One of those days

[Cupcake123]

Hi,
Today is a bad day and I feel like it’s going to continue all day this is the week I dread once his (detail removed by moderator) he goes into dark mood nit picking at me threatening to hit me if I don’t change facial expression etc today it starts because I didn’t (detail removed by moderator) voice notes messages for hours shouting at me name calling tell me how I’m not soft and calm like a women how I’m so manly always competing with him everything I said back he says I’m trying to play the victim and that he doesn’t care always putting me down telling me how I’m lazy even though I don’t stop and constantly do everything for him! I just feel so sad, lonely and tired with all this when his mood is good everything good when he not in a good mood I know I’m going to pay for it. I have no friends and I just feel like I’m so alone in this world he says I shouldn’t be on my phone all the time that’s another thing he started over today and because when I finish work I just chill for the evening even tho he does (detail removed by moderator) and then does nothing for the rest of the day I just feel like is there may point in this anymore but then I’m scared of how alone I’ll be even more so.
Thank you for listening

[Casterbridge]

I’m listening and really feel for you. Please now listen to me. (detail removed by moderator) I’ve been in an abusive relationship. I mourn those lost years. I was outgoing, fit active and well balanced at first. Fast forward (detail removed by moderator), I now suffer with anxiety and a host of physical issues, i barely leave the house and have few friends. I feel suicidal at times. In the beginning I made excuses for my partner, his actions and criticisms I put down to poor social skills. I hoped he’d change over time, he didn’t. I thought he’d reciprocate my love and devotion. He never did, he just took more and more of me, learning new and improved ways of manipulating and controlling. He considers himself totally superior and his needs should always come first. Yes, like you, I experienced times of happiness, at family events for example. I put up with the bad times in order to cling to the few good times. The abuse has taken many forms over the years and has deeply hurt me and impacted on my mental and physical health. I’m now ready to leave, such a difficult decision to come to terms with. I share your fear of loneliness but then I lie on my bed, close my eyes and imagine how my days would be spent without him. The thought of leading a life free of him can only benefit me. I reached this point through counselling and support from local organisations. I believe support is imperative. Change is in your hands, you might not be ready yet but I’d hate to think of you or anyone else waiting so long as me before they were to end an abusive relationship. Try and do something nice for yourself today, read a magazine, have a bubble bath, anything that gives you some pleasure. Finally there are nice people in the world that would welcome your friendship.

[gettingtired]

Hey, I’m so sorry to read about the terrible impact the abuse has had on you. I’m glad that you’re now feeling ready to leave.
Can I ask how you started to feel ready? I’m still with him and putting on a front (although he is suspicious and I think knows I don’t want to be with him). There’s a potential date coming up soon where he’ll actually be out of the house without me (not definite yet but possible) which means I could move my stuff out and flee with our pet. I’m so scared I won’t be able to make the move though. Out of fear and guilt (especially guilt). I haven’t had any counselling or support from a DA charity as it’s difficult to get much time away from him for private conversations. I also don’t have a local women’s aid and the local DA charity I called last year weren’t helpful. Sorry, hope I haven’t hijacked this post too much xx

[Wildsoul]

The more your eyes open up to the abuse, the more abusive they get as they see their power slipping. You are reaching the stage of leaving, use the feelings from the abuse to propel you into leaving. Don’t leave it to long and try not to get sucked back by the crumbs of “love” they give out.

