Ok, I'm ready

[Imogen]

I feel psychologically and emotionally ready to leave him.

So what do I do? I want to divorce him but accept that it may not be as simple as that. Do I call a solicitor? Where do I find one from? Should i just call women’s aid? I’ve given myself the goal of moving into a place in the next month at least.

I am ready and I finally feel good about it.

[KIP.]

Good for you. Priority is to get away from him and be self sufficient. Ask your local womens aid for a recommendation of a solicitor. One with experience of dealing with abusers. Make sure you have a good idea of the joint finances and access to them if possible. If he has then he will rob you blind.

[Imogen]

We have no joint account and he owns the house. All we share is life insurance. We have lived in the house just coming up to (removed by moderator)  now.

No matter how I do this it will blindside him. He knows I am unhappy yet continues to think and act that everything (in his world) is fine. That it is ok to patronise and belittle my thoughts and feelings. Not once has he followed up our conversation where I told him everything about how broken I am.

I’m scared but it’s the way forward and I need to focus on that.

[KIP.]

If you are married you may be entitled to money and equity from the house. Before you go, try and find out as much as you can about how much he has in his bank account. What state the mortgage is in etc. Once you leave he will make things as awkward as possible and you need hard evidence x

[Memand]

Hi Imogen,
I understand exactly what you mean. You try to explain how you feel and where you are emotionally and they just carry on as before, or let up for a bit and then continue in the same way.
I have only ever spoken to someone from WA on the phone, but they did say they offer free legal advice.
I don’t know your story, but well done for being resolute enough to take that decision.
Mine also has no idea how bad it is for me.

[older lady]

Memand, what if he does know exactly how bad it is for you? What would that tell you about him?

[Tuppance]

Get all your personal papers, passport etc all in one place so you can grab them. Take a copy of your life policy so you have all the details. If you think he will blow his top it might be an idea to have a small case packed with enough stuff for a few days, all ready so you don’t end up forgetting important things like medication and clean underwear. Good luck xx

[Imogen]

So today has been productive. I’ve got 2 viewings for (removed by moderator)  with availability for both in a fortnight. I spoke to WA who pointed me in the direction of the Law Society for a list of local solicitors, had a panic attack and a cry.

I get home and he is being nice, caring and saying “are you alright?” And “are you having a down day? Want to talk about it?”. He is being kind. I never know where I stand with him. I feel guilty for all I’ve done today now. I feel sad for him. How easy it is to forget how he makes me feel. I have to do this, I’m so miserable with him, I am made so small and pathetic with him. How could I forget how he mocks me? Belittles me? Makes me feel this low.

I need to stay strong.

[lover of no contact]

You are doing great. Keep reading the posts for strength and keep posting. He will confuse you and try to reel you back in with his kind, caring words. He possibly senses a change in you and he doesn’t want to lose his victim. He gets a high out of mocking, belittling and criticising you. He makes you feel small so he can feel superior. He is entitled and arrogant and has contempt for you. Him acting caring and nice is him manipulating you. His pattern is nasty/nice, nasty/nice. All our abusers are the same. They are not very special. They all sing from the same hymn sheet.

Keep viewing the properties and don’t look back. You are very brave and courageous. You are saving your sanity and your life.

We are here to help you with your feelings of fear and confusion (due to his mixed -message behaviours) and loss.

[Healthyarchive]

Dear Imogen, a couple of weeks after we split I had to discuss a prior paid up arrangement that I had with my ex. I did this by email, i was very anxious and wanted this arrangement dealt with and ended. He replied in a way that I had to question was it really him. He was open, honest, courteous & reasonable. I said hang on a minute that doesn’t sound like him. Never in all of our relationship had he been open, honest, courteous or reasonable. His general theme was lying, withholding, mind games and deception. X*X

[Imogen]

He is being painfully nice, yet still, I know the cycle will come back round. I know that every month, week, I will feel desperate to escape, desperate to be cared for, stronger, wanted, loved and independent. I know I’ll be crying into my pillow every night, wishing I could just end it all now, wishing I was dead.

That can’t be me anymore. The mood swings are swaying massively for me at the moment. I am edging further away from thinking about how HE will feel and how upset HE will be. I have been afraid and upset for years.

I just off to see the flats now. Step one in getting out is in action.

X*X

[Racoon]

Well done for getting this far. It’s great that you were able to think of your future freedom in your own flat and make the calls to arrange viewings. Keep focusing on that future. I used to take myself off and daydream about what my future home would look like and how it would feel without that constant fear. Leaving was the hardest hurdle to jump but was a great sense of achievement and relief once I was out.

Remember we’re all standing here with a big net ready to catch you!

[Tuppance]

Dear Imogen – well done for all you have achieved so far. I am working towards my exit too and mind is being really nice too at the moment, asking how I am feeling, showing concern . It is easy to forget all the misery he has caused and I know it will happen again. I can’t live like this any longer either so I completely support you in what you are doing. Well done you and don’t forget what he has done and is capable of doing x*x

[Free Fairy]

You’re doing so well Imogen, even though he’s going through Alice phase, you keep reminding yourself of what it’ll turn into. Keep your eye on what your life can be like once you’re away from him.
You don’t have to dwell on how he’s going to feel, what he’s going to think, how shocked he’ll be. He lost the right to your consideration when he treated you so badly. I know how hard it is to stop thinking of them first when they make themselves the centre of the universe, but he really isn’t going to be your problem much longer xx

[Imogen]

Right, I have a move in date.

I have no idea what I am doing now! The only joint thing is that we are married.

Am I right that I can just turn to him and say I am leaving/I want a separation to just get the hell out and then sort legalities after?

I am so scared but so excited and focussed and happy about this move. I have the VERY close friends who are supporting me and are truly happy I have found strengthto do this. My freedom is within my grasp.

Is there anything I need to think of?

[Author]

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