Or just his personality? Am I to blame after all

[SoundofMusic]

Hello, I’m reaching out because I’m frightened of the future and not having options because of the situation. Reading through this forum and listening to the harrowing stories makes me question if it really is emotional abuse or whether my husband is just a not very nice person who doesn’t care and it really is me to blame? I’ve read a book on gaslighting but I recognise some of the traits in my own behaviour that I would describe as coping mechanism or for example, ignoring him ( so it avoids an angry argument or escalation). I’ve suggested mediation but he isn’t interested.

I want to explain all the background story of our family life, with all the ‘normal’ trials and tribulations so I can be understood and demonstrate that I have over the years found strategies and applied emotional resilience through the lows of married life but I know this would breach the safety rules here

I’m worried I won’t be believed because it sounds so trivial and much I can’t prove because my increasing distress is the verbal abuse and outburst, unwarranted accusations and dismissal of everything I say when I try and justify myself or am in tears trying to make him understand. I feel embarrassed to even at some of the examples when it isn’t physical but I am wounded and living with such mental agony that I have no way or strength fixing this and getting him to understand how I feel because he simply doesn’t care. He makes reference to mental health names and calls my bluff because what am I actually going to do? Ask the police to speak with him and what evidence do I have? He says he doesn’t have to answer to anyone and that I goad him to respond so that I then can accuse him because I have nothing else to ‘pin on him’

Sincerely apologise (sensitive trigger warning)
I have (detail removed by moderator) and it’s been a horrendous journey but my husband accuses me of having this amazing ability to tie everything together and I think emotionally which he blames me for, connecting things that aren’t related. When I try to explain about how unwell I feel or when I’ve been literally in a ball on the sofa sobbing for him to hold me and just be there, he got angry with me that it’ s all my fault for bringing it on myself. How can I also expect him to mind read? It’s the issue for me that he has no empathy or desire to just be nice or kind even if he had no words but he got infuriated when I tried to explain about human empathy that even a person in the street a total stranger wouldn’t walk by a person so upset.

Several months ago I fell (detail removed by moderator)and hit my head (detail removed by moderator), I was startled and laying there and he went to get up the. Sat back down to finish playing the game on his phone and his response? I had to collect the points or I would lose them. I crawled to the sofa and stood myself up.

We share a council housing tenancy
He refuses to leave as it’s his right to live here
We sleep separately and I’ve changed my married name by deed poll to my maiden name.
Because of the arguing and that I have to constantly justify about money I’ve changed our joint account to his for sole use so I can’t be blamed or accused anymore
I have no income at the moment and am relying on my eldest son to help
I only shop in charity shops for clothes even was I was working, I don’t own any jewellery make up or have any belongings that I care about apart from my photographs and books. I have no credit cards or any social life because I self isolated because I look ill and can’t hear being around people who I think can see straight through me.

I can’t call anyone as I have no data, I do g have a landline and I’m using my daughters old iPhone and our WiFi. I plan to go to the CAB about housing and applying for benefits because I can’t live like this anymore to be so hated and unloved by the one person who I thought was the one person who would protect me to the ends of the earth. I’m sorry it’s so long but I can explain more examples because it doesn’t sound as awful as some of you courageous women here live through.

[AlwaysSorry]

Hi SoundOfMusic and welcome to the forum x

You’ve taken a big step posting on here and I’m so glad you found this place. It absolutely sounds abusive to me, emotionally, very controlling and financially just to name a few. There is no competition on this forum, abuse is abuse no matter what form it takes. And the story you have told shows so much of it.

You don’t have to be a mind reader to see that someone needs comforting if they are curled up in a ball crying. Such cruel, hurtful behaviour from him and you are absolutely right that even a stranger passing in the street would try to console.

He is absolutely emotionally abusive. Reading how you fell and how he had to finish his game, I was in tears. I am so sorry you had to experience that indifference from him. It doesn’t have to be physical to be damaging and this is so very damaging to you. No one deserves to be treated like that, you do not deserve this and no matter how he tries to blame you, it is not your fault. He chooses to behave this way and I absolutely believe every word you have written about how he is.

Is there any way for you to call the freephone number for Women’s Aid? Can your son help with a pre-paid SIM card for the iPhone so you can at least have the option to call? If I understand you correctly you aren’t able to do anything but be on the WiFi on your phone. This is very controlling of him, sweetheart. Have you tried googling your local area for a domestic abuse charity? I think it would be very good for you to have contact with them and they can also help get you out of there if you are ready to leave x

You deserve so much more than this x Keep posting and please do try and speak with CAB x If you can’t find anything online for a local domestic abuse charity or a local Women’s Aid, then I would hope CAB can direct you to one x You are not to blame for anything x

[Dragon]

I had to comment because I know how it feels to be sobbing and have no comfort from the person who promised to love, honour, protect and comfort you forever. And I also can relate to the criticism of the joint account spending and other financial elements. I have struggled too labelling it as abuse.
Whatever you call it, and I would definitely suggest that this is abusive behaviour in your case, the way it makes you feel and the impact on your life is undeniable and that is what you need to focus on; that this relationship is not a healthy one. I don’t know what the process is and I know you say you can’t make calls, is there a friend you could ask to borrow a phone and call Womens Aid? And/or CAB? Do you have any access to money at all? Sending hugs, it is good that you have made a first step on here and are recognising this behaviour for what it is.

[Dragon]

Always sorry is right, you are not to blame for any of this x

[EbonyRaven]

What you describe is indeed abuse. You must be so exhausted living inside that environment. I too started my realisation journey thinking things like ‘it’s only mental abuse. I came to realise with the help and support of the ladies here that it leaves scars too.

You are perfectly justified to feel the way you do, and I’ll repeat it again; You are being abused.

There’s some great advice in the thread already. Find out where your local domestic abuse organisation are and go knock on the door if you’re unable to call. They will at the very least make an appointment for you to go in and talk it through.

Have you considered going to a refuge? It would give you that break to allow your mind to clear a little and find alternative accommodation.

So glad you’ve found the forum. Keep posting. No-one here thinks the level of support you deserve is different to the level of support anyone else, in any type of circumstance, should get.

[Author]

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