16th May 2020 at 9:57 pm #103478
I got to thinking about what I read here and what I have done in the past and just wanted to talk a bit about it and get feedback on – how we flesh out the man of our dreams in the beginning?
At first of course, he’s a paperdoll, not fitted out with anything, just blank. Then he rises to life and most of the time “bigger than life” very quickly so, what is all that comprised of, made up of?
I kinda do the point system and think, ok, he gets 40 points out of a 100 for being goodlooking, charming, nice body, attentive to me. Eh, let’s make it an even 50! So then what makes the other 100? All mind you, right out the gate, this happens quickly. Sooo, depending on yourself and all that, let’s give 30 points to being good sexually. 50 plus 30 equals 80.
Then, so say He that, he’s got a job, steady job (hopefully) OR he’s in need so playing on your sympathies here, he’s between jobs or down on his luck and with 80 points in the till so far, you fall for it. Let’s give that belief 20 points because it is kinda of important. 50 plus 30 plus 20 equals 100. So they are in the door!!! Deal is done, fix is in!!
Hate to say it but, more than not, that’s how our point system goes. We might need to change that around. Maybe more like –
10 points for charm, immediate attention to me, wanting to get me to bed asap, witty, life of the party, etc. Actually these days, I’d give all that a zero but don’t want to be a party pooper here. LOL! We do love to be swooned…….I don’t mind the attributes but I so love a slow read and good slow wine.
10 points for he’s handsome, got a great body, good in bed.
2 points for being good with people and winning over my friends and family because let’s face it, all con artists are good at this one.
So then it gets down to the nitty gritty. 10 plus 10 plus 2 leaves 78 points. What to do with all those points? Maybe we should assign some proper values to those points. Things like, me doing an online investigation on the guy since it’s so cheap to do so, why not? He is afterall interviewing to me up close and so very personal to me so why wouldn’t I do that first off?
Then it’s the whole job thing and how is he really financially stable and not just looking for a cash cow here.
Then he gets minus points for rushing me into anything like bed, like moving in, like wanting to know everything about me when I know zip about him…
He also gets minus points for trying to control my every movement and make it all about him, especially when it comes to friends and family and maybe my own children. Um NO.
Minus points for little not so funny comments that actually chip away at my self esteem either.
So just something to think about in regards to past behaviors and what we did and why we did it and then to change all that in regards to future decisions. This person that gets close to us like this should be examine up the whazoo. Extremely important decision in our life and position in our life so we need to do our due diligence here and really see it for how important it is. No magical thinking. No projecting as to what we “need them to be”, no putting on paperdoll clothes on them that don’t fit. Let’s see them for who they are, very very early on. Not for the illusion we need them to be. Square pegs still don’t go into round holes. We can do this!! Your thoughts?
18th May 2020 at 3:30 pm #103670LisaMain Moderator
Thank you for your post and for sharing your thoughts. Abusers can be so charming when they first meet a new partner, it sounds like from experience you know how to spot those red flags early on.
I also wanted to share that joining The Freedom Programme is a good way of gaining more knowledge around this.
Take care and keep posting
18th May 2020 at 4:30 pm #103682
I’m better at seeing the red flags than I was but we can all be had at anytime. My experiences got me into alot of trouble by not doing this and dismissing the flags when I saw them. It’s just so hard isn’t it? The charm and attention is so lovely, like a big bag of chocolates! I used to find people who didn’t do all this boring. They were good friends only. Go figure. Movies don’t help one bit either! We are so taught to go after them. Will check out the Freedom Programme! Thank you!
18th May 2020 at 11:43 pm #103732fizzylemParticipant
I think the key word is committment here; don’t commit to anything other than spending time together, then if it feels like it’s going south you are free to walk away without any hassle. I wont be moving him in or leaving my home again now – ever. If I did it would be years down the line, after plenty of time spent really getting to know him, and I will still keep my home.
Like you I won’t fall for charm these days, in fact it puts me off. Some men seem to think inuendos are flirting, makes me cringe like mad. Would have to grow organically for me out of a friendship. I’d need to know him inside out and that he is genuine for anything else x
19th May 2020 at 12:36 pm #103776
Fizzylem! You go girl!! And it should be a slow dance for sure. The cringes really help us to go – uh, no, bye! LOL! Rather keep my own company. I’ve changed alot about how I see things and I don’t believe in marriage in the traditional sense anymore. I think women should consider keeping their finances quite separate, sharing when they want to, and maybe even living separately, being together and then having space. I think the Mosuo matriarchal society in Tibet are onto something. Good men are hard to find but that’s always been the case. Not many like Paul Newman, what a wonderful man.
You must be logged in to reply to this topic.