OK ladies – what advice should I give my daughter …….

[mixed-up mum]

Im sitting on my own, my daughter has gone out on her first ever date

He picked her up and they’ve gone for a couple of drinks. Hes asked her twice and she didn’t go – she’s very nervous around men, and not sure how she’s expected to ’behave’ with a boyfriend.

She’s young for her age, and sexually nieve. She’s not done the things all her friends have done.

I want her to take care, respect her body and not be pushed into anything, I don’t want her feeling pushed in to doing things shes not ready for.

She has grown up with her father as an example of how men are – and I don’t want her to settle for that, I don’t want her to be treated like that.

I want better for my daughter I want her to be treated right, treated with respect – because she’s special and she’s worth it and deserves to be treated right.

So many of her friends seem to pick up boys and just go home with them, and sleep with them, and its a different one the next weekend.
I want her to realise she’s better than that and she deserves more.

I want a lad to go out with her, go for meals, go to the Pics, go for walks togther, go for drinks, come here meet us, have tea with us, sit and watch TV with her, go to his house meet his family – have a ’courtship’ – BEFORE THE SLEEP TOGETHER – BEFORE SHE GIVES HERSELF TO HIM – that may seem old fashioned – but I believe women should be treated with respect……..

I don’t know how a woman should be treated – I only had my ex husband…..ours quite obviously wasn’t a ’normal’ marriage – but I knew nothing else so I lived with it – put up with it – but I want more for my daughter, I want better for my daughter.

I want her first boyfriend to treat her right, talk to her, care about her, be gentle to her, protect her, and love her – I don’t want her to settle for, or put up with what ISN’T RIGHT – she’s worth more.

I’m sitting here tears rolling down my face – I just want her life to be better than mine, I want her to meet someone nice who will respect her and treat her right.

I don’t want her to settle for less. I just want her to be happy and not have to live a life like mine. But because of my experience of men, I’m so wary of men, and don’t trust them……but I know there are good ones out there, nice ones out there……. I just wasn’t lucky enough to find one………

x*x

[KIP.]

It’s such a difficult thing but if you’re close then how about showing her your post?

[Confused123]

HI Hun

Dont cry, see this as an opportunity to get close to your child, when my teenager son was dating I was really pleased for him, like yourself I only had ex as an example who was a very bad example and bad role model, when my son confined in me that he was dating, i had a ncie heart to heart chat with him about treating the girl with respect, on other occasassions as well when he was going through bad stages in the relationship hen confided in me and told me she was actually playinng mind games with him, it was horrifying to see how my son thought it was ok as he had seen me been treated badly and acccepting it, again i ssat with him and explained my relationship was very wrong, i explained the lack of eexperiecne i had with his dad been my first partner and making me isolated, i told him to talk relationship through with friends and cousins, lukily they were confirming her behaviour was wrong . Other positives were he saw i was never treated and liked treating his girlfriend. I think all we can do is talk to them about positibe relationships and what they are like, I am quite greatful that my children and me talk openly now and again, i do discuss relationship and guide as best as i can. If your daughters friends are a bad influence, just guide her positively to have respect and not to be pressurised into doing anything she doesnt want to. Ihave realized times have changed so much and youngster seem to sleep more openly and earlier then we would expect, again todays generatiion from what i have seen class it as a positive experience , hope my advice has help, the best u can do is guide her but give her advice if needed to the best u can without turning it into a lecture, cause then they really switch off

[White Rose]

It is hard. I worry all the time!
Just wait for her to talk about the date. Resist the temptation to ask loads of questions. Remind her to be safe from the minute she leaves home till she gets back. Let her know she has a choice in whether she goes out with him again.
If she mentions anything that rings warning bells to you ask her what she thinks of it and try to open up discussion a bit.
Most important of all tell her you love her and want her to be happy and if things seem to be moving fast try to slow her down. Maybe buy some condoms! I did and it sparked a huge guffaw from my daughter who then said thanks mum I won’t be using them just yet I’m not ready to do that and if he wants it he can get lost. That really surprised me!
And be proud – she’s growing up and although she’s anxious she’s felt she can go out which is good. She’s behaving normally. Not all men are like ours were xxxx

[Finallysomethingclicked]

Hello mixed up mum,
I was a young mum I’ve made some big mistakes I find it hard to show emotion I don’t like to be touched which is hard on my children I love them so much I just struggle with the physical side we say I love you a lot etc…. anyway I’ve always been honest with my daughter from an early age my mother didn’t approve I was honest with my daughter but if she’s old enough to ask a question she deserves an honest answer sometimes simplified for her age my point is we’ve had some bad times she rebelled she was physically assaulted by my ex(not her father) she was in a bad place with friends and I felt I’d failed her, I kept talking kept loving her she’s now officially an adult this year she lives with me works and is very successful in her chosen career I’m so proud of her she’s my greatest achievement so far I have other children who are doing fantastic too. Please don’t give up hope all is not lost just be theredont ever give up talk talk and talk they do listen honest x big hugs and hope this helped

[Serenity]

Hi Mixed Up Mum,

I’m wondering, I don’t know how your daughter is, but youngsters ( just like we were ) want to strike out independently : we’ve spoken in her about trying to educate young people about abuser- is possible to give her some resource which shows her what to be careful of, without having to interfere or go too deep? Something as simple as the power and control wheel? I wish somebody had shown my that kind of thing when I were younger. Maybe just one day carefully give it to her, tell her these are the things you wish you’d known, whilst not coming across as too negative about her date?

