Out but I feel worse than before

[Catjam]

I am out a short period now and I feel worse than when I was with him. My insomnia has become worse, so have the headaches and nausea. My emotions are all over. It’s like I am sliding into a dark hole. I’m am trying to stay positive and have pushed myself to go out for walks and do things I need but the pull to sink is so strong.
As is the urge to reach out to him, he has stopped all contact as I asked except through my girls but it’s been all bill related as he is still in the marital home. He’s been all I have known all my adult life and not having him there in any capacity is so hard. This is the longest I have gone without talking to him at all.
I keep reading old entries and journal to remind myself that I have done the right thing but it’s so hard especially as it has caused a rift with my kids.
I have good support from my work and my sister but I feel so lonely.
It’s almost like I am a split personality. I’m trying to process the end of a huge part of my life while arguing in my head that he is only a phone call away.
My head hurts so much because I can’t sleep so it’s triggering migraines. Crying all the time also isn’t helping. I sound so pathetic. I’m so sorry

[Catjam]

Thanks, I have a lot of anger too which isn’t an emotion I am used to. I usually just push it down and lock it away but this is all consuming. Anger he wouldn’t do what was needed to stop me leaving, anger he felt he could do the things he did all those years. The way he has and is treating our youngest.
I never liked roller coasters and I certainly don’t like the emotional one I am on. Xx

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