Tagged: Feeling worn out
11th January 2016 at 9:04 am #7499SerenityParticipant
I have my decree absolute now, and that has really helped me mentally to realise that I am not his possession.
I still feel real trauma, though. Maybe it is the realisation about what these past two years ( post separation) has involved ( lots of abuse ) and what in fact my marriage was like.
I seem to have hit a trough again.
I keep telling myself that I have a full identity with which to move forward: I am a mum, a sister, a daughter, an friend, an employee…and I am also me.
But I keep getting flashbacks about how covertly cruel he was- and obviously cruel too.
Hand on heart, the worst name I ever called him was ‘g*t’ and that was only half in jest, because he was being mean at the time. I got upset, I never shouted aggressively, I never tried to make him feel small. I did none of the things he did to me. If I ever got upset, I was made to feel like I needed to be punished for it.
I think I feel like I am still not out of it because he is still trying to get to me. Trying to get me to drop
Off kids to remote places,where he ends up being, sending me Xmas cards, and I think he is still trying to lead the kids down the wrong path, for example encouraging my youngest to lie because ‘as long as no one finds out, it is ok.’
He is deliberately trying to counter parent and make them corrupt like him. It is an endless and heavy effort to keep on fighting it. My health is poor, my body aches all over. I drag myself to the gym but I have pain everywhere- a stress induced illness.
Sometimes I wonder how on earth I can keep going on this earth for another 30-40 years.
He has left me heavily in debt, and because I won the house by proving his financial lies, he will try to make out I am money grabbing- when in fact that is what he is.
I wish I lived in a tiny flat – I feel scared at the weight of the mortgages. My health isn’t up to it. I never know from one day to the next how I will feel physically.
He is not meant to have dropped the kids off on my road and he has. I decided to call 101 and report it to the police, as my DV leader said I may be criticised for not doing so, as he is a ring against a court order ( to drop them off on another road). She said I may have enough for a harassment warning against him if he continues to try to be near me.
All the while he is telling the kids that the I junction has expired, that what the court doesn’t know won’t hurt, and he is discussing finances with my youngest, despite this being specifically in the court order ( not to).
All the while he is doing this with feigned innocence, doing things with the boys that he would refuse to do when with is, etc.
He is like a Duracell battery- he never runs our of energy ( or malice).
Yet if he was questioned about this, he would make out that he did everything innocently and that I am imagining it/ trying to create trouble.
I get flashbacks about the tiny cruelties- even down to cruelly imitating how I walked or making horrible faces imitating how my eyes looked ( I have sensitive eyes as part of my condition, and I think I look like I am straining my eyes sometimes).
The next hurdle will be getting him to pay child maintenance. I am really tempted to dob him in to the Inland Revenue if he dared to make out he is penniless. He earns a fortune. I am past caring is his business goes down the pan. It is all built on fleecing people anyway. Even now, his two emotes are from overseas and he hires them illegally ( not on the books) I am sure.
Sorry to moan. Just feeling very tired out with it all.
11th January 2016 at 9:06 am #7501SerenityParticipant
I mean his two employees
11th January 2016 at 10:23 am #7504foggyhereParticipant
Don’t know what to say really – they become more overt with it once the mask has slipped, don’t they. When your kids are adults I’m sure they will see his behaviour for what it is.
Big hugs xxxxx
11th January 2016 at 10:28 am #7505Falling SkysParticipant
It’s not a moan,and if its you moan ad much as you like.
Their negativity seems to keep them going none stop.
Thank god your a strong woman many would have buckled under the strain.
Luckily my children are older so once the house sales he will have no reason to be anywhere near one. I hope that will happen to you too x though he has twisted them against me. I think they don’t care a dam about their children it’s just another way to hurt us.
Hugs and stay positive. Next year this time what we have worried about will be a nasty memory xx
11th January 2016 at 12:58 pm #7515Confused123Participant
U have every right to release it all out, u not moaning, these men are constant battle and yours clearly still gets kick of winding u up, if u dont talk about it they make us weak and we break again, us ladies are her eto support each another and help cary us when we fell like we going to drop. Dont worry if you have to keep reporting him its all goes against him, again dont let others opinion of you let u get down, truth always stands out in end, let him say u are a money grabber, u know u r not, u know how much debt he has left u in, dont waste energy justifying yourself to others, focus on u and kids. Sorry to hear your health nots good, these abusers do that to us make us so ill we cant handle stress no more, continue to go to gym , your body will slowly re adapt but biggest benefit is by going gym it will clear your head and make u mentally more stronger , and with these evil men we need to be mentally strong. He will always try to bring you down, every time he throws a new game or problem at you, let us know and we will try to help you, he obviously needs a few more slaps inlife tillhe gets message, but he will, dont let his negative energy bring u down, my ex thinks his funny too calling eldest and getting update or playing the mind game they do, as hard as it is ignore them by giving no reaction direct but by making them face consequences, quote from one of my friend which made me laugh and hope motivates u too …. ” u dont just shag us, f our lives up and then walk away u face the conseqeunce of doing that to us”
11th January 2016 at 2:09 pm #7520one day at a timeParticipant
It’s good you can come on here and share how you feel Serenity. You’re not moaning at all.
Look at the issues he has left you with even after all this time.
When we separate from our abusers it takes a different type of energy compared to living in the aftermath. The practicalities of divorce and finances can be she stressful. Like you he’s left me in a complete mess financially and there are times I feel totally overwhelmed at having to deal with it all.
And I can totally relate to how your mind can remember the cruelties. Out of the blue I have flashbacks to horrible events and vile words. Then I remember how he would tell me to lighten up and stop being so miserable.
How horrible for you too that he involves your children in his mind games. Yet another way for him to continue to annoy you from a distance.
I sense your tiredness, which is totally understandable. Look at what you’ve come through and still are going through! But you are an incredibly strong and insightful woman.
Hope you can take some time for yourself, to give yourself a bit of an emotional respite.
Take care. ((Hugs)) x
11th January 2016 at 6:16 pm #7530KIP.Participant
Hi there, you know these feelings will pass. You’ve come so far and we both know we are playing the long game. Tomorrow will be a better day. ❤️
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