22nd July 2021 at 6:25 am #129107littledoveParticipant
I’ve posted this on Positive Moments, but know some don’t go on that one, so posting it here in case anyone misses it x
So…I had a traumatic childhood in that I got horribly bullied from a very young age into adolescence.
It was mostly by boys, they called me horrible names, said I was ugly etc. I was petrified to walk anywhere for lunch at school because I’d be embarrassed with them shouting across the street at me. A few girls did it too. Of course these were the girls who felt insecure in themselves…
Finally when I was in my last years of school I stood up for myself and fought back at the bullies (not physically or horribly). They left me alone. Then the boys who had bullied me wanted to take me on dates!!
I of course turned them away.
I do not feel resentment towards any of them. They acted in a way they found acceptable at the time and I’m sure most of them feel guilty about it now as some of them are way too nice to me now.
My dad was diagnosed with a mental illness when I was only a pre schooler. It caused problems/arguing with my parents growing up. His illness was so complex, his loved ones did suffer around him.
Despite that I did grow up with two loving parents though. My dad tried to the best of his ability. But it did affect me.
Anyway, fast forward…when I left school I started getting loads of attention from guys. And I loved it. Because I was so used to being unaccepted. I felt attractive for the first time in my whole life. However, I went for the “bad boys”, the “players”, because the nice ones were too easy to get, it didn’t prove my worth enough. I wanted to reap the rewards of being the one to change one of these players. It never happened which damaged my self esteem further.
I then met my child’s dad. My abuser. He was charming, although again had the player label. He told me I made him wanna be a better person. I wanted to fix people. He knew I was too nice a person and empathetic and a people pleaser and had self esteem problems.
Anyway, obviously he started abusing me emotionally and psychologically and used gaslighting and coercion. All subtle at first and confusing as to what was going on.
I went to a counsellor because I felt my “anxiety” at the time was what was causing the problems.
It was my counsellor that told me I was in an abusive relationship. She asked if I wanted to be referred to Women’s aid. I said no at first, I was so confused.
I then did my research. And it was when during an argument he came through with a (insert object) in his hand in a threatening way that I called her and asked her to refer me. This was when I was pregnant.
I kept going back because I believed he would change. He begged and begged for more chances; that this time would be different, that it was his mental health, his childhood, his drinking problems, that he NEEDED me to fix him.
I went back, things would be amazing for a short while then it would end up worse and worse the more I went back.
I finally got the courage to leave before my baby was born. I didn’t want my little one coming into a life like that. I knew I had to protect my baby. I was so scared to bring up a baby all on my own. Knew I had to get a small flat for us to live in. But I knew it was the only way to give my child the best chance in life.
I left and never looked back. I saw Women’s Aid. I spoke to other professionals. And I haven’t seen him since. I phoned the police for his harassment.
He still attempted to contact me and pull me back in. But I stood my ground. He threatened me with so many things if I didn’t do as he said. I held my ground still. All for my baby.
I think if I didn’t have my baby I would probably still be with him. My baby gave me the ultimate strength to leave and realise what me and my child both deserved.
My kid is the happiest and brightest ever and is thriving. I’m sometimes so hard on myself but have to remember I made that possible.
Since all of this I have worked on my trauma and mental health through therapy. I’m getting there. I journal and meditate and practice mindfulness and read self help books. I am single and loving being on my own and having so much freedom. If the right person comes along one day then fair enough. But I will never settle for less than I deserve ever again.
I had dated a couple men but too many red flags and they were thrown out.
I have been practicing self love and focusing on my self worth. I love who I am. And know what I bring to the table to any man now.
I work for my child, I have a roof over our heads which I have decorated beautifully. And I’m going back to my studies to build us a prosperous life.
You can do it too! You are in the drivers seat of your life, this one life. Take back your power. Your whole life awaits you!! ❤️❤️
22nd July 2021 at 7:24 am #129109WeemebreezeParticipant
This is so amazing to read – the biggest well done and congratulations to you! You should be so proud of yourself xx
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