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Hello,
So we have no official child arrangements in place, he sees one child (the older one) roughly every other weekend but its all a bit ad hoc and the week leading up to taking the children to the handover I am always on edge, anxious and generally less happy than I am starting to feel when I don’t have to see him. So he has gone awol since the last handover a couple of weeks ago – he does this, doesn’t ring or message or ask after them in between times but then pops up again nearer to the next time to arrange it. Even the late night messages and horrible messages, in fact, any contact lately, has ceased. Weird. I suspect he might be heavily drinking as there is noone in his life or around him to curtail this at the moment but I don’t know for certain, I have no idea how he spends his time, he is still unemployed. Has he accepted what is happening? He was hostile to me last time we saw each other as I think he has realised playing nice and kind and friendly and reasonable wasn’t going to get me back, it is for good this time. It leaves me feeling sad and worried and grieving I guess, a sense of loss but it is also good for me and I feel better, more positive and able to get on with rebuilding my new life so my mind feels all over the place emotionally!
So this week I’ve been on edge waiting for the inevitable message about seeing the children – one child. It came today but it was a message to say he is sad but he can’t see them this weekend as he has had an accident on his bike and injured himself. He wants to see them next weekend instead. But now I feel like I have had all of this week on edge and now it prolongs into all of next week aswell. I worded it carefully and said we could rearrange next week. I also said I was concerned at the impact on both children of him seeing one child overnight and not the other, he takes one and leaves the younger one with me. Started off no cot, then he said there wasn’t much there yet (!) then last time I saw him he messaged and said it was my fault he had no relationship with the baby due to the age I took him. It concerns me his true reasons for not taking both children whatever they may be and also, there are two children, you don’t get to pick and choose. I said you need to have the same level of contact with both going forward. He replied I doubt I will ever be involved enough to have any impact but we can talk but for now he is still too little (he is a toddler, walking etc). I don’t get what is going on in his head really and don’t know how to tackle it as actually, awful as it is, the more I educate myself the more I wonder what the best outcome is plus I don’t know how his general state of mind is, I just go round in circles. I am relieved to not have to deal with it all this weekend now but it just goes on into next weekend now plus I am uncomfortable for him to have the baby due to his attitude and lack of experience of looking after him but I am also uncomfortable with him rejecting our baby and idealizing our slightly older child, neither is good for either child’s emotional well being!
I have always made it clear that I no longer wish to live with him but he is still their father etc etc. but in between times he doesn’t ring them, just sends me inappropriate messages to read out to them and give them a hug from me type stuff.
I just feel so confused by it all. What does it all sound like to you? What is he doing with himself all day and all night?! I like having no contact with him but it confuses and worries me aswell and I don’t know what to do about the children when I don’t really know what I am dealing with with him/his lifestyle/his state of mind, I don’t know if I have the concerns I think I have because I am not there so I just go round and round with it all.
x
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Listen to your instincts.
It’s not fair in you or the children this as hoc arrangement and because of your concerns around his mental stability and levels of drinking, you have every right to make contact arrangements that are predictable and not overnight.
If they are not overnight he has no reason to refuse the toddler. You can provide everything for a day out with him, is there someone you trust to accompany him, or do the handover so you don’t have to have any contact with him?
You cannot live life still on egg-shells. The only way is to take control, offer the dates you have available, for every other week or so, and that’s its to be a day, so he can have toddler, rather than overnights because of his heavy drinking.
I think I also remember Lisa saying about getting a contact order, this way the police can act to protect your children if he refused to brig them back to abuse you. It happened to me. It happens and quite commonly I think. I know you are living on the edge around him having them/returning them, and its still abuse. No desperately need to stay away from him, and remove contact to a third party. All of this, that you are doing, ended ver badly for me when I kept trying to do the same. They have no boundaries and delight in cruelty. Try speaking to Rights of Women to get a formal agreement in place.
Warmest wishes ts
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Thank you for replying. I just never seem to get anywhere with this.
How can I say about the drinking if it’s only assumptions though? Our older child has always had a nice time going and has come to no harm but I do have concerns about the splitting up of the children and I wonder how he is in general. But he could be living a very respectable life, I’m just not certain he is. I wish I could follow him for a week!!
x
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He’s still the same man he was when he was with you. Nothing has changed apart from where he lives. He missed his weekend so he waits another fortnight. Tell him the date/time of pick up then turn your phone off. Your younger child can visit when they are a little older and when your ex can be reliable. It breaks children’s heart when they get let down like this so don’t tell them in advance as I can see this unpredictable behaviour getting worse. Hell would not stop me seeing my children. Falling off his bike is just an excuse.
