Other Family Members

[Serenity]

Like a lot of women here, I come from a family where- I can now see- control is an issue.

Actually, my family of origin is virtually monopolised by women.

I have posted before about how, when I was going through the pits, I had to distance myself from my mum and one sister to an extent, as hard though it was to face, they were using my period of exceptional vulnerability to be extra cruel towards me.

My other sister and my dad- who are normally labelled as black sheep- were so hands on and supportive.

Anyway, I have kept a slight distance from the offending sister, but over the months have felt pushed to regain old norms. She has been uncharacteristically subdued the last few times I have seen her.

Anyway, my son has injured his arm through sport. I have taken him to all relevant hospital appointments.

All I did was mention to my mum that my son ( being an awkward teenager ) is not really enthusiastic about having physio treatment.

Of course, he needs to. But my relaxed morning was broken by my sister calling and launching into a monologue- where she would t shut up and kept interrupting- trying to make out I was in some way a lesser parent.

I know how to treat my son. Apart from his being the age he is, cusp of adulthood, he is the type of chats yet who needs to make his own decisions. I know how to approach him. He can be wilful, but I a good listener. He works the right solution out in the end. An authoritarian style parenting would backfire where he is involved: he suffered years of my ex’s inflexibility and domination. He thrives on the freedom to make his own choices.

Enter my sister, who send to be imagining the worst, putting me downtrodden, taking me over. Narcs don’t see others as separate individuals: only of value insofar as they can be utilised by him.

She has completely dominated, interrupted and finished my role as mother.

(removed)

[Marthamoo]

Hi Serenity. Really sorry to hear about the problems with your sister. I totally appreciate how you must be feeling. My youngest sister seem to be in her element when things are going badly for me. It has got to the stage where I don’t speak to her about anything that matters, or tell her how I’m feeling, just so that she can’t use it against me. It saddens me because I should be able to tell her anything and she should want to support me but I have to accept that for now she isn’t going to be that person. Rise above her and believe in yourself and your skills as a mother. You know your son better than anyone x

[Serenity]

Sorry- typing error- I seem to have copied and pasted from another message!

I told her she’s as too interfering – that my son is my son, and that she needs to let me bring him up as I see fit.

I am left now feeling traumatised, as it seems the peace I have tried to build in my home can be broken merely by one phone call, where my sister can completely take over and make me feel that I am not doing a good job with my kids, and wreck my confidence and my authority as a mother.

I would never dream of saying the things to my sister about her parenting that she says to me. My eldest son is in a very delicate frame of mind, experiencing ongoing emotional and mental abuse from my ex husband, and trying to protect and guide them is a very delicate feat. Anything can tip the balance.

I really feel bullied by my sister and really need to place her at a distance again, because she really shakes me up.

I think a lot of us went for our abusers because we were from families where we were bullied and dominated. I am only now starting to assert myself- but they don’t like it if I do.

Any advice ladies?

[Serenity]

Thank you, Martha Moo.

I think with my sister and mother, I see a definite cycle of abuse: the period where they are being better behaved towards me, then they start to take over, and put me down or patronise in some way. Thanks for the support. Yes, I know I am doing my best for my kids in very difficult circumstances! x

[Confused123]

Hey Hun

I’ve only known u for just over a year and u r such a good mum and don’t let anyone tell u different , I believe we all have different parenting styles according to our own experiences and what styles work with our kids , try and def keep your distance from her and if she still interferes or make inappropriate comments is just say to I think all patents have different styles and u would prefer her to respect your choices and issue u prefer not to discuss further due to difference in opinion , this should keep her quiet even though will go off in huff . Living with a abuser makes u have different views and we can spot controlling people more , my dad still says to me just get over what happened , but till u experienced it u know it’s not that easy ,he doeSnt listen even thiugh I tell him so I just ignore it

[Falling Skys]

Hi Serenity

You know your son and how he works better than anyone, lets face it none of use would want to do physiotherapy but we will have a moan and get on with it.

As least you have the strength to stand up to your sister, and you know neither have changed and you can protect yourself from them.

FS XX

[Serenity]

Thank you Lisa for deleting the bit that wasn’t meant to be there!

Thanks Confused and FS,

I went into full trigger mode, as you could tell from my post! This is what happens, you are getting on fine, then someone does something which triggers all the trauma.

The good thing is, it passes, and I think- as FS says- it is because I have finally learned to stand up to my bossy sister. Standing up to people is the only way you don’t continue to feel a victim. Standing up doesn’t mean being rude, but being assertive.

My sister has always been very dominant. She had done some lovely kind things in the past, but I am seriously worried about how she behaves towards me. I suppose I am quite opposite to her on the personality spectrum, and she must interpret my not being a domineering mother as being a weak or inefficient mother.

As I was able to tell her, everything I do in my parenting is a carefully considered decision, taking into account the needs and personalities of my boys.

It is like she is waiting in the wings like a hawk, waiting for something to go wrong, then she pounces on one word or one suggestion and blows it up to show how I am in some way not parenting in the right way.

I know my eldest has been bullied for years by his dad and is more hurt than he shows, and any attempt to bulldoze him will backfire but also act as a trigger for him.

My sister has a very authoritarian mode of parenting, involving herself in every minutiae of her teenage children’s life. I can’t imagine being like that, for a number of reasons. It’s not how it works best in my little family.

Thanks, Confused, you are right in the things you say and what I need to do and say to her.

It’s like my sister is a hyper critical parent and I am the child. Ironically, I am the one trained in running parenting programmes!

X*x

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