Opinion – is this normal.

[Isthisright]

Hi all

I spoke with my husband the last (detail removed by moderator) about trying to repair our marriage and work things out.
I said going forward when we are having a discussion or agruments to please not bang the (detail removed by moderator) or slammed doors or storm off or curse at me. He then respond he can’t do that and this is Completely all normal behaviour and all guys do this. He was say this is on the light end of the scale and he isn’t knocking my teeth out. He then said he was done with the relationship.

I really felt I have tried everything. He went out for a few hours and I packed (detail removed by moderator) suitcases to leave. I was so close but just couldn’t make the last step. When he came home it was the same circle conversations getting no where. I have no gone to bed ( we have been sleeping apart) and he has come up asking if I will sleep in the bed with him.
I feel like this is all a game and I slam so weak for not just leaving. I still put him and his feeling first.
I know I am now creating this hardship for myself. It is a toxic environment and I feel like all the trust is gone

[Camel]

Hi Isthisright

No, it’s not right or normal. But then you know that don’t you?

He’s stated clearly that he has no intention of changing. No matter how long you persist in putting him first, he will ALWAYS put you last. You haven’t created this hardship for yourself. But know as fact that carrying on and expecting him to change is perpetuating this hardship for yourself.

Reaching the end of your tether is generally a lengthy process of trying everything to change him, including changing yourself. If only it was that easy to finally walk off with bags packed.

Maybe ask yourself why you packed your bags then waited for him to return. Was it perhaps a gesture, hoping that he’d be contrite, say he could’t live without you, promise to change?

There’s a saying that it’s madness to keep doing the same thing and expect a different result. So it is when we argue with controllers. You must have noticed how they are never resolved, go round in circles? How you end up defending yourself against accusations and ancient slights? These are not discussions with a balanced person. They are battles. Your partner has no wish to reach a compromise. His only desire is to win.

It is possible to repair a normal relationship, when both parties share the blame. But you can’t repair a relationship with an abuser. They won’t change. And you can never change enough. x

[Author]

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