Ongoing emotional abuse – have I successfully ended it?

[White Rose]

I posted recently about this and its continued and escalated. Hes got the usual trick of using something we need contact about to say more – and boy has he used that opportunity. The emotional abuse has escalated. It’s reduced me to tears twice this week.
He’s clearly got a very twisted mind. He did something for me in my house before we were married, we were engaged and living together though it just happened he’d moved in with me. He had the skills to do it through his job, I didn’t, he now he wants payment. Bonkers!! And there’s a list of more things he’s done over the years for us and others and it seems to be my fault people aren’t constantly saying thanks to him and gushing about how he dried their dishes once after a party or drove them to the airport as he was going that way anyway. You know, the sort of thing people do for friends and family just because you’re a fellow Hunan being.
Well I blew, flipped, threw my toys out of the cot, ranted and raved, swore and then calmed down and I wrote a short response along the lines of stop emotionally abusing me never ever attempt to contact me again about anything and I have blocked all of his many current email addresses completely. Relief!
Sadly it means I probably won’t get the last bit of money owed to me after divorce and financial settlement but I’ve got used to not having it. It probably means no holiday again this year for me 😢
If he sets up another email account, and I suspect he will, I’m going to have to go to the police – no other option. In the meantime still not decided whether to go to them about this. He could turn on others I love and care for.
In the meantime he’s just another person living in this town we have no mutual friends and the family I’m close to don’t have anything to do with him so our paths should rarely if ever cross.

[KIP.]

Hey there, if you didn’t already know how toxic contact is with these men then you have had a sharp reminder. I’d rather not go on holiday than have any contact with my abuser. I still think you should speak to a domestic abuse police officer and register his continuing unwanted contact and the fact that you have now told him not to contact you further. It’s important to record these incidents to show a pattern of behaviour. Because my ex cannot contact me he writes nonsense through his solicitor. He even brought up the fact that he paid for a holiday for his daughter and I x years before we separated! the money came out the joint account so I actually paid for my own holiday! How X years before we separated he bought me a car. Again the money came out the joint account!! Blah blah blah…. So I can just imagine the emotional abuse. It’s not even relevant and very triggering. Funny how they all think the same way. Entitled! Like we should be grovelling with gratitude for decades of abuse lol. They’re just not wired correctly. Good riddance to bad rubbish.

[Serenity]

Hi White Rose,

My ex ( when he was desperately trying to get me not to divorce him and use solicitors), began pathetically listing how he’d paid for a washing machine x years ago, blah blah blah.

They keep a mental note of anything they have had to buy or do for others. They never forget it, and resent having done anything for anyone. In their twisted mind, people are there to do things for them, not vice versa.

They even rewrite history, claiming to have paid for things when they didn’t.

I was able to finally tell my abuser what he was. I said he was an abuser on all levels. I don’t care if he listened or not. It just felt good to finally let it out, after years of taking the blame for his abuse. After I’d said my piece, I was able to go no contact, because I had nothing more to say to him. I have nothing to say to him even now. I could very happily go to my grave having never uttered another word to the monster.

[White Rose]

I didn’t realise this trait of having the memory of elephants for the minutiae of material worth was common amongst abusers. I’d odd and just a little intriguing.
There are so many shared traits I come across on here that I really believe it’s a disease they have.
I agree KIP it’s not about the money (but the holiday would have been so good for me and my daughter!) its about being safe and relaxed and in my own home and free of his petty memories as well as his abuse and knowing my daughter is safe too. You also put the word “entitled” in your post – I’ve heard that so many times over the years it makes me cringe!
I know I’m being a real wimp about police but I do feel it will simply prolong the abuse and run the risk of him turning on others I love, he’s done that over time when I’ve stood up to him and the consequences for them emotionally has been traumatic. I care too much for them which is why I back off reporting him.
Like you Serenity I did stand up to him about the abuse – I told him face to face before I left him and I’ve told him many times since, the final time beinng my recent but last ever email to him and that feels strangely satisfying.
I’ll just wait for the “signed for” letter to come from him next as a last ditch means of communication! He’ll print the envelope too so I wont recognise his writing and be forced to open it.
Mens, abusers, they need to be downgraded to earthworms or better still cockroaches.

[White Rose]

In answer to my question. NO I definitely haven’t succeeded !! He’s still at it. Why? Has he no common sense? Has he totally lost the plot? Hasn’t he anythibg better to do with his time than find ways of getting through my barriers?
I’ve found the contact details of the police DA officer I was given previously and am contacting her tomorrow – hope she’s still in the role as I don’t think I can face 101 and visit from uniformed officers again. Feeling bleugh and cross but I refuse to let this get me down again he just isn’t worth it xx

[KIP.]

Hey there, I kinda thought he wouldn’t stop. Once the police were involved my ex changed his tune. They know they can bully and manipulate us but faced with police and the expense of court and lawyers, it’s a different story. Hopefully when you involve the police he will know you’re serious and will move on. Ask for a specialist officer from the domestic abuse unit. Sometimes we get pushed into a corner and have no choice but to come out fighting.

