Ongoing abuse through child contact

[owlbaby]

Hi there, I left my relationship due to abuse. I find that I’m still being manipulated, verbally abused and accused of being the abusive one. I’m fed up with the tight control around child contact and the threats with court action should either myself or the children voice our wishes or feelings.
It seems like every time I start to live my life and move on he crushes me with his control, verbal attacks, threats and bullying and intimidation. Worse of all, he then accuses me of being all of the above. I feel that no one believes me and that he has painted this negative picture of me to the school. It’s hard standing up to him. The control of our eldest has now begun and it worries me.

[KIP.]

Please ring the helpline or Rights for Women for free legal advice. These men never relinquish control and that’s why zero contact is so important. Threats of court is another way to control and manipulate. Do you have a contact order in place? That way he doesn’t need to see you at all. The children can take a contact book when they visit him and he can write anything relevant in that. Even decades later these men think they have the right to abuse us so work on zero contact. I know it’s scary but it’s the best thing I ever did. Block his number and only contact him in an emergency.

[owlbaby]

Thank you. I did contact the helpline and I will telephone rights for women. We never went to court. I’ve allowed him to decide contact and am only now standing up to him. He will and does see me as I’ve no third party to handle the child handover. I could kick myself for thinking he has changed, and that we could be friendly. I’m still reeling from his outburst. No one has ever spoken to me like this apart fro
m him.

[Lisa]

Hi Owlbaby,

Welcome to the forum, I hope you find it a supportive place to be.

Unfortunately perpetrators use child contact to continue the abuse. you have every right to set your boundaries. If he continues his behaviour you are entitled to stop the contact.

Take care and keep posting

Best Wishes
Lisa

[Iwon]

Hi hun I went through all this. (Detail removed by Moderator)

I had constant threats of court over nothing for a few years when I was trying to coparent. I was terrified of court as he had racked up so many bills in legal fees from divorce. I knew he would keep on going with false accusations and lies and saying o was withholding our child which I never did.

I reached a point after a few years of being sick of being bullied insulted and controlled from a failure who doesn’t contribute anything positive.

I read a book do no contact like a boss. I would ring rights for women. Offer him reasonable access which is one night overnight from school and alternate weekends which is standard for non resident parent. Keep records of his access showing you had Been reasonable by providing access.

Get an order showing you as resident parent and no 50/50 access. Yesrs on I play the game and respond to non of his efforts to start fights. Keep his abusive messages and back up on phone. Keep. I do not talk to him directly and never will because I will not expose myself to his rubbish.

You are mom and resident parent bringing children up and not him I am guessing.

You are the valuable person here. A mother. That gives you rights in law. He fits in with you and your reasonable plan.

Personally I tell him nothing. I avoid him. I invite him to nothing. I do everything to avoid him being at anything we attend and blank him. I don’t look at him or acknowledge him. I do it in a way it couldn’t be proved but I want him to have as little as possible with our child as he is damaging to him.

My child (Detail removed by Moderator) and he loves his dad but don’t like him or his gf or son who bullies him. I will be lessening the access more and more now as thus is what my child wants.

Apologies if I sound hard on dad’s but I know he is better if he is blocked out as he is dysfunctional and damaging (Detail removed by Moderator) imo x

[itwillbeokay]

Wow this is so helpful and eye opening as I am going through similar difficulties as the poster and have no third party so I have to see him every couple of weeks plus he only takes the older one (still young) overnight and not the baby so we have coffee and go to the park so he can “see the baby” slash minimise gaslight confuse me. It’s so hard and I am useless at setting boundaries yet. I do limited contact but then constantly feel on edge wondering what’s next and if I should be sharing more information with him as he regularly throws it at me that not only did I leave with them but I moved to an area (Detail removed by Moderator) away – where my family live. We have no court order/mediation, he says we don’t need it as I should be reasonable. I am. Utterly. But I often feel bullied and intimidated into saying yes immediately to things I’m not sure about. It’s horrible and I can’t inagine moving on either. I need to build up to this kind of thing as although he appears to love the children and our oldest loves seeing him I am concerned at the effect his issues and personality will have over them over the years not to mention potential brainwashing against me.

It’s a horrible situation. Thank you for the above and for posting original poster x

[owlbaby]

Thank you everyone for sharing your experiences and messages of support. It makes me feel less alone and also makes me realise how common this behaviour is. Sad 😔
I’ve taken on board some of your advice. I’m definitely keeping a diary now. He’s threatening me with court more often, so I need to make a record of abusive incidents.
Yes, I get told I’m not giving enough access, frustrating access etc. None of it true.
To be honest, it’s put me off men for a long time. I just wish it didn’t affect me so badly. I end up with insomnia, stomach ache and don’t want to leave the house. Then I get upset that he can still affect me so much. I’m just fed up of the character assassination. When will I learn, he will never change.

[owlbaby]

PS I’m worried about him brainwashing the kids too. I’m not allowed to contact them when they are with him. He’s made me out to be the abusive and controlling one.

[itwillbeokay]

I really feel for you. I know exactly what it feels like. My son was very angry and hostile towards me when he came back one time for at least a few days afterwards. He’s only little. I dread to think what was said to him. It would be very subtle and insidious and indirect but probably inappropriate all the same and certainly not the same respect I afford him even though this heartbreaking separation and situation is entirely his doing through his dreadful behaviour over the years. I honestly don’t know what the answer is, I just put one foot in front of the other at the moment, put my brave face on and look after my children.

Xx

[freedomtochoose]

Hello there,
Don’t feel able to write much today but just to say I appreciate this thread.
Especially Lisa’s comment
“Unfortunately perpetrators use child contact to continue the abuse. you have every right to set your boundaries”

I have struggled for a long time with child contact. Now I believe it is the least painful it could possibly be but it has been a long road and when it happens I still feel vulnerable and not understood by others. But I know you ladies understand which is important and thanks
ftc
xx

[owlbaby]

I think what we have to put up with is disgusting. And I’ve had family tell me that it’s just arguing, we’re just very different people etc. Even when I’ve been so distraught I can’t eat or sleep. And to then have the perpetrator accuse the victim of basically being a mirror version of him. I understand why women go crazy or stay quiet. And yet, often friends are the ones who understand and if you do reach out carefully you will often find people who understand or who have experienced similar. My children have begun lying to me and gaslight ing me. I’ve picked it up immediately and made sure to correct them. It always happens after prolonged contact. I don’t always think family will help as we’ve often grown up with a similar dynamic, thus it’s normalised in our minds. Hence why we seek out a similar dynamic in our romantic relationships. Educate yourselves, join reputable support groups and reach out. It’s not your shame or fault x*x
And love your kids and stay firm with your boundaries. Get a support network. People who believe you. X

[BlueGray]

Hi, interesting and useful info.
Can I join the convo.
I started contact as what I thought might be amicable.. obviously this was manipulated so I quickly shut him down as much as possible to no contact other than email.
Unfortunately due to the children’s commitments there is requirement for some contact when these things change.
If I say black, he was white.
He bombard the children daily via messaging platforms. Sometimes they reply sometimes they don’t I feel dependant on how pressured they feel. From this he has I assume gleaned that it is me that is controlling this. Which it is not. He now witholds their devices to stop any contact with me when they are with him.
Does anyone have any advice of how I can manage this better to reduce what I feel as a gremlins permanently sat on my shoulder via the children. Where when who what why is constantly asked.
Due to age my older child has access to her device so blocking is not really possible.
We have no court order. Is it acceptable for him to block me and alienate me when he has the children. I don’t contact them and respect his time with them but find it worrying they are unable to call if they need to.

[Author]

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