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    • #173455
      ChewyDog4
      Participant

      How do I get through dark moments. I just remember to keep going, one foot at a time.

      Hi friends, I am new to WA and this is my story.

       

      The question I always come back to is it me or is he abusive.  Sometimes this is crystal clear but a lot of the time I think yes Ok he does have a point – he does not feel respected or loved or a priority, he feels lonely, and I put everyone before him. And I need to work on that. When you read other forums and these are all horrible traits to have – I ask myself is that me do I do that, I am awful.  But no I am just stuck in a viscous circle.

       

      This is my life:

       

      He devalues me.

      He tells me it is not the children’s fault it is my fault.

      He tells me that I do not have the family values that he believes in.

      He called me a c**t.

      He rages at me in front of my children.

      His rage is controlled in front of his daughter.

      Living with me is like living in a prison.

      He listens to my conversations with my children and then accuses me of not disciplining them properly.

      He uses these interactions as weapons to tell me why I am truly not a good mother.

      My child tiptoes around him.

      He calls me a c**t again.

      We lie to him about sweets, drinks, food, snacks etc.

      My child sneaks around so they do not disturb him whilst they hare making snacks or getting pop.

      He wants to be charge of the food and drink, he racks this up.

      He wants to be in charge of the conversation at the dinner table.

      He does not like anyone taking the mickey out of him.

      He stamps his foot, he says this is rude.

      My children see me sad.

      My children have seen me cry because of our relationship.

      We think about him and his feelings and his reactions before we do anything, and I mean anything.

      The children think he can be mean, that he is a hypocrite.

      I give my children money without telling him.

      I let my children do what they want without telling him.

      He is generous.

      He is funny.

      He is kind.

      He remembers everything I have done and will use this to hurt me.

      I don’t know when he is going to explode.

      I stopped drinking years ago because I have to be on alert to his mood.

      He has ruined every family or friend occasion that I can remember.

      He is loving.

      I am high alert when the boys are playing in their rooms, are they too loud gaming, are they banging.

      My heart sinks when my older boy goes out.

      I look at pictures of myself f and my children from previous years and remember being that woman, that carefree, that happy all the time.

      I can’t remember the last I laughed properly.

      The tone of his voice when I get a parcel or package.

      The judgement is always lurking somewhere, and I am so very aware of it.

      He thinks I am an awful mother, I do not and have never believed him.

      I have screamed and shouted at my children because I just did even when it did not sit right.

      He has lied about conversations that he has had with the children.

      I do not know if he really likes my children.

      When things are good between us, they are amazing.

      I never see my family and friends anymore.

      My family and friends have long since stopped coming to my home.

      My family and friends love me, they want me to see that I am in an traumatic relationship.

      He was mean to my child on purpose.

      He made my child cry on <em>(occasion removed by Moderator)</em>.

      Is it me.

      I am the abuser.

      Don’t I listen?

      Do I snap and be moody with him.

      Do I not respect him.

      It is not ok to insult me but is he trying to tell me he is not feeling loved.

      I am not a bad mum.

      He threatens me, how can I ever be vulnerable with him.

      He is nasty to me as and when depending on the narrative.

      I never tell him anything anymore.

      Is this abuse?

      Is it me?

      Do I moan too much?

      He has bouts of generosity.

      He is knowingly hurtful.

      I do not disrespect him on purpose, and I say sorry if I have been hurtful. I forget about it.

      He never ever ever ever forgets what he perceives as my mistakes or imperfections.

      He must be my priority all of the time.

       

      He blows up and tells me why he is not happy with me.

      -Am I the controlling one, I like to do things my way.

      -His voice is never heard.

      -Do I make him feel small and insignificant.

      -He is jealous of any male I interact with, and this could ruin our whole evening.

      -He hates his life with me, it is like a prison.

      -Everything he does for the family is so we can have a happy life.

      -I never pull a face to anyone else but to him I do.

      -I never snap at anyone else but to him I do.

      -I let the kids do what they want, that is my fault not theirs.

      -I am a c**t.

      -I did not realise I did all these things.

      -He does not want to be with me.

      -I thought everything was ok.

      When he goes after a while, I always convince him to come back, I can’t live without him.

      It is passionate and loving.

      It is normal.

      When I am not expecting it he blows up.

      I have been doing things wrong again.

       

      I have started the divorce, but I will go back again.

       

      No one can understand why I go back – They are my children not his, I have a healthy income and pension, we have enough assets to go our separate ways. I do not need him materialistically.

       

      I do not know.

      I really do not know.

       

      Sometimes it feels like the cogs are fitting into place and my mind is in the right frame. I have read and re read Lundys book and sometimes I really do think I am getting over the line. I know I do not want to waste any more years with him. Regardless of all the above no one is happy.

       

      But then nothing else matters at all but making it right with him.

       

      Start again…

    • #173490
      EvenSerpentsShine
      Participant

      some of the posts on this forum have talked about this. How difficult it is to see that the nice stuff is also part of the cycle of abuse. If they were nothing but nasty all the time, we wouldn’t ever get caught in these relationships. The balance of nice and nasty is always changing depending on how threatened or safe they are feeling in our affections at any time. If you end the relationship the ‘nice’ behavior really starts to dominate until they get you back.
      Don’t feel alone because you feel confused, and because you wonder whether it’s you. That’s part of it and I’m quite sure that all the women here have felt that at some time.

      If you genuinely believe that he thinks you are ruining his life and he’d be better off without you, then the most loving and kind thing that you can do is leave him and let him get on with living his ‘best life’. If you believe that it’s him abusing you then the most loving and kind thing that you can do (for yourself) is to leave him. I know it’s not that easy in reality but in the end this logic may win out for you if you feel that you’re stuck.

      i feel for you, keep posting . it’s such a confusing place to be.

    • #173492
      Better-days
      Participant

      Quite a lot of your points I can relate too so much and reading them like that is quite scary. I like how you put the good points in as all of our partners can be very nice sometimes and that’s the cycle. Youv been very strong if u started divorce and if u are in good financial position you are so lucky easy for me to say but leave and become the strongest version of yourself. I feel so trapped through finance and housing situation. I hope ur ok x

    • #173538
      Lightwunderkind20
      Participant

      Your post really resonates with me. I have recently left my relationship which sometimes i am convinced now, was abusive. I say sometimes because my mind flips from being convinced to being full of doubts.

      I did try to decide that it didn’t matter- people leave relationships all the time, it doesn’t have to be because of that. But actually, I think it’s quite important to recognise it because I still have to deal with him day in and day out. He is still trying to convince me to give him another chance (even though he’s had so many)

      I read the Lundy book, which i found helpful. But i am half-way through a book by Emma Rose Byham called “Was it even abuse?”. I have found this book so helpful (so far). It is literally like someone has taken my inner thoughts and put them in a book. I would really recommend it to help you get some clarity around your situation. I am already planning to read it again and i haven’t finished it yet.

       

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