OTT or was I inconsiderate?

[Indeepindance]

Hi all,

I’m still having waves of doubt having left my ex (bad day today) and am really interested in your thoughts here please.

I wanted to (detail removed by moderator) and discussed this with my partner as requested, he wanted me to plan everything with/around him.  I told him possible dates and times for my first one, and he logged onto his own device to check the website I was looking at. Discussion ensued, and around 20 mins later we’d agreed on the best day for me to go. It would be for (detail removed by moderator) one evening.

He (detail removed by moderator) and I booked it. I told him when he returned and he was cross saying why didn’t I consult him. I felt confused and said we had just been speaking about it but he maintained I should’ve checked first before booking.

So I cancelled it, we chatted some more, then I rebooked the same slot.

I still don’t know what to make of this.  Especially since he then committed to something that would take him away for a few days, without mentioning it to me until afterwards.

Thanks in advance for your thoughts- I really hope this ruminating stops one day, it’s all consuming…

Xxxxx

[Lisa]

Hi Indeepindance,

I think that you’re right to question his behaviour here. You clearly went above and beyond to accommodate him in your booking, which you were not obliged to do. It’s not surprising that you felt confused at him claiming you didn’t consult him because that’s simply not true. This was about control. Abusers choose how they’re going to treat their partners, it’s not about what you did or didn’t do, he decided to treat you in a certain way to give himself power and control. It is really exhausting trying to make sense of experiences of abuse. You might find the Freedom Programme or the courses on Bloom helpful with this.

Take care and keep posting,
Lisa

[Sad and alone]

I once had the opportunity to go and do a couple of weeks seasonal work somewhere. I asked someone on the off chance they might need a hand and they said yes. My husband said if I hadn’t asked (as he always says I can’t communicate with people) he would’ve done so. He said he didn’t mind watching over things for me whilst I was gone. I was not far from home and a phone call away if needed.

When the time came I was excited to go, and excited to get home and talk about what I’d done. But every day he was in an awful mood. I would be smiling and happy and he would meet me scowling and complaining. He made out that he’d been left to deal with everything whilst I was off having a good time. He’d say it wasn’t fair. Even when I said he’d agreed to it all he said he didn’t realise how it would be. He said I wasn’t messaging him (it was a busy job) and I wasn’t being considerate of him. Then he’d say I hadn’t told him anything about what I was doing. He made comments about a male I was working with, if I said he’d shown me something or said something my husband would say I seem to spend a lot of time with him. I think he was jealous that I was seeing and talking with other people. We both lead a quite an isolated life. And he resented me doing something by myself. But it was very confusing, as he had agreed and seemed really keen for me to do it, to then act like I was being unfair.

Your situation sounds exactly the same. And I’d say that was definitely them trying to control your life.

[Indeepindance]

Thank you both so much for your replies, Lisa I definitely felt at times I couldn’t have done much more to be transparent and someone else has since said to me why did you even have to mention it? Which surprised me as my ‘normal’ had changed and I felt I couldn’t do anything without prior consultation, even popping outside for fresh air.

Sad and alone your experience really does sound just like mine- I always felt he was resentful of anything that took me outside of him as we also lived extremely isolated, this lifestyle was led by him. It’s great you managed to persevere under such pressure and I started to do the same, I needed something else in my life and he struggled to share my excitement when I returned, I felt crushed because I wanted him to feel proud of me.

Your husband sounds so threatened by you mingling with other people and I got the same questioning (who was there, what are their names etc) and even though where I chose to go was all female, he managed to insinuate it wasn’t. I was well confused by that one.  I tried to suggest similar activities together but the promises never came through.  We spent our days doing nothing but his stuff.

Even when HE went away, he was still off with me during our phone calls, asking me what I’d been doing despite me staying in until he got back at his request, actually can’t believe I agreed to do that.  He even got annoyed when I asked him what time he’d be home, one of 2 questions I’d asked him the whole time and he call me paranoid and suspicious, I was gobsmacked.

Thanks for confirming you feel it was control, I found myself wondering whether it would be okay to pop to the shops when he was away, can you believe it.

Xxxxx

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