[mixed-up mum]

Hiya – and thank you all so much for taking the time to reply.

I think KIP that I may just pick some bits out of this post and send it to her on Facebook. Shes not really all comfortable talking about feeling, and just refuses to discuss anything of a sexual nature with me – so if I messaged her she will know how I feel – know I care, and know I just want the best for her.

Confused123 – Thank you – Yes that’s what I’m afraid of that they have grown up seeing how their dad treated their mam and they will think its ‘normal’ ……. that’s the thing when the abusive relationship is your first real relationship – then that’s all you know – and you just think its OK and its ‘normal’ – its only too late – way down the line – you suddenly see – no this is NOT normal.

I hope that if she ever felt unsure about anything, and couldn’t come to me, that she would confide in one of her friends – and NOT just accept being treated badly and put up with it like I did.

I’m not over keen on the way her friends behave with boys – but I know as you say – it just seems to be the way nowadays – I just HOPE Ive said enough to her over they years for her to know that she is better than that – that she is worth more – and to wait for ‘the special one’.
Dont get me wrong I’m not saying that on religious grounds – but I just feel your first time should be really special – and not to be ‘given away’ too freely…….but as I say I guess IM old fashioned now!!!!

White Rose – Well I think it went OK – I didn’t ask too many questions for I knew she’d clam up – but I had to ask a bit to let her know I was interested and that I cared.
But she seemed to have enjoyed it, and he seems an nice fella – a couple of years older than her – but he works hard, has two jobs and a nice car – he picked her up and drove her home and they didn’t drink at all as he was driving – and they came home by a decent time as he was working the next day – so he seems a responsible kinda lad – but its early days yet – wait and see……

She would be mortified and SO embarrassed if I presented her with condoms – but well done you for bringing it out in to the open with your daughter.

And yes its nice to see her having the courage to enter in to a relationship (after seeing how her father was) but yes – not ALL men are like the ones WE got!!!

Finally something clicked – nice to meet you – we haven’t spoken before – you seem to have a lovely relationship wit your daughter – been through the hard times and come out the other side…….

I’m SO PROUD of my daughter too – she didn’t let her abusive father ruin the rest of her life and she worked hard at school – got good marks and went on to college and came out in her chosen career and now has her dream job and making good money for a girl her age – despite all those hellish years with her father – she has flourished in to a beautiful, clever, caring, wonderful person – I will be forever proud of her – she is an example to me – of all I wish I was.

My son however has seen how his dad behaved and he does often mirror his fathers behaviour – I see a lot of his dad in him – I have tried to teach him right from wrong – I just hope when he gets a girlfriend he will know what is and is not acceptable – but I do struggle with him sometimes.

They are given a course in school here – called the respect programme – but I feel at the age they are given it the boys are way too immature to take it in and listen and take it seriously – they laughed and giggled through most of it – my only hope is that if modern lads nowadays still dont know what IS/IS NOT acceptable way to treat a girl – I hope at least the girls nowadays DO know they shouldn’t put up with being treated badly.

There was that advert on tv showing a boy being abusive towards his girlfriend – so I hope that helped get the message over to our sons and daughters – not seen it on TV for a while now – it could do with being aired more often – keep it up front in the minds of our sons and daughters.

Girls need to be taught red flags – and know when to say that’s not acceptable.

I hear lots of ladies on here talking about red flags – but I have not done the respect programme so I’m not really sure what o look out for – maybe some of you on her could highlight a few examples to warn our daughters what to look out for.

Thank you for reading this and thank you for your advice.

x*x

[mixed-up mum]

Hi Serenity – just seen your message now – the power and control wheel – I hadn’t even heard of that myself – maybe I should contact my local Womens Aid and see what they can give me, eg leaflets etc – just things she can read on her own at her leisure.

Its been a few years since I contacted my local Womens Aid – but I’m sure they would give me something.

Thank you – stupidly I hadn’t thought of going there again after me being so long out.

x*x

[mixed-up mum]

P.S.

That advert is on You Tube – and I think its called – “If you could see yourself – Would you stop yourself”

Its really quite scary and thought provoking – that if we don’t educate our sons and daughters – that could be them…………..boys need to know that behaviour is not acceptable – and girls need no know not to put up with it.

x*x

[Peaceful Pig]

Hi mixed up mum, have a look at the hideout online, they have some good resources you can print out about rights and expectations in a relationship. Also the short video ‘tea consent’ is really good and makes consent really clear xx

[WalkerInTheRain]

I think the most important thing is to keep the lines of communication open with her and try to reserve judgements.
You want the best for her, that’s completely natural. The girls that go out every weekend are no better or worse than anyone else, they have just made different choices for themselves. If they are happy, safe and healthy there’s no harm.
Empower your daughter to know what are healthy boundaries in a relationship, let her understand she has a right to say no to anything at any time and techniques for how to keep herself safe.
We don’t always agree with other people’s choices but you want her to be able to come to you for help in the good times and the bad.

[Author]

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