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Hi
I would really appreciate your opinions on if this is abuse, or if I’m just exaggerating things in my head as my partner says I am.
I’m lucky that I have a really good jo and have been really successful but my partner has refused to work since the children were born and they are young adults now. I provide everything, despite begging him to return to work and I think he just sees me as someone to provide money. In return he does does tidy up clutter and put the washing on.
However he has a very nasty side that pops up every now and then. When we were younger he was awful – physically abusive when the children were in bed,like holding his gust up to me to scare me, or gritting his teeth in my face, but only every six months or so actually harming me. He’d also be angry with the children if I upset him which obviously made me ‘be good’ and just let him do whatever he wanted. If I could give any advice to my younger self, it would be just get out, but I had no money of my own as even though I worked hard, we were on a tight budget.
Fast forward (detail removed by Moderator) years later and he is rarely physically abusive, except for once (detail removed by Moderator) when he gave me quite a scar. We had both been out drinking (not a regular occurrence as it was a special event) and he threw a glass at me. In the morning he accused me of doing it to myself. He made me promise to lie to everyone about what happened. He is never sorry.
That is obvious abuse but it is so rare that I feel I can’t leave him and upset the family because of it.
His day to day behaviour upsets me a lot too. If he gets everything his way (we tread on eggshells basically) it is ok, but if I say have a little huff that he needs to find a job as I’m worried about money, I get the silent treatment, he’ll walk out of rooms when I walk in, then if I snap and say I can’t cope with this, he begins to say that I’m always nagging and tells the kids to watch to see how horrible I am. He says I’m an embarrassment for shouting at him, and if I ever have any wine (which I do tend to when he really gets me down but not so much that I’m staggering around) he’ll lie the next morning and say ‘so do you remember saying this?’ I thought I was going mad until I set my phone up on a baby monitor that records to find out that he was lying.
If you ever calmly confront him, he says ‘I was just … trying to avoid an argument by going out of the room etc’. It always begins with ‘I was just…’
He also gets more aggressive when he drives in a bad mood (which lasts for days) which scares me – like he’ll deliberately provoke road rage in others just for a row and I get so scared and embarrassed.
When I ask him to leave he demands money which I haven’t got. He also manages to be all sweetness to everyone else – even the children often take his side.
I’m in a better position than most as I can actually leave him soon. Yet I worry that I’m breaking the family up for no real reason, other than my ‘bad temper’ at being ignored, or wanting him to work. It seems everything is my fault yet I do everything everyone wants of me. Should I go? I feeel so unloved, frustrated, scared and alone. I don’t have any wider family for support and don’t feel able to confide in anyone. I suppose I’m ashamed.
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Hey there. I had decades of abuse just like you. My advice is to contact your local women’s aid. They will explain how our abusers control us through their behaviour. It’s your life and you have every right to live in peace. I would speak to a solicitor. Most offer free initial advice. It’s not selfish to want to be happy. His happiness is not your responsibility. He sounds violent and dysfunctional. Ask yourself exactly what you are getting from the relationship! jeckyl and Hyde behaviour. Walking on eggshells. Ring the helpline number on here for advice. You deserve better. I waited years hoping for an excuse to leave him. Not realising that being depressed and unhappy was my reason. They play awful mind games. Read other posts on here and you will see they all use the same tactics x
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Thank you for responding so quickly. It’s so nice to hear some reassurance that he is hbresdonable. He’s so good at the mind games that I feel powerless.
If I go I have to leave, so I have to leave established family even though kids are older. He also will expect me to pay the mortgage and all bills on the house and also find money to live by myself. I’m not sure what else I can do other than rack up credit card debts in order to escape and off set them in the long term when we divorce and we split equity on house. He rants that he’ll ruin me if I go, and really I believe him. In some stupid way I think, oh he does love me as he doesn’t want to
Lose me. But it’s my money he wants, isn’t it? He also says that if the tables were turned then the stay at home woman would expect to be supported and stay at home. He says he’s made it possible for me to be sure cessful – but I’ve begged him to go to work and he’s put obstacles in my way by being so horrible. I would never have stayed at home all of these years.I feel I’m being used and on top of that Bused as well. Feel so pathetic.
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He’s been abusing you for a long time. I reckon it’s just a way of life now. I think you need legal advice. Please get it. As far as breaking up a family is concerned it’s your life, that’s what matters. Tbh I reckon it will cost you financially. But what’s better, money or happiness. Think about you x
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