Opening up (telling family)

[RedGiraffe]

So, I didn’t plan on telling my family the extent of the issues which caused my break up (emotional and psychological abuse) however, a family member confided in me about another member who they are worried about and how to handle the situation and whether they were ‘looking too deeply into their situation’ and whether they should ‘just mind their Own business’… from what was said there were a lot of red flags and from my personal experience it’s highly likely she doesn’t see them (it took me years to see the red flags!)…

So I’m thinking of opening up to my family member about my personal issues and hoping this will allow space and trust to open up her own conversation! However, I think I just need the confidence to do it as it wasn’t something I was planning on doing!

When my original family member spoke to me about the worries I started crying 🙁 so I know they now know I’ve kept more to myself than I’ve told them about my situation.

Sorry if this doesn’t make a lot of sense!

[Chestnut]

Hello redgiraffe
I found it a huge relief to let family know. The only thing I think to be aware of is if you are opening up to the family member who is having the problems rather than the family member who is flagging up the issues then they may respond defensively at first, this is if they haven’t got to a point of realising or questioning what is happening. I do think it is the right thing to do though as at some point, if not now, they will question and they will remember other people saying you know this isn’t right what he is doing. I think I am just saying if she acts defensive at first don’t take it all personally look after yourself and now you have done the right thing. I just think how I used to rationalise his behaviour to everyone and told people not to judge him so the reaction you get probably depends where they are at. But I think I wish someone had told me even if I wasn’t ready to hear it. Hope that makes sense! X

[Chestnut]

I do also think if you feel ready opening up to the family member that has mentioned they are worried could be good. They sound like they are pretty clued up, not judgemental etc and maybe a form of emotional support. It can be a lot to carry even once out I imagine (I am not totally yet but have needed family support) x

[RedGiraffe]

Thank you, I haven’t fully disclosed to the family member who raised their concerns (that’s not to say I won’t but I just couldn’t bring myself to say it)…
I am prepared for defensiveness and am thinking about ways I can word things – opting for explaining my situation and seeing if this opens anything her end. It may not, but it may make her think about things herself and when she’s ready she can communicate.
I also used to defend him against anything and anyone, people would tell me it’s not normal and I would think of an ‘excuse’. Guess I just wanted to know I was doing the right thing but I know I am.

Thank you x

[RedGiraffe]

It is a lot to carry… ive ended the relationship but he’s still living here under the same roof 🙁 Hoping this changes very soon.

[Cantmakedecisons]

I think this is a very good idea if you feel comfortable. It is a lot to hold on to on your own. You say your still living with him? Please be careful!

I haven’t shared anything with my family and it’s very isolating. I’ve moved out but they think I’ve just given up on my marriage, but I haven’t got the words or confidence to do anything about that at the moment.

I hope it goes well for you and I’m sure it will help.x

 

[RedGiraffe]

Thank you, living together still isn’t my decision, he’s saying he has no where to go. I’m hoping he leaves very soon, I’m also looking at places and will take one if/when I find one.
That’s what I’m struggling with – the confidence and words! I feel so embarrassed and can’t find the words when the opportunity arises for me to open up. I’m only thinking of confiding in this one particular family member because I believe I could help her!

[Anonymous]

I would caution you here as far as your own codependency by telling her, so you can help “her”. Your intentions are wonderful and all that, don’t get me wrong here but – you are not in a position to take on her stuff on top of your stuff. When we give out we absolutely have to check our storehouse and ask ourself, do I have enough energy here to do this, to help her and myself at the same time. The answer right now is probably no. I think you telling your family as a whole is a good thing but I wouldn’t just single her out, the whole family needs to get this one so they can support both of you. Otherwise you are going to now be in a confidence thing of it’s just between you and her and you are her only support. By you telling the family then she can maybe consider doing it as well, just like you did.

People are all around us in situations like this, in our families, we work with them, are our friends and we’d never know because they hide it so well, just like I’m sure you have and are doing. But do know one very important thing here – you will help her more – by example. I would absolutely tell your family and she might very well seek you out privately for support and all that. I would if I were her. But she will have to do the very same things that you are actively doing in order to help herself. The codependency trigger in you is strong. You want to go rescue someone else while you are the one needing rescuing. I am familiar. I have done it. Still have to slap my hand away from that one.

I just don’t want you to get too caught up in her stuff because she could drag you right under since you are weak right now, have limited energy. And hearing her doubts and fears might increase your own. Kinda like she has a virus and you’re just getting over one or trying to. So I would listen, help her as far as affirming that abuse is going on but at the same time – use your hand to point her in the direction of her getting help. And that needs to come from a larger support network and not “just you” because she would now know that you are in an abusive situation as well. I hope I’m not offending you here, because I don’t mean to and I’m not trying to sound callous towards her at all.

I remember when I have done this and paid for it. Thought OH I can take this on! When in all reality I couldn’t, shouldn’t have. We have to be responsible for our own wellbeing and not sacrifice that for someone else. Unless of course that is our children, that’s different or someone on fire in front of us and no one else is helping. You have to have boundaries in other words and that’s something that would be good for you to do anyways. I think you probably don’t have alot of that going on right now… Abusers tend to burn those to the ground. Time to put them back up and make sure they stay put.

Her watching you however – is a tremendous help for her as you help yourself because in the end – she’s going to have to do the very same things and you can’t do them for her. You can’t be her therapist either and listening to her might very well trigger you in an unhealthy way so just be careful with it, that’s all. She needs help and you guys could support each other very much, so just be wise.

[RedGiraffe]

Thank you, I’m not offended at all by anything you’ve said! You’ve actually put some things into my mind that I never even thought about! I’m glad I haven’t spoken to her as of yet (I was emotionally preparing myself – which also reiterates I’m not sure I’m ready to confide entirely). I will have a really good think and work out exactly where I am (and probably reread your post a few times).
I guess I just really want to help and let her know she has options… I thought by opening up my situation I could open up the conversation without her knowing a family member spoke to me about their concerns.

Thank you again xx

[Anonymous]

You’re most welcome sweetheart!

[Author]

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