Viewing 9 reply threads
  • Author
    • #19234

      To end the day where I pine and long for my ex, I receive one missed call which makes my blood turn cold. I didn’t answer it. I won’t return the call. I thought that because I hadn’t heard from him for (detail removed by Moderator) days then that was it. I am trying to get on with grieving for the end of the relationship but he has popped up again. I have read the No Contact book which has alerted me to the fact that he might pop up occasionally. This is going to go one of two ways. Either he makes sporadic contact which fades out or he suddenly loses the plot one day and turns up at my house. Without being too specific, he has a history of extreme violence, he is mentally ill (the reason I excused his behaviour for so long) but it’s not being treated and he is governed by specific conditions. I think he has too much to lose to risk it by stalking me too intensively- one call to the authorities and he would be severely reprimanded. To be fair he has already risked his freedom by assaulting me but he didn’t seem to care at that point. But I don’t want to have to be the person who sends him back to jail, I feel i would be looking over my shoulder for the rest of my life and so I am monitoring the situation hoping that he just fades out. I am sticking to no contact. He is not local to me which Diminishes the risk I think but then I don’t know if I am still wearing my rose tinted specs and am not the best person to judge the risk – I am still trying to protect him from the consequences of his behaviour through misguided love and also fear. I am just going to keep monitoring things and keep my guard up. I don’t think he has ever been dumped before- he describes the fact that he is used to multiple women fighting over him so this no contact thing might be a new experience for him. The phone only rang twice but I think he is probably testing the water to see if I am actually going to bite.

    • #19238

      Dear Alice, why don’t you get yourself into a refuge? you can stay for up to 6 months while your mental strength is increasing. He sounds dangerous. The Devils Toolkit, HG Tudor speaks about rose tinted specs. No Contact is the ultimate recovery tool but it is also like a red rag to a bull to n********t, you may have the “Grand Hoover” coming…………Please be careful i’m worried for you. My ex was quietly crazy and deranged, not physical and he didn’t bother me by contact etc. Yours sounds different to what i dealt with.

    • #19243

      I have had the grand hoover. It was quite something- it felt like being under seige. The local WA lady said that the silence may just be a ploy as in a previous split I contacted him when he went quiet so he knows I find the no contact hard. The grand Hoover was coming from all different directions but then it just stopped suddenly. If he steps foot on my property or if I see him I will phone the police. I just monitoring things. He knows the consequences so I am hoping he makes the right decisions and doesn’t force me to take action. I don’t want to do that to him so I am just hoping no contact sends the right message. I am being risk assessed next week by freedom programme so I am not sure what they are going to say. I cannot believe I am in this situation I just want a quiet peaceful life x

    • #19246

      I heard about a new book today, can’t wait to start reading it. Covert Emotional Manipulation Exposed!: The Underhanded Mind Control Tactics That All Manipulators Use to Take Control in Personal Relationships Its free to read on Amazon.

      Alice i feel that I have overcome some HUGE hurdles over the last few days with this nonsense that has been plaguing my life for 4 months. There is light at the end of the tunnel but you really need to go through the s**t and mental torture on the way, don’t forget, severe greiving, deeply missing them (I believe my ex knew my vulnerabilities and maxed them out, his silence cut me like a knife), deeply longing for them. If yours is like my ex, he will keep up his silence. Stay strong we are here for you. X*X

    • #19250

      Well I had hoped the silence would continue but he broke it tonight. Hopefully that will be it- I will just keep alert. I think he will try another tactic soon so I am ready. I am clearly on his mind- I hope that he moves on soon. It’s a bit creepy. I don’t like to think of him upset or hurting, despite what he has done.

    • #19252

      Thank you HA X it’s such a nightmare!!

    • #19254

      No,i know. I just wrote a post about what I’d like to say to my ex, get stuffed sort of thing. But at the same time I wouldn’t really want to say that as I do care still and feel that he is damaged which makes me sad for him. All of the books, i think there are about 18 are excellent at understanding them and what is happening. They are short e books so don’t take long to read. The Devils Toolkit is great for these devious tactics your ex may be planning X

    • #19264

      Hello there, I would recommend you report every call to the police right away. They need to establish a pattern of behaviour to do anything so don’t leave it. Phone 101 right away and report the unwanted contact. You might think you are helping him by not reporting it but you are wrong. I’ve been where you are. I read a great article, which I wish I’d kept. It was about throwing everything at these abusers, letting them away with nothing. While they are dealing with the law, or solicitors etc, they have less time to concentrate on us. Keep sending the message that your door is firmly shut and will never be re opened, no matter how much he pesters, or stalks you. His behaviour will just escalate unless you nip it in the bud. If you don’t want to do this, how about changing your number? Or at least ring 101 for advice. We don’t think clearly where emotions are involved and your ex sounds dangerous.

    • #19265


      Yes without a doubt he is potentially dangerous. I have had one call after an 8 day silence- I will stick to No Contact and speak to the risk assessment people when I see them. He has very strict conditions about how he has to behave and where he can and cannot go to do with a previous crime so one call to the police and he would be arrested and thrown back in jail- but then I think he would hate me forever as it would be my fault and his (in his eyes)and I would always have to look over my shoulder. I am just hoping it all fades away with no drama xx thank

    • #19266

      Dear Alice, I broke No Contact with my ex one week ago, purely to wish him well. The next day and for a few days afterwards I had an overwhelming feeling of dread, fear and anxiety. The thought of having any contact with him made me feel frightened and unsettled my then more happier and calmer mental state. After a while though, when I saw that he had not replied the feelings of horror subsided and I’m now getting back to normal. These horrible feelings that you are having after getting that phone call are natural, you are determined to get him out of your life, as I were. Try not to go back, go through the coming days, weeks and months which will present you with huge challenges but which you can overcome. X*X

Viewing 9 reply threads
  • You must be logged in to reply to this topic.

© 2024 Women's Aid Federation of England – Women’s Aid is a company limited by guarantee registered in England No: 3171880.

Women’s Aid is a registered charity in England No. 1054154

Terms & conditionsPrivacy & cookie policySite mapProtect yourself onlineMedia │ JobsAccessibility Guide

Log in with your credentials


Forgot your details?

Create Account

Skip to content