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You said: just sends me inappropriate messages to read out to them and give them a hug from me type stuff.
Weird and very wrong. Like you say, inappropriate! It’s all about contact with you.
I really think you need t control the contact,like KIP says, or you’ll go round for ever doing yourself and your children no good.
He drove me into the ground with contact arrangements, nothing was ever right. And could never be.
Stick with what you feel comfortable with, without worrying about his reaction to it.
I know that’s a lot easier said than done, but its putting the children first.
Warmest wishes ts
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I did wonder if the bike thing was true and then a whole load of things came into my head, were you drunk, have you got into a fight, have you been on such a bender that you know you’re not capable of having them, the bike thing seemed odd it would stop him having a small boy to stay one night?
Yes he sends diatribes to read to our older child mixed in with put downs or digs about “Mummy” so clearly I’m not going to read them out?!
I’ve struggled to get through to Rights of Women this week. I’ll keep trying.
He’s being very quiet and secretive I think, I mean I don’t expect him to tell me what he’s up to but it just feels odd even from over an hour away. Weird. I feel weird.
Xx
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Do you think it’s right then that he only takes the older child and doesn’t bother having the younger one? My outreach worker said she was concerned about the impact on the children as am I but I’m concerned he would neglect our younger child if he stayed too so I feel stuck. I feel I think he should see both in the day but I know a court order would probably say every other weekend so we’re now in this ad hoc taking half the children overnight and not seeing the other one.
x
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What is the point in forcing someone to look after a child, even their child, when they clearly don’t want to. Can you imaging the impact on the unwanted child. It speaks volumes to me that he’s not breaking his back looking for employment to support his children. Already breaking his time with them and not even bothering with one. Using hurtful excuses. I think he’s unreliable at the best and children need continuity. It’s early days but he is giving you a taste of what is to come. Ask yourself why you think it’s important that he sees the youngest? Is it societal pressure because I think your youngest will do so much better having no contact. He/she has you. A loving caring parent is a secure environment. You’ve given him every opportunity. Keep a journal,of all the let downs and put downs. My gut tells me he’s found someone else and contact will slowly disappear while he works on his next victim. Lean on your outreach worker for advice. You’re still way to vulnerable to make important decisions. Meantime offer the next fortnight and turn your phone off. In my opinion you’ve already wasted too much energy on him.
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Have you read Child first; safe child contact its written by women’s aid? It basically questions in essence rights of the father over responsibility. Do you feel that your ex is in a responsible place in his life to have your little boy? let a lone your toddler. That is the question I asked myself when I was going through this. It was court ordered but as time went on I did realise this was all about getting to me. He let my wee one down consistently once I was taken out of the equation( as handover was at a contact centre and I had a third party phone for emergencies) his cancellations had a double impact on her. xx
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You know KIP you are so right. It is a chilling thought that he has maybe moved on to his next victim. But it is an escape route and I would take it. Best thing that ever happened to me was my ex moving on. I did feel sorry for victim number two however xx
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I did wonder this myself. But then I never had him down as someone who is confident with women etc he wasn’t a cheater as such, that wasn’t really in his make up, much more covert narc, introverted, antisocial really but then maybe I never really knew the real him, I don’t even know anymore. He withheld affection and we didn’t have sex hardly atall in the end. Put it down to him being depressed about unemployment. I don’t think he was getting it elsewhere but I wonder if he was withholding it from me for some reason, I don’t know, it’s so confusing.
It says they move on to new supply but I just don’t see it in him. But yes it crossed my mind too. I have no idea what he does anymore. He’s like a stranger but I guess he feels the same about me as he doesn’t get the low contact grey rock thing, I haven’t explained it, I’ve just done it as best I can.
It’s a mind melt the whole thing isn’t it x
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Indeed it is! My ex swiftly moved on, but it didn’t stop him. I thought, despite my own emotions about that, that children would be safe to have someone else around, ad actually anything gat was said after contact was her call-in hm on things, somehow the children really noticed his behaviours through her commenting. Like why you ignoring, or why they upset, an so on.
Sadly, the abuse still escalated and I couldn’t understand, as it seed how now had everything, a ready made new family, by children told all the probs happening were her falt and he was caught in the middle of all these waring women, ha!
So you see how they work!
Keep at it, that’s good reading to help your decisions to ensure youcan be seen to be acting very appropriately, and him not!
Make sure he can’t keep texting, this continually lets him onto your head, and the one poiy of being apart is to stay apart, mentally anemotionally.
Warmest wishes ts
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