One step forward or a jump back???

[Anabela]

I am one step from ending the relationship. And one step from moving in with him and making the biggest mistake of my life….. And I don’t know which way I am gonna turn.
Yes, I love him still. The man I met. The good side of him..
And I am so angry at him.
And I feel I am so messed up. One part of me understands very well the situation. Another part of me does not understand anything.
Last weekend we had a big argument. It’s started from something not that serious, but it exploded. It was one of the many arguments, but it just seemed that it is one argument too many this time… I was being called names, I tried to leave the car and go home, but he called me back so that he could carry on about how b***h i am and what a big mistake of his life… etc etc etc. He broke my confidence (at first I jumped out of the car saying I am f*****g off your life), but then slowly slowly he made me feel worse and worse about myself. Why did I get back into that car, I dont know, but I guess I had to. The next day the argument continued…It’s always like that…. and we can argue for hours. And there is nothing more draining than that…..
We did not talk much throughout the week, i think I tried to avoid him. But he did not feel that there is anything he has to apologise for. I rarely insist on apology. But I hate so much how justified he feels. To treat me like s**t… Of course it is my fault in his view. I dont know, maybe it is.. It does take two to Tango, isn’t it….. He did assume that we are just going to move in as planned…..
The last few times when we were talking, he was just blaming me for many things, and saying he is not gonna beg me. And if i dont live with him, then this is it…
I mean, I am not all good. I am not the easiest to talk to. I am not good at saying my opinion straight….. When I gave him a second chance, i did not fully come back to him….
I want to be loved and respected. And I do love him and fear the pain that’s gonna come after the proper break up….
I wish I could hide under my bed and pretend that all my past few years were a dream. I wish I could be a child that Mum is capable to protect from everything…..

[wakingup]

Anabela…… leave. I was with mine and had the same thing said to me about moving in together. So I remortaged my home and he put nothing in to buy this beautiful home we are now in. It’s was on the market and luckily been sold and I’m living in hell till it goes. I had had enough of the verbal abuse and emotional abuse which turned to financial abuse. It gets worse. He immediately went on the look for someone else and [detail removed by moderator] took someone away. He left the evidence in full view for me to see. He’s been leaving things waiting for me to give a reaction and in the past when he was doing things like going on dating websites trying to hurt me i would confront him and declare my undying love so this time i didnt and I haven’t. While he was away I stripped our bedroom where he is sleeping bare of all the homely things I had bought. Why should he do that to me still disrespecting me in my own home. Because I didn’t give him a reaction he didn’t like it and verbally abused me and called me names it was heartbreaking. I haven’t had mail for [detail removed by moderator] found a letter of mine opened in the room his daughter has been staying in. It was my pin number for a new card. I’ve told the police of the abuse and the mail being taken but for that are just logging it because I’m terrified he won’t sign. I go home at [detail removed by moderator] in the night to avoid them. And hecwaits for me to come in and then he gets on the phone to his new victim on purpose to hurt me. I ended this because for all the bike things he’s done to me over the years I still loved him and always will. But I knew in my heart that wasn’t right. It’s killing me not knowing where he is or who he’s with but I know when the house is gone I won’t know anything about him and I know it’s for the best. Please don’t waste any of your life with someone like that. It gets worse and harder to leave. I’ve been through this so many times and even making that decision a couple of months ago was the hardest but I know in the long run the best. You get two lives and the second begins when you realise you only get one. Live it

[Anabela]

Hi wakingup. Thank you for your reply. I needed it.
I see for myself that the longer it is dragging on, the harder it is to leave. If I move in with him, I will loose my mind. I already feel ashamed of myself of how much disrespect I allowed. And how all those things have become normal and usual. The past year since my attempt to leave seems quite blur. He keeps blaming me for not giving a proper chance, but to me it seems that I kept seeing the flashes of old him. The control and telling what to do. Pretending to help sort myself out, but actually making me feel worse about myself. And then everything went out of control. Sometimes, I feel I prefer for him to hit me. Then at least I would know this is not acceptable. There would be no room for interpretation. (when he threatened to kill, that was just words, isn’t it. So there is still room for interpretation. When I think about it, never heard an apology for that either). When it is words, I don’t know anymore what is wrong, and what is right. And he twists his words, and when I demanded the apology for the last escalated argument, he now says when was the last time that I apologized.
I deserve better. I deserve to be in charge of my life. I deserve at least to be respected. And safe.

[Author]

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