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Day 4 since he left. Starting to feel joy again.
The freedom feels strange to me. But then it will do, I’ve spent years checking nothing I did could inflame my ex, or give him any excuse to hurt us. (He did anyway, of course, over and over.)
36 hours since he owned up to what he’s done. Says he sees it all, every bad thing he’s done, flashing across his mind like a cinema reel which he cannot stop. Good. I hope it keeps playing awhile, wouldn’t want him to miss a bit!
Ditto since he apologised for the things he’s done to us. Took a while during the conversation for him to move from sorrow for himself to sorrow for us! I also noticed how much easier he found it to apologise for what he’s done to my children than what he’s done to me.
I have been using the mantra ‘Be Nice Or Leave’ to him for several years. Like lots of you, I’ve been catching each incidence of abuse, flagging it to him and me, agreeing with him that would be the last time (I can’t count how many ‘last times’ I allowed him!)
I have become a master at this! There must be a better use for my skills and talents. VSO or fostering, maybe, one day – not yet. I want to enjoy my freedom before I start another giving project 🙂 (I am so proud of myself for saying ‘want to’. I never do what I want to. Well, I do now!)
My OMG moment is this. It’s only this morning I have actually heard and felt the true (there is no suitable adjective I can think of ATM, so I’ll use this one) awfulness of what he’s done *and* what I allowed him to do.
I think I’ve avoided this moment, and I think that might be because I was scared I wouldn’t cope with taking full responsibility for my part in allowing it to go on.
But I don’t mind. I feel OK. I thought I would feel bad and beat myself up about it, but I’m not. I just don’t need to.
Peace and joy, two things I never expected – even hoped – to experience, have arrived today.
Much love Sxx
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Ah the joy of no contact, it cannot be underestimated! I’m so glad you have the opportunity to experience such peace at last – you deserve it. I’m not so sure you need to think that you ‘allowed it’ to happen, though obviously I know how hard it is not to take responsibility for our abusers. That fact is he chose to abuse you and you coped with that in whatever way you could to stay safe. It can be a shock when the realisation hits, so keep being very gentle with yourself and enjoying the peace and joy. Much love xx
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It’s only when you are away from them that you have a clarity of mind to see it all for hag it was. All your energy before was going into just surviving: now, you can see things in high definition.
I think we all start to blame ourselves when this happens, thinking we were wrong to allow it to happen, but the truth is that we are human, we were trying to survive, others’ behaviour is not our fault, things are not so clear cut. As victims, we have begun to feel less capable, our energy has reduced massively, we feel stuck, imprisoned, and it’s only suddenly that we suddenly find the strength from within and the will to break free, the energy coming out of nowhere.
I hope that you continue to go from strength to strength. I read your other post where he apparently recognised his faults, and was going to post and say don’t get taken in. Abusers only apologise when there’s something in it for them.
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Thank you PP and Serenity, always lovely to hear your wise words S xx
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