9th January 2016 at 11:31 am #7351
After months of waiting for a social housing property, I have been offered my first viewing!!! Part of me is excited and another part terrified. After months of mental planning, the time is nearly here and I don’t now know what to do.
How do these things usually happen? If you like the place, do you get the keys there and then or do they give you a date when you can move in, say in a week’s time? Depending on how quickly these things happen if I decide to take the property, I need to plan how to get my things out of here and how and when to tell my husband that we’re leaving.
I was planning on renting a small storage facility nearby and take small things there every day so there is less to move on the actual day. The big stuff is more difficult. I have a few pieces of furniture that I need to take with me. How do I get that stuff out? I would need to hire a van or a man & a van but that would need to be booked for a specific date. I don’t have any friends or family who could help. What if my husband decides not to work on the day I’ve booked it for? At what stage do I say something to him? I very much doubt he would be reasonable enough to agree to a date when I can come and get my things out. He is more likely to change the locks. Someone suggested I take photos of the things I want out of the house so I have a record if the police get involved.
I feel terribly guilty about the fact that I’m about to leave without any explanation or notice. I know I shouldn’t but I do. He has no idea at all. He will most likely need to move out of our home because he can’t afford it on his own (or he could take a lodger in). He will be devastated that I have left because he doesn’t know anything is wrong, but relieved that he no longer has to deal with my son and his problems. I will tell him I have no choice, it’s either potentially have my son removed from my care or have him move out because he is so unhappy, or me go with him. It’s a no brainer for any responsible parent. He won’t understand it though. He will say that he’s tried being nice to my son etc. A load of b….cks if you ask me but he won’t see it that way. I now know just how much my son hates him and I know it’s the right thing to do but I still feel so bad about it. Why is that when I know it’s the right thing to do?
Also, I now know that I can’t take my dog with me so I hope my husband will look after him and keep him. Otherwise he would need to be rehomed. It breaks my heart but I need to put my son first and I need to get him away so that he can start his recovery. He says he’s excited about moving so that’s positive. I’ve told him he can at last have his friends over at weekends so I am hoping he will start spending some more time at home if he can have his friends over.
The school is still a massive issue. He is still refusing to go to school. The professionals say it’s because he’s depressed and his brain can’t cope with anything else. He’s lost all motivation with school so let’s see if us moving out makes a difference in that.
Anyway, if you can offer some advice about the moving issue I would be ever so grateful.
It’s quite an exciting thought that our new life is just around the corner now!!!
9th January 2016 at 1:30 pm #7359Falling SkysParticipant
Wow existing times and lots to think about.
I know nothing about social housing.
But its a good idea to get pictures and any evidence bill of sales for your bits.
I have rung round removal firms, storage units to gets information and prices. Some did pay for two months and get the third free.
Don’t feel guilty it’s his doing not yours. Also for your safety don’t say anything. You and your children come first
I know I’m conditioned to put him and his needs first as well. We need to brake free of this mind set xx
9th January 2016 at 6:09 pm #7376KIP.Participant
Don’t say a thing to your husband. You have just described exactly what his response will be and you don’t need that. I would take what’s offered. It can’t be any worse than living with an abuser and once you’re out, you can take your time and look elsewhere. With regard to your dog, I would try and re home him myself. Don’t leave any reason to go back. He will use your dog for that. Even a rescue shelter would be better than leaving it with him. There are also organisations that will foster your dog. I think dogs trust do this for victims of DV. It’s so wonderful to know you can close your own door and feel safe. I can only imagine what your poor soon is feeling. So desperate he would leave you. Well done. Don’t worry about your husband. He didn’t worry about you❤️👍👍👍👍
10th January 2016 at 12:42 am #7400Confused123Participant
So pleased for u , agree with kip just take the house and get away from your husband u can always refer yourself for better place after , at least this way your son and u will be safe and together , do not feel guilty at all about your husband , remember how’s he mis treated u , soon as u get the place start taking your stuff in car if u have one , start pre packing stuff u know u will def need , I put most of my clothes in suitcase so when time came could just leave and had my documents all pre ready close by , think of yourself Hun and your son
10th January 2016 at 5:20 am #7402mixed-up mumParticipant
Hi doglover – OH WOW GREAT NEWS – SO PLEASED FOR YOU!!!!! 🙂
I did not plan my exit – one day I just knew this was the day – and I had to get us out of there, it had taken me in the teens of years to finally pluck up courage to leave him.
I waited until he had gone to the shop – then I locked and baracaded all the doors – I put it all the lights and waited for him to come back – there was shouting and swearing and banging on doors and windows, but I’d made the first move – I’d finally done it and now there was NO going back!!!!
I was excited – nervous – and yes terrified at what I had now started – but I HAD TO do it this time!!!!
After a while he got back in the car and drove off – now I got the suitcasrs down out the loft and I told the kids to take their clothes, and anything that was really important to them – things they had a keeping on and did not want to leave behind. I did not know if he was ever going to let me back in so we had to take only the most important things – certain documents eg birth certificates, bank books. Family credit papers, house papers etc.
