One step forward, one step back

[Mixedup]

I’ve been off work 2 weeks now. Stress the doctor said. I’m not depressed but am over stressed. 2 weeks off so I can try to get some clarity, to understand if I’m to blame. To get my head off the fact that I can see how much of a ghost I’ve become.
I know what my ex did was mild, it could have been worse. I don’t even hold any anger or ill will towards him anymore. Hearing stories from other women, and the workshops I did helped with that.
But I still hold a lot of guilt to myself for putting my children through it, for not seeing what the arguing was doing to them. For not getting out when he first started grabbing me, for staying and then they witnessed the violence, and it wasn’t just arguing.
My guilt has lessened by seeing them so well adjusted to our separation.
I feel a bit better about myself, was able to paint my nails bright pink, without physically throwing up (something I haven’t been able to do a while. I haven’t felt that person, felt that brightness. )
I still feel a bit disconnected, still feel sick at someone standing behind me. But I can be a bit more hopeful for the future.
Today was difficult, he has found a place near us, to be close to the kids. I am happy for the kids, but feel lonely, kind of beaten down wishing things could have been different. Why? Why did he need to become violent? Why allow himself to be that person? To turn us to this? I feel so much confusion, I’m scared to go back tomorrow. I’m scared of becoming that person I was a couple weeks ago. I think I’m a tiny bit more scared to become the new person that I can feel building.
I’m scared that she’s not a nice one, I’m scared that he’s right and I’m this awful person tests been abusing him and that’s why it’s led to this. I’m scared that I can’t, or am unable, to see this not nice person that I am. Mostly I’m just scared.

[Anonymous]

Please don’t blame yourself for what he did. Whether we do everything right or everything wrong we’re always in the wrong. Please hold onto who you’ve become and celebrate that.
I found it very hard having my ex come back to near me and I thought it would take away from everything I’ve done but I’m still me and being able to shut the front door and know that he can’t come in unless I let him and I’m safe keeps me going.

[Mixedup]

I’m trying to hold onto that. That I can close the door and it helps, so much. Knowing I’ve made that break works, and I can recognise that I’ve made that hardest step, that I’ve gone and kept gone. We’ve been officially, and literally separated since around May 25th.
But I make these steps forward and then something happens that makes me feel like it’s giant steps backwards.
I don’t know me, I don’t know how to find me, because I’m truly scared that when I find me I will realise that he’s right.
That I’m the reason for all this.
That I’m the one that abused him.
How do I overcome that?
I can understand the violence, there is no excuse that’s all on him. But the accusations, and criticisms- is it because I made him? Was I so unkind? Did he just give me what I gave him?

[iwillbeok]

Hi Mixed up, I could hear so much of myself in your post! My abuse was so long-term and so subtle, it was only at the end when it escalated quite suddenly at the end into sexual abuse that the scales fell from my eyes and his mask was removed to reveal his ugly truth beneath.

I have started counselling and one of my aims is to forgive myself for my part in this – if there truly is one? I too feel the guilt – for not living up to what he expexted (how could I ever?), for not being able to see through his fake self sooner, for raising my children in such a toxic, negative environment, for not being the advocate for them I should have been when his abuse fell on them, for not standing up to him sooner when the abuse escalated.

But, I am trying to change my thinking, that guilt is a wasted emotion – to own my (genuine) mistakes, be gentle with myself and lay the appropriate blame right at his feet. He chose to behave this way; he chose to attempt to break me; he chose to degrade and humiliate me. Regardless of what I had done ‘wrong’ (a whole other discussion!) I did not deserve what he did to me. No-one does.

I also feel what you say regards the new people (our true selves) that we fear might be the “not nice one” the one was doing the abusing.. this is a result of the projection and gaslighting they put us through – I was constantly being accused of being the grumpy one (even when I was happy), he had to walk on eggshells around me, I was the *only* person he had issues communicating with, I was manipulative …

At the end of the day, even if I wasn’t the nicest of people, he was the one who was arrested, he was the one who spent the night in a police cell, he was the one whohad a non mol served on him.. not me.

Don’t be afraid of the “not so nice” you – she is the one who has your best interests at heart. She is the one who will protect you. She is the one who says “Enough. I won’t allow you to hurt me anymore.” She is your “boundaries”. She is “your gut”. Listen to her.

