omg !!!!

[Worrywart]

this is unreal and i’m absolutely livid!! how can he do this …my ex has sent a birthday card to our youngest (detail removed by moderator)on the front cover, why would he do this …this is so sick to me!! …why??? im so angry and feel violated by this 🙁 🙁 what a total p****

[KIP.]

It just makes himself out to look like a real idiot. It’s designed to cause maximum pain and completely inappropriate. My ex plastered his new gf all over social media and their relationship. We were still married, living together and I had no idea. There were pics of them away together! They are delusional. Step back from the crazy x play the long game.

[Worrywart]

why tho KIP i have not done anything to him at all, he just wont leave me alone, i thought he would be happy now he has her back …obv he is not happy is he x

[Worrywart]

why would he put a pic of him and her when it was our son’s birthday …surely it should have been him and our son just show’s me how much he thinks of himself and not our son …trying to make me react no doubt x

[KIP.]

They’re selfish to the core. It’s simply in their nature to hurt us. They enjoy it.

[fizzylem]

Draw a nob on his head and send it back – just kidding.

We have to summon everything we’ve got WW and learn to not react to them – then the power is gone x

[Worrywart]

Fizzylem do you know what i would love to do that lol ….obv i wont tho x

[diymum@1]

how a bout three sixs 666 lol hes triangulating – thinking in his massive egotistical head aw i have all these women competing for me now isnt this great! no your hurting everyone around you to satisfy your own ego. your not a good man – youve dodged the bullet ww xxxx

much love diymum

[AlwaysSorry]

I am so proud of you WW for getting out of the relationship you had with him. What a cruel human being to do that just to feed his own ego nevermind the fact he is hurting his own son. You are spot on, it should have been a photo of dad and son, but instead he has made it all about him again. I think you must have deeply wounded him, WW. I think that’s why he is acting the way he is, rushingg into things, trying to get a reaction out of you through GP notes, refusing to see your son, now sending this card. As DM so rightly says, you’ve dodged a bullet x It hurts as hell, but you deserve so much better than his despicable behaviour as do your sons x

[Worrywart]

thank you all so much for your reply’s don’t know how i would cope with out you lovely ladies, you have made me so strong ….diymum i didn’t realise this was triangulation as ive never heard of it before i will have to look it up online x

[diymum@1]

From the Psychopath Free book (detail removed by moderator)

To draw you closer, n*********s & psychopaths create an aura of desirability—of being wanted and courted by many. It will become a point of vanity for you to be the preferred object of their attention, to win them away from a crowd of admirers. They manufacture the illusion of popularity by surrounding themselves with members of the opposite sex: friends, former lovers, and your eventual replacement. Then, they create triangles that stimulate rivalry and raise their perceived value. (Adapted from “The Art of Seduction” by Robert Greene).

A note before I continue: people fall in and out of love. People find new love, before and after relationships come to an end. People cheat on one another. This section is not about these everyday occurrences—no matter how heartbreaking and unfair they might be. Instead, I will be describing a very specific set of patterns and behaviors that psychopaths utilize in order to torture and control their targets.

Psychopaths, like most predators, seek power and control. They want to dominate their partners sexually, emotionally, and physically. They do this by exploiting vulnerabilities. This is why they love-bomb you with attention and flattery in the beginning of the relationship—because no matter how strong or confident you are, being in “love” makes you vulnerable by default. Psychopaths don’t need physical aggression to control you (although sometimes they do). Instead, relationships provide them with the perfect opportunity to consume you by manufacturing the illusion of love. This is why it’s so damaging when bystanders say: “Well, why didn’t you just leave?” You never entered a relationship with the psychopath expecting to be abused, belittled, and criticized—first, you were tricked into falling in love, which is the strongest human bond in the world. Psychopaths know this.

So how do psychopaths maintain such a powerful bond over their targets? One of their favorite methods is through triangulation. When I mention this term, survivors usually equate it with the next target, but that is not always the case. Psychopaths use triangulation on a regular basis to seem in “high-demand”, and to keep you obsessed with them at all times. This can occur with anyone:

1. Your family

2. Their family

3. Your friends

4. Their friends

5. Ex-partners

6. Partners-to-be

7. Complete strangers

The psychopath’s ability to groom others is unmatched. They feel an intense euphoria when they turn people against each other, especially when it’s over a competition for them. Psychopaths will manufacture situations to make you jealous and question their fidelity. In a normal relationship, people go out of their way to prove that they are trustworthy—but the psychopath does exactly the opposite. They are constantly suggesting that they might be pursuing other options, or spending time with other people, so that you can never settle down into a feeling of peace. And they will always deny this, calling you crazy for bringing it up.

The issue here is that you’re accustomed to such a high level of attention after they first lured you in, so it feels very personal & confusing when they direct that attention elsewhere. They know this. They’ll “forget” plans with you, and spend a few days with friends that they always complained about to you. They’ll ignore you to spend more time with their family, when they initially told you that they were all horrible people. They’ll seek sympathy from an ex when a member of their family dies, and explain that they just have a “special friendship” you wouldn’t understand. Often—if not always—that ex is someone they first claimed was abusive and unstable.

