Other people’s opinions

[Nina]

Hi, I’m really struggling today and just feel so alone. I’ve been out of the relationship for a good while now and was starting to feel a little like me again, for the first time in years. Still scared to go out, still a nervous wreak but getting better.
Then bang, I feel just like I did the right at the beginning of all this. (Detail removed by Moderator) People I’ve never met defending him and calling my children and I every name under the sun. If I hear once more that “the courts always believe the woman” I’ll scream.
It’s like being back in that bad place, where you can’t defend yourself.
We were moved out of the area where it all happened, but I can’t get away from this. I removed myself from all social media as he was stalking me but even after doing that, I’ve still got strangers asking “if I’m proud of myself?” And telling me, “what a wonderful man he is” and that “I’m trying to ruin him”. It’s so hard not to say anything, but they don’t want to hear. If I did tell them the truth, they wouldn’t believe it, it was so terrible, and then I’d be the crazy one as well as the liar.
I don’t know how to deal with this other than to hide away but it’s brought back everything that I was trying to forget and I just can’t stop crying. I can’t sleep and I feel like this will never be over.

Nina x

[maddog]

It sounds absolutely terrifying Nina. You have done so well to get this far. So many people who do not live with a perpetrator cannot believe how awful it is. They cannot believe that a person can behave like that. It is something that happens in soap operas, not to real people with actual jobs who live in the community.

To report to the police is a massive step. The bar for the CPS is very high. Despite this, many perpetrators get off because of a hint of reasonable doubt at trial. (Detail removed by Moderator)
It is a complete fallacy that the courts always believe a woman. If it were the case a many more men would be successfully prosecuted for rape. In any case, the result of a trial isn’t up to you.

You have been a witness to something terrible. (Detail removed by Moderator) You were a victim and you survived. You are a brave woman indeed.

I find sometimes it feels as though I am forever climbing out of the rubble.

Are you finding Victim Support helpful? Please do not suffer alone and please call someone in real life. The Samaritans are brilliant.

[KIP.]

Please feel free to personal message me. My ex was all over the papers too so I know how you’re feeling. Just remember you do not need any validation from anyone else. You know what you went through and the people close to you also know. Everyone else is just guessing. Did you receive good counselling? Are women’s aid supporting you? Abuse destroys our confidence and it will take a while to get that back. But it will come. Meantime, power to you for standing up to a bully. I know how very difficult that is, especially in a public forum with the ‘beyond all reasonable’ doubt in the criminal court system, but you’re one brave lady ✊️ Come off all social media if you haven’t already. Limit the things you do to three a day. Don’t take on any extra stress. Talk to the helpline and people who support and believe you. Everyone else gets cut out your life x

[Nina]

Thanks maddog, I too feel like I’m climbing out of rubble, but I keep sliding back down. I don’t know anything about victim support but I have had support with IDAS. The police put me in touch with them when they put me on MARAC. I feel guilty bothering them now as I’m safe, unlike many of the women who are needing their help and I know that they are stretched.
I just feel broken but I know I’ve got to keep going for my children. It’s just not about what’s happened, it’s what’s happening and the fear of what’s next. After years of this I’m spent.

[Nina]

Thanks KIP too, I did get offered counselling but it was miles away and I’m too ill to leave the house a lot of the time thanks to (Detail removed by Moderator). When I do feel well enough, I’m petrified that I’ll see him and have panic attacks, so I’ve just been hiding away.
I’ve dipped in and out of this forum when things have been really tough but other than that, haven’t had any contact with Woman’s Aid.
I just need to see that their will be an end to all this but I can’t. I will try to talk to someone though, so thank you x

[KIP.]

Yes there absolutely is an end to all this. Easier said than done but reach out every time you find the strength. The helpline number on here is good for someone to talk to. It will take time for the trauma to subside and for you to be able to deal with talking and therapy but it will happen. Meantime you need to be kind to yourself. You’ve been through a terrible time. If it was physical we would get a lot more help. Stay strong. I once read that abuse victims are the strongest in the world. We must be to have survived. Onwards and upwards……

[Butterflyboo]

Ah Nina I feel for you. Other people’s opinions was and is one of the hardest things I found to deal with after I left. It’s insult to injury isn’t it? And really unfair when people believe lies and don’t see the truth.
Hiding away can seem the safest and best way to get away from it, but don’t hide for too long. Hiding is letting him win. I found I had to avoid certain places and people who believed his pathetic “poor me” stories for my own sanity, until I’m strong enough to keep my chin up. You’ll get there lovely, it will get better x

[Twisted Sister]

Just wanted to offer support from me too.

I can remember all the propaganda too, and it was a huge body blow to me, but all that does fade, and you become to expect it.

It took me a long time to understand all the manipulations and abuse I’d been subjected to, so I understand better now why others find it so hard to see.

A master manipulator simply gets away with murder.

You know your truth, keep it on you at all times, wear it and make it your reality. You know, and he b****y knows too, which is why he is putting so much energy into his own propaganda machine!

Have you heard the ridiculous way they talk to the police for a start?! All smooth and calm, all ‘Mr nice guy’ so we’ve seen how its done, how it all works.

Don’t you let him deny you your truth, not any more.

Warmest wishes ts

[Nina]

Thank you, it’s helping so much being here, It’s like a parallel universe. How people on this forum understand and share and care and just get you.
I feel like I’ve got the plague when I’m out and about. I know some of it’s paranoia, but some of it definitely isn’t. I only came back here yesterday as I really needed help and I’m overwhelmed at the amount of empathy everyone has. It’s sad to think though, that’s probably the reason why we’re all here x

[Anonymous]

We understand and have stood in your shoes. It helps to know that’s it ignorance that fuel the haters, that maybe an extreme word. It certainly helps me reaching out to people In the same boat as if we didnt, I certainly would feel alone in this.so were here to listen 💕 it benefits all and we will get there even in these c****y circumstances ☺xx Things always change and I believe they get better xx DIY

[Author]

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