Stay strong xx

[Mixedup]

Thank you, so much for that. I need to remember that right? If I’m the one doing wrong, why wouldn’t he want me talking to people? Why would he say that our problems only started when I started talking to people? Isn’t it normal to confide in people, friends, the difficulties in our relationship?
And if I’m trying to stop my kids, and the kids in work from behaving in a certain way why would I not start realising and placing those boundaries with him too.
He is right I did change when I started working, but only because I realised we don’t accept you made me do it from a 7 year old- then it’s not acceptable in a grown man.
He came round last night, wanting me to take his puppy whilst he was at work (he had to take it back, our son was scared, I was going to take dog to battersea), but when I tried to say no. Why aren’t you helping me out, I’m going to be evicted, homeless again. I’ve been helping you out. (He’s been giving me £50 for each for last 2 weeks, for his children) I don’t know what that’s like, I’m just trying to start an argument by not doing what he needs.
I already had a headache when he turned up, by time he left I was a mess of nerves and had a migraine. When does he stop effecting me? How do I just let it go? Do I really need to do something as drastic as a contact centre, just for me to be able to move forward?

[KIP.]

Hey mixed up. Ive been through this nightmare for x years and been on this forum for over two years and if there is one thing i have learned that any sort of contact with these men is absolutely toxic. Youre beginning to see how his dysfunctional arguments and behaviour drastically affects your mental health so yes, a contact centre. No contact and time are what have healed me much more quickly. How dare he turn up and try to emotianally blackmail you with a puppy? If he can afford a dog he can afford to give you more money. I remember reading this “arguing with an abuser is like playing chess with a pidgeon, even when the lose, the knock over the pieces, sh*t on the board and strut around like they have won”. Its crazy making behaviour. Given time away from him you will truely see how pathetic he really is. You have the right to feel safe, to make your own choices, to ask for help, to speak to whoever you like. Please be careful as when my ex realised he was losing control he became physically violent. Up until then it was mostly threats of violence. Hurting my pet, clenched fist etc but there is a red mist that comes over these men. I was warned but was just to traumatised to see it coming. Time to take back control. Youre in charge x

[Mixedup]

Thank you. I am learning, I know I am starting to place my boundaries in- and put them in. I’m realising we have such different views to parenting, to what is acceptable. I won’t let him run over me, or railroad me. Even things as simple as a to programme, what to do on the weekend I would be indecisive on, I realise now it wasn’t just my shyness. Half of me thinks contact centre, half thinks that’s a drastic step to take at present.
His behaviour has to give way at some point when he realises it doesn’t work?
Would he resort to violence when it’s now the threat of prison?
I don’t rule out that he could be violent towards me, I’ve steps in place to protect myself. I remind myself that these steps aren’t paranoia because he has been violent to me before.

[Mixedup]

I think I had a breakthrough, and I’m scared that I made things worse. I’m scared of what it means. (detail removed by moderator) I feel guilty now, like I was being irrational? I don’t know if I was, I don’t know if feeling that it is a breakthrough is how I should be feeling?
I was angry at him before that because of how he was treating our children, he told them he would give them money, then went back on that when asked. He told them he would take them to play (detail removed by moderator), then went back on that. He told them he would buy them a phone weeks ago, which they still ask for and he always has an excuse why would you tell a  (age removed by moderator) year old you would buy them a phone. I’m angry because he so charmingly tries to force my (detail removed by moderator) year old into a haircut, upsets him, in a shop he doesn’t like then says he won’t force him if he doesn’t want to, but has already upset him. I feel like all this anger towards him, as made me lash ut in a situation that didn’t require it. I feel like I shouldn’t have yelled, and it was only a drive in the car, it was only a small thing. But then we aren’t together any more, we are not a couple- he shouldn’t be deciding that for me right?

[Confused123]

hey hun

Just do what feels right to you, trust your gut, these men are so good at breakign our self esteem that even when we have left them , their words are rooted deep within us, slowly u will trust yourself more and accept your decisions are right. I t. Think any contact with them is enough to f us off, so u really are doing well hun

To get over what they did, i would say take counselling up as long as u need, best advice i give to all , really helped me loads

[Pondlife]

Oh you poor love.

You are still really suffering from being abused, and can’t draw a line because he is still there, in your life, effecting what you do, scaring you, and the worse thing, upsetting your kids! Its terrible as KIP says, crazymaking behaviour.

Please please try and restrict his access to the kids to a contact centre? Then you can feel more relaxed when he is looking after them. He will regulate his behaviour in a public space.

Its very normal for you to blame yourself. It isn’t your fault. Nothing anyone does is a justification for abuse. Its hard to see when its yourself- try thinking about it differently. Imagine your sister or your daughter were telling you that he had done to them all the things which he did to you- then imagine they then said, but its my fault, because I did… xyz. You would be outraged and also I bet be horrified that they blamed themself. Please extend that to yourself. Its not your fault, it never is.

Take care of yourself. Get as much help as you can. Remember, the more help you get and support, the better you will be, and your kids will benefit. If you ever think “I don’t deserve this help” or “Its too much of a fuss”, just think, no, its not, because this help isnt just for me, its for my kids. They deserve help and love and the best.

Good luck and big hugs x*x

[Author]

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