[Watersprite]

Hello ! No wonder you feel so low he is abusive and isolating you -I’m so sorry. You are taking such huge steps even though you may not realise it -being on here educating yourself. My experience is abusers don’t change they get worse. Leaving is scary being alone is hard but the loneliness fear and stress of being in an abusive relationship is like nothing else. You deserve freedom and friends and no more drama. Keep posting speak to women’s aid they will support you and help you to leave safely when you are ready x

[gettingtired]

Hello, sorry to hear of your situation. It sounds like you’re having a terrible time. I can relate to this post and the comments so well.
Are you able to keep these voice notes of him shouting saved on your phone? It could be useful as evidence if you need it in the future.
It’s worth reading up on the cycle of abuse, the power and control wheel and trauma bonding if you haven’t already. The book Why does he do that? by Lundy Bancroft is a huge eye opener and available to download online.
Also, if you can, try keeping a journal of the abuse, if it’s not safe to write down as a physical copy you could send it in emails to yourself. That’s what I’ve started doing as I got paranoid I’d leave the diary out or he would find it.
I know how you feel about worrying you’ll be lonely as I feel the same. I struggle to take my own advice but thinking of it for someone else’s situation I’d say it will be worth not having to live in terror. Restrictions are lifting soon so socialising will be easier. Perhaps you could re-connect with old friends or start a new hobby for yourself. One of the problems with living in abuse is that our minds become preoccupied with what’s going on, what’s going to happen next, trying to keep the peace, trying to avoid the next verbal/physical attack etc. Nothing we do will stop the abuse though.
I don’t know about you but I often daydream about the things I’d like to do such as hobbies, socialising or volunteering that I just don’t feel I have the space in my mind to think about whilst I’m still with him. It’s just about trying to survive whilst we’re still in it.
Sorry if I’ve rambled on a bit.
I find posting on the forum helps me to validate the situation I’m in so keep posting if you need any support/advice. You’re not alone x*x

[Cupcake123]

Thank you all so much for your replies I am keeping the voice notes but I’m too paranoid to keep anything written down just in case he finds it. I just feel like we have one good day when he is nice to me then it’s followed by loads of bad days just name calling putting me down but then saying I’m the issue for the problems even though I’m telling him it’s the way he treating me he doesn’t listen or want to hear it it’s always my fault and I need to be better and make the changes everyday it’s something it feels like lately and I just feel so drained and down with it all and when I tell him this he say I’m playing the victim!

You’re all so kind with you’re comments and your advise I just worry I won’t bite the bullet and leave as stupid as it sounds I don’t want to be on my own and lonely even if I am unhappy in this situation I know it sounds crazy I’m getting to the point now where I just do not like him and I feel horrible for that because im not that type of person I just feel so stuck

[gettingtired]

Trying to get him to see your point of view is simply a waste of time. They will twist things round onto us, gaslight, blame, play victim, accuse, attack, defend etc.
Once I starting reading up on abuse and the books recommended on here I realised it’s a waste of energy. I know you probably desperately want him to see your point of view so that he can change but abusers aren’t interested in being in a balanced relationship where you talk things over and work together as a team.
I don’t know about you but there’s been so many arguments that have happened in the past where I don’t even know what started it or what the argument was about by the end. Also, nothing ever really gets resolved so just continues into the next bl*w up.
I’ve been feeling quite down lately with it all and really guilty for thinking of leaving him. However, someone on the forum suggested I write down how I’d like to see my life in 5 years time. I found this too scary so instead wrote small lists of things I could enjoy if I wasn’t with him. Like re-connecting with old friends, starting a new hobby, doing what I want with my day, cooking what I want etc. All things that are dictated in some way by him. Writing those lists may just be something small and not going to solve all my problems but it’s helped me realise there’s a life out there that I can live for myself. You could try little things like that. Or writing down the pros and cons of being with him. I was suprised at how difficult it was to think of any pros to being with him! The cons list was huge. Xxxx

[OUTTHEOTHERSIDE]

Hi Cupcake123
I know exactly how ur feeling im going through the same this week as husband is off. Its just constant nastyness and threats. I was also to worried keeping a journal in the house so what I have done is set up a secret new email address. There is a app called the brightsky app which i right my journal on and it sends it to that email address.

[gettingtired]

Hey I got too paranoid writing in a physical journal so started writing emails and sending them to my email address then saving them into a folder in my inbox. You could just create a folder and name it ‘bills’ or ‘car insurance’ or something boring like that (that’s if he goes through your phone or anything) xx

[Author]

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