PLUS by now ( I had been planning to leave for years just did not know when I’d finally have the courage to do it!!) I’d squirreled away money in different hiding places in the house.
I then rang my local Women’s Aid, and left a garbled message to say I WAS finally leaving him!!!!
He came back, more shouting and yelling and banging on doors and windows – I told the kids NOT to let him in no matter what he said – and he did try and get our son to let him in – but he didn’t – I did not enter into any conversation with him no matter what he said and eventually he gave up and left again – I then started to get phonecalls from his father – I did not pick up – but he left 14 very angry abusive threatening messages – it was at this point I rang my mam to come over and get us – she had no idea I’d finally done it – she had wanted me to leave him for years – so she came and got us ( I took the house keys so I could get back in) and we were away with all that we could carry in 3 suitcases and a few black bags. Only things that were really important – and things I knew I would need for our new lives – things that could be replaced did not matter – that would come eventually.
He did not know we were leaving him – all he knew was he was locked out – so he did not return that night – and when I came back the next day ( I took with me a good friend an neighbour to act as witness should he try anything) he arrived at the same time as me – he was so stunned he just sat there and said not one word I think cos I had my friend for protection and as witness.
I took some bedding and towels, and equipment I needed for my work, and some photos of the children when the were small and then I left.
I’d done it Is finally left him – me and the kids were homeless – but free at long last!!!!
We lived with me mam for two weeks and then a good friend let us stay in an empty house she owned. We are there for 9 mths before we finally got a council house – we are so lucky to get it and that was the start of our new lives.
I did not take any furniture That was only things and even if I could not get back in for it – then it could be replaced – all of what I have now is stuff I’ve gathered bit by bit – its all second hand but its all mine – and if he wanted to fight and argue with me over furniture – then he was welcome to it – its only things at the end of the day….
Don’t you feel in the least bit guilty – you are doing this for you and your son – to be free finally….
He may well change the locks – mine did ( egged on by his nasty father!!) But it was only done out of anger in a pathetic attempt to ‘ get back’ at me and hurt me – houses are bricks and mortar – furniture is just things – if he wants it let him have it – you are free now and THAT’S what matters most!!!!
He will be devastated you have finally stood up to him and had the courage to leave – because that will mean he can no longer controlling you – but DONT feel sorry for him you owe him nothing don’t try and explain things to him – you don’t even owe him an explanation!!!
You will NEVER convince him HE has done anything wrong – so don’t even bother trying!!!!
As for your dog is there no good friends or family who will take him – just until you can get things sorted???
I’m sure your son will settle down in to your new life soon – once you are free and have your new home and are safe then he will start to calm down – it will take time (maybe as long as a year or more) but you will be happy again and you will makenew lives for yourselves.
Good luck with it all – you have done it – you have got this far – well done you!!!!
Lots of love and luck, mixed-up mum x*x
10th January 2016 at 1:00 pm #7415LisaMain Moderator
It’s great news Doglover99. I agree with what the others have said, don’t tell him anything. He doesn’t need to know until you are out of the door and safe. Try and keep everything quiet, the most dangerous time in an abusive relationship is when the woman is leaving. That’s when your partner will realise he is losing control and has less to lose.
I hope everything goes well with the viewing. Like KIP said, unless there’s a bit reason take what you can get. Any home free of abuse is better than your situation now.
11th January 2016 at 2:08 am #7486mixed-up mumParticipant
Hi there – not heard back from you today – hope you are OK? Hope you are safe Doglover??
Just a line or two to let us all know you are all right?
Be safe, take care. x*x
12th January 2016 at 7:37 am #7580
Hi there. Sorry for the silence, I’m ok. Today’s the day and I’ve decided that if the property is ok I will take it there and then. They have said I will get the keys today if I want it so it’s decision time. If I do take it, I will be stuck with it and off the bidding list so it has to be right for our future. It’s exciting but scary at the same time.
I had a nightmare last night. I dreamt that I was diagnosed with a terminal illness and I was worrying about my son and who will look after him. It was horrible, not quite sure what that was all about. Took me a while when I woke up to realise it was a dream.
Have a good day all you lovely ladies and I’ll let you know how I get on. xx
13th January 2016 at 7:11 am #7657
Morning all. Ok so I went to the viewing. It was awful so I didn’t take it. The previous tenants had ripped the carpets out, taken the curtain rails, light bulbs, everything. No cooker or anything in the kitchen. An ancient looking boiler and storage heating units that looked 20 years old. It had mould and damp on the windows, you could clearly hear the traffic on the road and I would have had to paint the whole place top to bottom, literally, the colours were so bad (purple, green, yellow, blue). I couldn’t quite believe it but it was like one of those programmes you see on TV about people on benefits. That is what it looked like. Sorry don’t mean to offend anyone but I just couldn’t see myself living there even if I had done all the painting to make it looked nicer.
So back to the bidding process. At least I have something to compare things to now.
In the meantime more problems with my son but I’ll put that in another post.
I’ll keep you updated.
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