getting worse and worse. I blamed it on his work stress / mental health. I too have a long list of subtle abuses, each on their own don’t look like much but I’m recognising more and more that it was part of a long term pattern that got worse over time. It is this subtle, long term conditioning that I am struggling even now to marry up with the escalated sexual abuse at the end. It’s been like unravelling a knotted ball of string – every now and then I get a moment of clarity (a knot undoing) but there is still confusion and uncertainty (the remainder of the bigger knot).

One thing I hang onto, learned from here, is that there are those who’ve had it worse than me. But this was my worst, I have still experienced trauma. We wouldn’t tell a single amputee “Cheer up! That person is a double amputee, they have it worse.” I do count my blessings. But I try not to let that downplay what he did to me, how he has affected me and my children.

Xx

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