Seeking attention, sympathy and solace from people who are not you is a very common tactic of the psychopath. As an empathetic person, and as their partner, you rightfully feel that they should be seeking comfort in you. You’ve always healed them in the past, so what’s different now? They once claimed that they were a broken person, and that you were the reason they were happy again. But now, they turn to private friendships or past relationships that you could “never understand”. And they will always make sure to shove this in your face.

This brings me to the next topic: social media.

Technology makes it so much easier for psychopaths to manipulate through triangulation. It can be as simple as liking a comment from an old ex, while ignoring one from you. They will “accidentally” upload a photo album where they’re embracing the ex they once claimed to hate. Everything appears to be unintentional—you often attribute it to insensitivity—but make no mistake: it is carefully calculated.

They will post strategically ambiguous statuses, songs, and videos that suggest you might be “losing” them. They will share things that are intentionally meant to lure in new & old targets. For example, an inside joke with their new victim. Or the love song that they once shared with their ex. This does two things: it leaves you feeling unhinged, anxious, and jealous. But it also makes the competing party feel confident, loved, and special. They are grooming others as they erode your identity—two birds with one stone.

They want you to confront them about these things, because they are so seemingly minimal that you will appear crazy and jealous for bringing it up. They will calmly provide an excuse for everything and then blame you. Covert abuse is impossible to prove, because it’s always strategically ambiguous. You can’t prove that they’re luring in their ex because of a song they posted, but you know it intuitively. This is how they finalize the crazy-making. Because let’s be honest: complaining about Facebook statuses & comments does seem immature. That’s exactly how they want you to feel.

Psychopaths are also expertly skilled at surrounding themselves with givers—insecure people who find self-worth in taking care of others. This is why your giving seems so insignificant and replaceable during the relationship. They adore qualities in others who are nothing like you—sometimes even the exact opposite of you. The message is simple: you are no longer special. You are replaceable. If you don’t give them the worshipping they deserve, they’ll always have other sources. And even if you do give them positive energy, they’ll get bored of you eventually. They don’t need you. Their current round of fans will always spoil and admire them, making you believe that they truly must be a great person. But take a careful look around. You’ll notice that they all seem to have an unspoken misery about them.

The final triangulation happens when they make the decision to abandon you. This is when they’ll begin freely talking about how much this relationship is hurting them, and how they don’t know if they can deal with your behavior anymore. They will usually mention talking to a close friend about your relationship, going into details about how they both agreed that your relationship wasn’t healthy. In the meantime, they’ve been blatantly ignoring frantic messages from you. You’ll be sitting there wondering why they aren’t chatting with you about these concerns, considering it’s your relationship.

Well, the reason is that they’ve already made the decision to dump you—now they’re just torturing you. They only seek advice from people they know will agree with them. That “friend” they’re talking to is probably their next target.

After the breakup, they will openly brag about how happy they are with their new partner, where most normal people would feel very embarrassed and secretive about entering a new relationship so quickly. And even more surprising, they fully expect you to be happy for them. Otherwise you are bitter and jealous.

During this period, they make a post-dump assessment. If you grovel or beg, they are likely to find some value in your energy. They will be both disgusted and delighted by your behavior. If you lash out and begin uncovering their lies, they will do everything in their power to drive you to suicide. Even if you come back to them later with an apology, they will permanently despise any target who once dared talk back to them. You’ve seen too much—the predator behind the mask.

This is why they constantly wave their new partner in your face, posting pictures and declaring their happiness online. Proving how happy and perfect they are. It’s a final attempt to drive you insane with triangulation. To make you blame the new target, instead of the true abuser.

Exes who stay strung do not understand that they are puppets to the psychopath. Instead, they feel that they are fulfilling some sort of beautiful duty as a friend—someone who will always be there for them. They don’t understand that they are only kept around to spice things up when the psychopath becomes bored. They don’t see that they are the basis of so many fights—not because their friendship with the psychopath is special and enviable, but because the psychopath intentionally creates that drama. They are operating under the delusion that their friendship with the psychopath is brilliant, unique, and unprecedented. When in reality, they are just used for triangulation.

So how can you protect yourself from this devastating emotional abuse? First, you must learn self-respect. I will discuss this in more detail later on in the book. But the bottom line is, you need know what is acceptable and unacceptable behavior in a relationship. You should know that a partner who cheats and antagonizes is not worth your time. You should never resort to calling yourself crazy in order to account for their extremely sketchy behavior. But that’s hard to do with subtle, covert, crazy-making abuse.

So here’s where I introduce “The Detective Rule”. The idea is simple: if you find yourself playing detective with someone, you remove them from your life immediately. Remember your Constant? Do you play detective with them? Do you cyberstalk their Facebook page and question their every intention? No, of course not. So you know the common denominator is external.

Even if this sense of distrust feels obscure and unreasonable, trust your gut. If you are constantly worrying or doubting your thoughts, it’s time to stop blaming yourself and start taking action.

