Ongoing Lockdown Stress, new plan/advice needed – Help

[Rubymurray]

Hi (2nd ever post)

Well since Boris’ latest announcement last night stating very slight changes to our daily restrictions, I just feel even more lost, frustrated, scared for the future and lack of control I have…. Like how can I continue to live with him for another 2,3,6 + months

It really is like a dream, every time I wake up having to remind myself what is happening….

Only earlier this year I was feeling (albeit only recently recognised the abuse for what it was all these years) but I was strong, positive, attending appts, speaking to various agencies, seeking advice support, being safe, planning, recording documenting……etc
Now to think of life like this for much longer, with a young child to care for… and no childcare not even for an hour never mind a day.

I just cant seem to get the right help or know what to do??

Ive had 1 call with WA helpline, i have a local key worker on the phone, but never met due to lockdown.

Been together (detail removed by moderator), joint mortgage and house…. He is intimidating, manipulative, controlling with finances, emotionally and psychologically wearing me down with disrespectful actions and how he communicates with me when he’s in that mood which is also like a switch, then mr nice guy, everybody loves him, mask on and off always… slamming things down a little more often this year and throwing odd things around a couple of times but not touched me, always turning things on me, twisting things, blame blame blame, i think some gaslighting, not taking responsibility for his actions – I walk on eggshells constantly….i’m so anxious, the friction and tension is intense between him and child in how he manages her, but he’ll never admit it.

I was thinking right its easier if i just get things in place and rent somewhere for when the time comes, i keep learning different things and a solicitor told me for me to get legal aid for the divorce I need to stay in the family home, if I leave I wont get legal aid. I have also since found out by searching its not easy to find somewhere in my local and surrounding area with my circumstances…. So turned my head around and thought I need to stay in the family home for various reasons inc little one which i am passionate about and HE needs to leave. But i feel he wont leave, definitely not after i first tell him that i want separation….(knowing its common for them to refuse to leave) , then obviously we are still left all living together which i dread and fear for mine and lo mental health especially, and he will then be aware of my true thoughts and feelings.

Ive been told by a solicitor, although i am clarifying this again, that the courts rarely grant Occupation orders, esp if it makes one of us homeless…. BUT AT THE SAME TIME I am terrified of using these kind of actions to get him out, and just feel it will fuel something huge that could possibly be avoided….but i have no idea of other options…
I’m learning about mediation and that being a route less intense compared to what it could look like in a family court battle as such… but dont know enough or how that would look or how that would even start (I cant face doing any of this living with him still!!!??)

…. ive tried Rights for Women phone but only certain times on phone and they dont answer when i try.

im scared of that moment when i might feel enough is enough (i’ve learnt how it can go in these situations) and I just need to go and stay with someone for few nights, but i really dont want to be putting little one through that kind of movement and changes (or would it not be so bad, tell her its a little holiday with whoever???)

zzzzzzzZZZzzzz so tired – thanks for reading x

[Eggshells]

Hi, Urgh it’s horrible isn’t it that whir of thoughts. I was advised against mediation by my keyworker, my solicitor, my counsellor and the other women on here. You don’t have to try mediation when it’s domestic abuse. They are so manipulative that you are guaranteed to come out badly and they will twist you and the mediator into knots. It was bad enough going through a solicitor and his solicitor was as bad as he was. Really vile and unprofessional and that wasn’t just my opinion.

My ex refused to leave. I had to go, I think that’s fairly common and almost unique to domestic abuse situations.

It sounds like doom and gloom but it really isn’t. A lot of us are having a bad time through lockdown but normal life without them is so much better; financially poorer maybe but that looses it’s importance when you realise how good life is without them.

Check out legal aid before you make any decisions about whether to stay. Are you sure that you are entitled to it even if you do stay in the house?

You have a lot of unknowns at the moment and that is exhausting.

[Iwantmeback]

Hi there, can you get another opinion from another lawyer.
My solicitor didn’t say I had to stay in the house but we may live in different parts of the UK so laws will be different. Did they mention anything about doing clawback? Where there’s a joint bought house you can still get legal aid,if you qualify, but they get money back once the house is sold. If your husband is working he’ll be seen as being able to afford something to rent, so he’ll not be homeless. Plus if he was, the council have a legal obligation to m find him a place to live, might just not be what he’d like. We go through a lot of soul searching when we realise who we live with. Do what’s right for you and your little one. In the meantime be as proactive as you can, get personal information to hand, make copies of loan agreements his recent p60, his bank details/ statement. If you contact your local WA they could house you and your lo, give you time to think straight, until a local authority property became available. Contact wa, they can help make an exit plan. In the meantime start doing a mass clearout. Have lists on your phone, what you have to take with you, what you’d like to take with you. Anywhere you could store things, storage units are fairly cheap. Once we start to believe there’s light at the end of the tunnel things will start to move.
Best wishes IWMB 💞💞

[Rubymurray]

● Eggshells thank you for replying to my post – the solicitor im in touch with did the assessment and said all looks fine for me to get legal aid, no savings, no employment etc.
Mediation- ok this is new to me, i’ve got a vague idea of how it works and what it’s used for, ive not heard of it being commonly difficult or to avoid alltogether in our situations. My thought was to use Mediation to avoid dragging up everything and avoid the stress of the court process battle with him (which is what I assume will have to happen, if I don’t leave & I enforce something ie. attempt to get Occupation order).

I thought Mediation could be an option to help work out financial entitlement & child contact, what will happen with the house etc.

Am I seriously clutching at straws thinking Mediation could be a possibility of sorting & deciding on stuff?? Joint mortgage/house, married, desperate not to leave the home, or at the very least get my half.

● Iwantmeback thank you – regards claw back, im not sure if the solicitor went over it, they may have done. – Do you think its possible for me to get him to leave, i wish I knew other ways of going about it… or again, (even though dont know know everything or more detail) am I going to be wasting my time trying to stay living in the home until a settlement is agreed?
Do I go back to plan A and start looking at rentals again, get my calculations of income done again (just heard on the news house viewings can take place safely again), and get ducks in a row accordingly….? I’m really struggling with not knowing what to do next and how, BUT I know it will be done one way or another ASAP, I have to.

But i just can’t bear the thought of being in court accusing him of stuff and having to go through all that, i just want separation & what I’m entitled to. I wish there was a way without going through all that, i think it would break me completely and I have to be strong and be there for child.

Thanks heaps ‘n heaps xx

[iliketea]

Sorry, I still haven’t replied, going through exactly the same as you, I’ll reply tomorrow. Brain in a fog. Stay strong. The advice above is really good. Section 1 of Children’s Act means you could stay in your home because of the effects of abuse on your child, the child is paramount in these cases. If he works he will be seen to be able to get a rental place, and they are also much cheaper at the moment. More tomorrow. I know exactly how you feel, I’m there too, mind going round the scenarios and not wanting to choose the “nuclear” option. When the time is right you will know what to do. I’d start writing a timeline if you have the energy, recording conversations if safe to do so, or writing a diary of events, do on email as it happens or write it at night as therapy too, to get it out, but be mindful you might forget some of it, abuse seems to do weird things to our brains. xx

[KIP.]

Talk to another solicitor. Get a second opinion from one with experience of domestic abuse. Depending on what country you’re in legal aid is available for victims of domestic abuse so it’s important that you talk about what he’s doing and how you are scared of him. My ex was arrested and I got an occupation order. Have you thought of reporting his behaviour to the police? It may make that occupation order easier or the police may remove him and give him bail conditions. Keep a journal of his behaviour and Report it to your GP. Start building a case against him for when you have the strength to get him out.

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