[White Rose]

Thanks KIP I’m hoping the domestic abuse unit officer I had before will take it on and at least put a PIN on him. It’s driving me crazy. I just want to get on with my life and be free of him. I can’t change my work email address I’ve had it for (detail removed by Moderator) and it’s out of my remit to change anyway.
I don’t want to take him to court – too much money and he’ll escalate regardless of police as he’s above them and in his eyes is doing nothing wrong.
If he’d just stop i could settle and relax but I’m constantly on edge waiting for his next move (and email address!!) It’s not as bad as before divorce but it’s so unnecessary and the tone of emails is foul.
If police won’t do anything the way I’m feeling now I might m go round to his house and tell him face to face what I think but if i did that you can bet he’d have me arrested for trespassing! He told me to get off his drive once when I was collecting my daughter. House was still in joint names! Sorry I’m ranting I’m so cross and so tired and so wound up now I won’t sleep again tonight.
(detail removed by Moderator)

[Suntree]

You need to look at steps about harassment and let him know that you see what he is doing as harassment and then you take it from there.

(detail removed by Moderator)

Don’t try and beat them at their own game you won’t you will end up looking like the unstable and mad woman and them the victim. Not worth it.

[White Rose]

Thanks suntree I’ve been experiencing this for some considerable time….pre divorce during the long and drawn out painful period of the divorce and still it goes on. Police advice sought they wrote emails for me to pass on it works for a while just long enough for the “team around me” to relax and back off then he’s at it again. Local WA team and solicitors ( who also reported him to police for harrassment!! ) and family have had no impact whatsoever on his behaviour other than to escalate it. I think he is mentally unbalanced and he clearly has a personality disorder.
My police link office was unavailable today Ill try tomorrow again but on a positive note no emails for about 24 hours as far as I can tell from numbers in my spam and bin folders. Ive not searched andctheews no email addresses I don’t recognise in my inbox.
He is volatile and as police have said before they can’t lock him up they can only warn him off and he doesn’t seem to care – he reacts by upping the harassment of every one including very elderly relatives.
Our only option has been blocking but its getting beyond a joke now so maybe police input will work – who knows?
During divorce my solicitor, who specialised in donestic abuse, said she had never come across anyone quite as evil and skilled in emotional abuse. We both agreed it would have been easier to get a result in dealing with him if he’d hit me!
It feels pretty hopeless to be honest but I’m not going to give in.I have so many saved emails from him. Occasionally I read the odd one to remind myself I did the right thing and its not me its him that’s crazy.
Onwards and upwards xx

[Nova]

Keep doing what your doing White Rose! Step by step away.

You know the score, protect yourself first then tell as many people as poss about him, on a daily basis if necessary… send his emails to a 3rd party.

Nothing surprises me sadly. I feel for you because he sounds like the weasel I to had to suffer.
Talk about leaving a trail of cr*p for me to pick up, I swear I cannot believe their utter arrogance, and from such shallow insignificant pathetic nonentities seriously!

I am angry for you! It’s so stressful to be threatened and to be made to feel unsafe by a fool.
They’re not that stupid though…this is their f/t job, it’s what makes their pathetic existence real, by being a pain in the bleep!

You will be rid of him, your strong even when it gets difficult …your shining through, we are with you.

XC

[White Rose]

Thanks Cuppa it’s just so infuriatingly frustrating and needless. The man is a law unto himself x

[danicali]

if the content of his correspondence to you has to do with your child – even if the letter is laced with digs at you designed to invoke a tantrum in you, or tears, fear, etc – there is very little police will do. it is not a criminal act, or harassment, if he writes to you about the child. of course these abusive men use this to get at us. but i am telling you authorities will do very little if you, say, go to them with a letter from him demanding payment for work done when you were together – that is a civil matter and he will probably get NOTHING for it anyway so dont worry about this (detail removed by Moderator)

it is also not illegal for him to set up another email account. you can block it again and again if you wish. it is only if he sends you a communication with outright threats against you that police can act. again though if it’s about money owed, or the child, you can do very little but ignore him or block him.

eventually he will have less reasons to contact you. and do NOT, for any reason, go to his house!

[White Rose]

Thanks danicali – I promise I won’t go to his house. I’d be too scared anyway and be throwing up on the road outside!
A lot of his messages were on the back of “child things” but a lot are just down right threatening and abusive. Police saw them originally pre divorce and wanted to go round there and then and talk to him. At minimum they wanted to serve a PIN but our daughter was spending time there and I was scared for her. Since then the tone and level of threat has increased in severity so I’m sure they’ll accept they are not just emails to communicate about things. Plus daughter no longer sees him so she’s out of the danger zone (and has blocked him too! ). Shes grown up now and she is legally allowed to choose to have nothing to do with him.
He writes very threatening letters to, and visits, my relations to have a rant. They slam the door in his face. Like me they’re afraid of repercussions if they go to police. His own siblings block him on social media and blick his number on their phones.
I wish I could post some examples here but they’d be removed… I can hear him snarling the threats as I’ve read them over time. Now I just save in my ever growing evidence file till I have the guts to report him. If he’d just stop I’d not pursue reporting. I’m sure one of reasons he won’t complete on finances is that will mean he would have absolutely no reason at all to contact me and he couldn’t cope with that!
I’m tired of it and a little bored I think too. It’s pathetic and pointless and I’m sure adds to his misery but unless I have the b*$&*s to take it further I think I’m stuck with it for now.

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