Miraculously, every single time you remove that toxic person from your life, you will find that the anxiety subsides. Some of us are better at judging ourselves than others, so this finally gives you a chance to put that to use. You can decide whether or not you like the way you feel around someone. No one can ever tell you that your feelings are wrong. Remember the question: “How are you feeling today?” The answer is all that matters.

Triangulation leaves long-lasting emotional scars, and it makes you feel as if you are a jealous, needy, insecure monster. Start healing those scars and understand that they were manufactured. You were not yourself—you were manipulated. The real you is kind, loving, open-minded, and compassionate. Never question these things again.

[diymum@1]

id maybe replace the term psychopath with abuser xx as it is his choice to behave like this xx i bet this rings a few bells! when i learned about this it was a game changer i realised it is a tactic off abuse xx its not you and yes your more than good enough better id say xx love diymum

[AlwaysSorry]

Thanks for sharing this DM x It made for hard but enlightning reading x

[diymum@1]

i found this quite hard to read too xx its better to know how this works i guess but like me your probably thinking how can someone be so vile ? we are luck not to have these horrible traits! much love diymum xx hope your ok?x

[AlwaysSorry]

You are so right DM x You always do find the silverlining 🙂 x I’m doing ok, I hope you’re ok too xx

[diymum@1]

i am thanks still battling on xxxx

[Worrywart]

wow thank you diymum i understand now x

[diymum@1]

its all about the ego because they are deep down very insecure about themselves its like there brain isnt wired like ours. takes the weight off us tho know how they tick xxxx but dont feel sorry for him he knows he shouldnt be hurting you like this xx i had the same i was dumped just at the drop off a hat. i never new this was happening at the time but i do now and it helped me move forward. i carry no guilt at all now its on him xxxx

[diymum@1]

can you go third party contact with him for the kids and ask the kids not to talk about personal lives? his in the main. just discuss plans xx i know this isnt easy but start to limit his contact with you thru the kids xx protect yourself

[diymum@1]

he will get bored and leave you be when he dosent get any feed back or even appear enthusiatic if you have to like say with the photo on the card put on a face for the kids and say yes thats amazing isnt it im so pleases for him – it shows you dont care (even if you still do to a degree) reverse psychology i suppose xx

[Worrywart]

…thank you x

[diymum@1]

its quite a shocker but apparently these men learn this at an early age they know what theyre doing to us xx

[Worrywart]

diymum, do you think im reading too much into this …could he have moved on do you think? its just that someone has put a seed of doubt in my head saying that he may not have been malicious in sending the card with his and her pic on and i should be happy he even sent him a card, are they right? i dont know anymore …i used to buy his cards for birthday/christmas ect when we were together, there was not any nasty msg with the card …what do you think? if that happened to you would you think it was done in malice? …confused now 🙁 x

[diymum@1]

if he was a thinking in a way to protect your feelings like some exs do he would have sent just an ordinary card. having him and her on it to be put right under your nose is hurtful. i was the same i had a call one day at work it was from my ex telling me he had met someone so lovely and amazing. i went along with it saying thats nice but when i went back to work i was ill. i felt discarded like a was nothing. it depends on what your friends circumstances are i dont think she will understand how this works as above its soo complicated how do you really full explain triangulation so someone who hasnt been abused. im not sure if he has premeditated this im 90% sure he has but there is always the chance shes as bad as him and shes gotten the cards made up xxxx

[Worrywart]

thank you …yes you are right of course, i’m just being a confused me again …like you said he would have wanted to protect my feelings if he is a normal person …but he most defo is not normal x*x

[KIP.]

I have a sneaking suspicion it’s his new gf behind this. She will want to stamp her name on the relationship. She will be in the honeymoon phase. I’m just saying this because like you, I did all the birthday cards etc on his behalf. He was too lazy to be bothered but he should still have said it isn’t appropriate but then he’s going to do whatever she wants in the beginning. She thinks she’s won first prize when in fact she’s won the booby prize. She just doesn’t know it yet. My ex lovebombed his new gf (while he was still with me) so much she went ahead and changed her Facebook status and put a pic of them both on it. He had no idea. His face was a picture when I confronted him! Arse. She was in such a rush to put her stamp on him and I bet she had her doubts about him as we were married and still living together. I later found out he had told her we were separated. Just give her time, sadly she will soon see the real person he is. Meantime, protect yourself. I don’t see the harm in letting your children know it’s painful to see. They shouldn’t be in any doubt how hurt you are. Don’t make excuses for his behaviour. Whatever his reaction to your pain, he’s out of your life now. I wish I’d been more open with my son instead of putting on a brave face but then he was a lot older and I thought I was protecting him x

[Worrywart]

would not surprise me in the least KIP …i dont feel sorry for her either purely because he abused her first time around, i cant believe how naive she is to go back to that piece of C*** after all these years …she defo has won the booby prize …she is welcome to the d******* xx

[diymum@1]

thats the spirit rise above them both and be truthful with the kids about your feelings off hurt xx

[diymum@1]

just make sure they dont tell your ex! xx

[Worrywart]

thank you x

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