Old flame

[marmaladechamp]

An old flame popped up and we started speaking. We’ve known each other for nearly (detail removed by moderator) years but it’s always been a case of bad timing. I’ve always had such a strong connection to him and we are both very comfortable together.

He asked if he could take me out soon, there’s no expectations if it goes further and he wants to reassure me that if I only want to go for a drink and say goodnight then that’s fine. I really want to see him but I am hesitant because it’s not been that long since I left my ex.

I would like us to keep in touch and meet but I dont want to lead him on. It’s weird because I always thought we might end up together, he said the same.

What should I do?!

[marmaladechamp]

I should also mention that he is verrrry flirty and he makes me feel like the sassy queen I should be! Although when I tell him to stop he does so he does respect my boundaries in that sense.

[Yellowflower]

Some questions I think you need to ask yourself are… what was he like before when you dated him? Why did it not work out and go further? Has he always been respectful? Have you accepted all that your abusive ex has done and know the red flags? No one can tell you what to do but I strongly believe in trusting your gut instinct. Us ladies are very vulnerable when we leave our partners we’ve been through so much just be careful hunni xx

[marmaladechamp]

Hi Yellowflower,

We both met at uni and a bunch of stuff happened, he dropped out and life got in the way. We didn’t speak every day but would catch-up every so often and just chat for hours. I know what my ex has done and I know what to look at for. I’m already setting boundaries and letting him know that I would like to keep in touch and see what happens but take things very slowly.

I am nervous about it because part of me feels like it’s wrong to even think about another guy but I am not going to go straight into dating and being in a relationship. I want to take it slow. I’d like to see where it goes and if it doesn’t work out this time for whatever reason I’ve still got a friend.

[Yellowflower]

Old flame you sound like you have thought about this a lot. You sound like your trusting your gut and I think your doing the right thing. Take it slow and by all means have your guard up until your 100% ready! But most importantly enjoy yourself you deserve to be happy!! Well done for telling him you feel and your boundaries I think that’s great. Enjoy yourself oldflame x*x

[marmaladechamp]

So yeah, nevermind about him.

I texted him today to just say I was interested in seeing him and reiterating that I wanted to take it slow. I also disclosed the fact that I have herpes, a very nerve wracking thing to do.

Anyways 2 hours later I get this long reply from him saying he doesn’t think it would work out. He believes that if we’d just committed to each other from the start many years ago he could’ve prevented all of this from happening. I would never have met the other guys and experienced those things. I actually feel sorry for him, am I mad? Probably. It sounds like he feels in some way responsible which I told him was ridiculous like we wouldnt have worked out that time but now we’ve both grown as people.

So yeah f*ck this. I honestly don’t know how much more I can take. I just want things to just work out for me. Everything feels so difficult. I am upset about it, only because of how much history we had together and after everything I’ve been through I thought maybe something good was going to come from it. He says he wants to keep in touch but I said I can’t, it’s too difficult.

Just wish I could fast forward and skip over this pain and heartache. How long do I have to keep being strong for?

[SunshineRainflower]

Oh I can relate to this so wanted to reply. I think perhaps him doing this is a blessing in disguise, it would be much more painful if you got together with him, had a whirlwind romance then he bailed, you’d be in a lot of pain because you’d have to heal from both that relationship and your recent abusive relationship.

I had the opportunity to meet up with two of my ‘old flames’ and both ended up being disappointments. One was separated and insisted that he take me out for a meal, then spent the whole time being weird and trying to be sexual when I just wanted to catch up as friends. He was no longer the cute, funny guy I knew from my youth and the attraction was no longer there. The other one I bumped into randomly and he invited me back to his house under an innocent guise. I went back (nothing happened) but he was really flirty and afterwards I felt angry because I think he was pushing boundaries seeing if I’d cheat with him on his wife (I tend to be a bit naive and not see this kind of thing until I’ve processed it). Basically, there is a reason old flames are old flames! I think it’s very rare that old flames make good choices for healthy new partners. To be honest I actually felt relieved that I’d not married either of these men. They don’t have the qualities that I am looking for in a partner and I expect your old flame doesn’t have the qualities you need in a partner either.

I literally have zero love interests at the moment and haven’t for a few years, but there is a huge benefit in that for women who have experienced abuse and are also possibly love addicts/co-dependents. Because it gives us the time and space to work out our relationship patterns, learn to love ourselves and heal. Otherwise we can keep jumping from one bad relationship to the next. This might not be your pattern but it’s definitely mine.

I really recommend you read ‘Why does the do that’ by Lundy Bancroft, do the Freedom Programme and also watch some good youtube channels about recovering from domestic abuse. Also seek out trauma therapy. When we leave an abuser we are vulnerable, wounded and are often seeking love and nurturing. Unfortunately this tends to attract more predatory types looking for ‘wounded prey.’ The only answer is to love and nurture ourselves so that we feel whole rather than out in the world looking for someone to take away our pain and heal us.

The fact that you wrote that you wanted to ‘skip over the pain and heartache’ shows that you have some healing to do and unfortunately a new man isn’t going to help. Sure it would feel good at first but after the initial high of new romance wears off you’d still be left with the same pain to heal and probably a load of new relationship problems. I know because I’ve been there many times before and this time I’m really trying to figure myself out, love myself and heal those old wounds.

[County]

Hey listen don’t worry. I had a similar situation recently in that an old flame got in contact with me. Then I find out that he’d been doing some research on me. It was his sister who asked me to meet up with him as he was going through a bad seperation. I held back as I realised he was very concerned about losing property and money. I was right he went back. So glad nothing came of it. Don’t be too open too soon, some things are better revealed face to face. Would you have told him straight away that you had a heart complaint? Hope you don’t think I’m being judgemental but I have a condition that I would only tell someone I really trusted and that takes time. .

[siba]

I’ve read that it’s very common for women in abusive relationships to have affairs because they want to feel loved and wanted again. So, although you’re single, I guess i’d just keep this in mind, that you may be craving the feel of being wanted and loved. But I’d also say you deserve some fun! Go for it but have your eyes open.

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